Tattoo

Tattoo

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Blog heard around the world. Well, not really.

Well, Christmas is over. WOO HOO! For those of you who know me, I am not a big fan of Christmas. Haven't been in years. I did have fun this year. I went to Tasha's and spent the night there. We got up in the morning, shared a coffee and some laughs while we waited for M to come over. We then opened presents and had brunch. I took my customary Christmas day nap. Then helped Tasha with dinner though I did get kicked out of the kitchen a lot. It was an awesome dinner. Tasha is such a great cook. Then after dinner, I came home and hung out with my fur babies.

It was a pretty good Christmas over all.

I told my parents about my plans. It did not go as I had hoped but wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I am just going to leave it at that. They have some adjusting to do and I do not want to make it worse for them by bringing it up here.

I am so excited to see the shrink next week. someone to talk to that can answer some questions for me and who might ask me questions I need to find the answers for. Does that make sense? I think he will make me think about things a lot. And that is what I want. I still want to go ahead with my decision. The sooner the better. And having someone who is a specialist will make things a little easier I think.

I have also made a new friend. Well. A couple of new friends.  One is a trans man I met through a mutual friend. He is awesome! Though, he is 20 years younger then I am, we still have lots in common. I think he will be a great friend and support for me. He has already answered a lot of the questions I had. And to be honest, it is just nice to have someone who understands what I am going through. Someone in my community, that I can call up if I am having a crisis and be an understanding shoulder to lean on. We are going watch shopping one day soon. I was told I need one. Maybe two.

I have also met a girl. I know! I am very excited about that too! She lives down south though. Which sucks. But we both have Skype and have been enjoying video chats as well as text messages and phone calls. I really like her. A lot. We have a lot in common and make each other laugh. Which is always a good thing. And, she is SMOKIN' hot! Oh my Dog! I love me a redhead for sure!

I thought I had a lot more to say. I guess i don't. I just wanted to get something out there so Birdman wouldn't eat me about the head and neck with a wet noodle. Because he likes doing things like that. He can be a dirty dirty guy sometimes. You need to check out his blog. It is the awesome. changethetopic.com Go there. Read and comment. He would really like that.


Bro code # 82

If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to "take it back" or "apologize" to amends. That's inhuman.

Dustin

Saturday, December 8, 2012

So spank me

All right. I know. Long wait in between posts. I guess I am just not that disciplined to write every week.

Lots of things going on. There was a trip to Prince George that didn't work out. The weather was just too bad. Oh well.

Work. Well. The douche and I had to have a meeting with the big boss. We both had our hands slapped for not respecting each other. I don't think it really helped. The douche has gotten worse. He HAS to be involved in anything I do. Even if the big boss has given me a specific job to do, douche has to be in there. Almost like he is trying to take credit for my work. Or like he is threatened by my work.

It is very frustrating.

But because I love my job, regardless of the douche, I will stick it out.

Also, my big boss is the BOMB!!

For those of you who are not on my Facebook friends list and may not know the great news, here it is.

A bit of background first.

 Over a year ago, I requested to go on testosterone to begin transitioning. I was referred to a psychiatrist in Edmonton. After my referral was sent, I contacted his office and was told it could be up to 6 months before they even looked at my paperwork and up to a year before I get an appointment. Needless to say, I was very discouraged. I started questioning myself and my decision to transition. Was it really something I wanted to do? Was it a WANT rather then a NEED? Do I really want to put my body through the trauma of shots and possibly surgery? At 44 years old, is it something I need to pursue? I admit, I had given up. I figured that I would build myself into a better butch and be happy with that.

Problem was, the want to be a man never left. I was having dreams of moustaches and sideburns. Dreams of a flat chest and fitting into my men's dress shirts properly. Dreams of a deeper voice and being called "he" and "sir" and have it be for real.

I never told anyone of these dreams. Because if I told anyone, maybe it wouldn't come true at all.  I had convinced myself that I didn't want it. And I convinced the people around me as well.

I am sorry about that. For not being more honest with you.

I went to my doctor last week. Not the same doctor I had before. That guy is gone for a year so I now see his replacement. Anyway, I talked to him about the night sweats I am having and the irregularity of my period. It was decided I am probably going through pre menopause. Loverly. He said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, we will look into hormone replacement. That is when I mentioned the testosterone. Why not put me on that instead of estrogen? So I will quit having my period. Woo! I am not having kids and my period is just a glaring reminder that I have parts I don't want.

Anyway, he called the psychiatrist in Edmonton to see the status of my referral. He was told that it could be 3 to 4 months before I will get a call for an appointment then maybe another 2 to 3 months before the actual appointment. I walked out feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. Like the dreams were really never going to come true.

I came home. Feeling depressed and frustrated. Then my phone rang.

It was the psychiatrist in Edmonton. Well. His receptionist. She said, "I just received a phone call about you today and then I came across your referral. I am booking for January and the people in front of you in the binder never answered. You are the only one. Does January 4 th at 11 AM work for you?"

I thought I was going to cry! I told her that of course I want that appointment! I would be crazy not to take the appointment!

Even now. 4 days later, I have butterflies in my stomach I am so excited! I realize he may just say no. But I think I will get my dream.  By this time next year, I could have a bit of a moustache.  Wouldn't that be cool?!?

The next step after seeing the shrink, is to talk to my parents. Something I have been avoiding for a long time. They are not on Facebook. And I have never mentioned my blog. I am not sure if any of my family who read my blog has mentioned it to them either. I don't think they have because my folks have never said anything to me about it. I am not expecting open arms. A little understanding would be good. Even if not understanding then respect is the next thing. Respect my decision. Respect my name. Respect my choices. Because it is not something I am jumping into without looking first. I have thought about this almost my entire life and I have done a lot of research and soul searching to reach this decision. As for my sisters, I know they will ridicule and judge me. As always. I do not anticipate a relationship growing between the three of us because of my choices. That has been proven in the past. I am no better. I too have judged them for their life choices . My life choices, to now anyway, seem to have a smaller impact on the family then theirs. Yes. I am saying I feel I am better then them. I am not proud of it. And it is something I am working on. Even though I have chosen not to have a functioning relationship with them, I do need to get over the "Holier then thou" attitude I have towards them.


I talked to my boss at work about it as well. Because I need a couple of days off to go to Edmonton. And because there could be some big changes coming. And I needed to know that my job is still going to be there. I know some of my co workers will not understand and will most likely ridicule me. But whatever. I can deal with that. If my boss is respectful about it, the others will soon fall into line. I know he won't let it go on.

I do have to send out a HUGE thank you to the family and friends that do read this blog and have been so supportive of me. You have made this journey so much easier. I know that if I stumble, you all will be there to help pick me up. I love you all.

The Bro code Article #59

A Bro will always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of Province or, like, crazy expensive.

Dustin

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I have no title

So I can't think of a title today. Probably because I am unsure what to write about this week. I know I missed last week. Nothing really happened that week. I dropped like a stone from the high I had from performing and that's about it. I still feel very proud of myself but the high is gone.

It's OK though. Because now I am planning my next performance and the songs I will do. I have a couple in mind. One song though, I need a 2 drag queens to help me out. That might be hard to find in the Fort that is John. I will tell you more when it starts to come together.

This past week, Melvin and I travelled to Edmonton for work.

Yes. Actual work.

It was a training course for the monitors I work on everyday. Of course Melvin was along for the ride. We had to travel with "supervisor" I can't stand. For some reason, he figured I had to spend all my free time with him.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

I made plans to see my Aunt and Uncle (Hi Auntie E and Uncle E!). Plus, I would have killed him if I had to spend that much time with him. So I avoided him whenever possible. Even though he had the company credit card, I avoided him.

The course was interesting. I managed to learn a couple of things so that is always a good thing. Day one was cut a little short due to a huge snow storm that almost shut the city down. Crazy amount of snow fell in one day. Day 2 was also cut short. It had quit snowing but the roads were terrible and there were people who had to drive hours to get home.

Melvin made an appearance the second day. He generally behaved himself though he did manage to create a few problems.

Here. Take a look.





I tried telling him you couldn't get high from the test gas but his buddy, Smarty Pantaloons, talked him into trying.

For the record Smarty, you CAN NOT get high from the stuff.

Melvin also met some great people like Natasha, Paul and Al.




Awesome folks.

Even the housekeepers at the hotel fell under Melvin's spell. He got himself tucked back into bed. I don't know how he manges to charm everyone.

It was so awesome to see my Aunt and Uncle. It had been over a year and I had missed them. My uncle is a great hugger. They had watched the video of Oliver's debut and loved it! Nothing was mentioned of my name change or this blog. I directed my aunt to check it out. I hope she does.

Sometimes I wish I could gather all my family in one room and talk to them about what is going on with me. Then all questions can be asked. All the answers can be given. any false ideas or rumours can be dispelled and I will know who supports me and who doesn't. But I don't think that will ever happen. All I can hope for is that they will contact me and ask the questions they want answers to. I will answer those questions. And I won't sugar coat it. Because that is not who I am. This is my life to live. It does not involve making things easier for you. It is to make things easier for me. If  the way I live my life makes you uncomfortable, that is your problem. Not mine.

Does that sound harsh? Too bad. Get over it. I have spent my whole life trying to fit into the box OTHERS thought I should fit into. I do not fit in a box. I fit in my skin. I feel I am finally at a point where I can say I am slightly happy with who I am. Yes. Only slightly. Because I am always growing and always questioning. The moment I say I am totally happy with me, is the day I stop trying to better myself. There are always things I am working on.

*Minor heart attack. I thought I had lost this entire post. I was about to throw the computer across the room. *

I have been writing this blog now for over a year. The other night, I was reading some old posts. I have grown in so many ways. But it also made me realize that I have more to do. This blog was started as a way to organize my thoughts and to help work towards my goal of becoming Oliver. Well, I did that. Now I feel this blog is to help me become Dustin. Whether that is a trans man or a butch lesbian. Whatever it turns out to be, I will be the gentleman I was raised to be. The man my dad taught me to be whether he realizes it or not.

Bro code Article # 102

A Bro shall take care in selecting and training his wing man.

( I am currently taking applications)

Dustin

Monday, October 29, 2012

Maybe a change is in order....

I DID IT!!

I got on stage and lip synced my heart out! In front of people! And they clapped and cheered!

So I am thinking this blog should be re named "Became Oliver."

Well..... maybe not.

But OH MY GOD I had so much fun!!

 
Here is Oliver Clothesoff in all his glory.
 
 
Ain't he a stud or what?!?
 
We had belly dancers at Pride. I love belly dancers. Take a look.
 
 
 
 
We were also very lucky to have one of the top drag queens in British Columbia. Ivana B'alone. Here we are together. She has invited me to perform in Prince George in July. It was an honour to have her there for my debut.
 
 
 Oh! I almost forgot about our "Mistress of Scaremonies" Rawr baby!
 
 
 
Are you all asking the same question?
 
Yes. Those are real.
 
And now the moment you have all been waiting for,,,,,,,
 
Here is my very first performance.
 
Ladies and gentlemen I give you,,,, Oliver Clothesoff!!
 
 
Now remember, this is my first time in front of an audience is over 20 years.  My legs were shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall down.
 
When I got off the stage, I was elated!
 
I DID IT!!
 
I pushed myself to my breaking point and leaped over that line! It has been such a long time since I had felt that empowered. I didn't really sleep that night or the next. And I admit, I have watched myself over and over again. And I smile. It's like a drug. That feeling I had afterwards.
 
I can hardly wait for July!!
 
Here are a few other random pictures "A" took for me. She was videotographer. Didn't she do an amazing job??
 






 
Oh and the girls that were there!! So cute! Too bad there weren't many gay girls. All those straight girls just kept teasing me. With touches and and kisses and vague promises. So not fair! Why? Why would you do that?  I left feeling so up and so down at the same time.
 
The next day, we headed back to the hall to clean up. I came away with a back pocket full of coloured condoms and a giant monkey.
 
Really. A giant monkey. His name is Wilbur.
 
Anyway, it has taken me 2 days to write this post because the video took so long to load. And I think I am coming down off my performance high.
 
The Bro Code Article # 31
 
When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
 
Dustin
 




Friday, October 26, 2012

A little bit of a freak out

OK.

I am freaking out a little. Just a little. I have been busy getting my stuff together for the show tomorrow.

I did not realize just how much I need to get into character.

Two outfits plus a bag full of stuff.

Oh. And my own costume. Plus clothes for Sunday since I am staying the night in Dawson Creek.

I think I am more worried about forgetting something then I am about performing. I suspect the nerves will kick in just before I go on stage.

I am so stoked about doing this. I feel like I did 15 to 20 years ago. Happy and confident. I don't know if it has been the medication or the  therapy or both. But whatever it is, it's working.

There are still a few things I would like to work on. Like my weight. It is getting a little out of control. I think the gym is in order. I would also really like to meet someone. Maybe tomorrow night I will. I was told today by a friend (Hi H!) that I am a gentleman. That made me smile.

This is just a short one.

I just needed to vent a little.

I promise I will post pictures and video Sunday or Monday.

Wish me luck.

The Bro code Article # 142

A bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.

Dustin

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The count down begins.

Whew! A little less then a week away to Oliver's debut. Yesterday, Tasha and I searched every thrift store in town till we found Oliver's look. Needless to say, he will a fashion icon! Well, in his own mind anyway. I was thinking of posting a picture on here this week, but.....I think I will make you wait. I promise to post a video of the performance after the party next week.

If someone of you are still wondering WTF I am talking about, here is a quick run down.

October 27th is the annual Dawson Creek Pride Society's Pride/Halloween bash. There is a show(that starts at 8 PM) followed by a dance. There is a cash bar, an awesome DJ and great tunes. For the show, there are performers from Prince George coming up as well as some local talent.

I am part of that local talent. My drag king, that I have been working on for the last year, will be making his debut on that wonderful night.

It will be a great time! I promise! So those of you who have no plans for the evening, come on to Dawson Creek! Check out Dawson Creek Pride Society Facebook page for more info. Gay, bi, trans or even straight, it will be a fun time! Plus, you will get to see Oliver! I know everyone has been waiting and waiting for it.

Last weekend, while Tasha and I were in Prince George, we had dinner with my very good friend J. She is a drag king in her own right and my mentor in this endeavour. She gave me some great advice on performing and makeup. I think I will be drawing on her strength, long distance, to get through it. Some days I am so nervous I can't hardly handle it. Over days, I feel like I could do anything.

It has been a long road to get here. It sure hasn't been easy. Some days, I have felt like giving up all together. But I knew couldn't give up. I knew I had to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I had to get out of the rut I was in. and I had to do it in a big way. I knew, for me anyway, baby steps weren't going to work. Like when I came out out of the closet. I kicked down the door and embraced my gayness. It is the same with this. No baby steps. Just leap onto the stage and let it all hang out. It might feel like it is going to kill me. But it won't. I know that after the performance, I will be stronger and better then I am now.

J and I also talked about my thoughts on transitioning. How I have thought about it being a want rather then a need. She congratulated me on thinking the deep thoughts and admitting to myself that it may not be in my best interest. and she said that if I was thinking that way, that it probably isn't right for me. And I agree. There are still certain things I can do to make me feel better about me. The name, my self confidence, my body image. I have to admit to myself that I am not transgender. I am a butch. And building myself into a better butch is the best path for me.

My name is Dustin. I am butch.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me along the way. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my family and friends supporting me. I know there is still a long road ahead but with you behind me, I know I can do it.

So onto  something a little different.

I went to do laundry today. I had my first load in the washer. I looked around and discovered BOTH dryers were out of order. It was too late to stop the washing machine. The clothes were already soaking wet. so I let it run through the wash and rinse cycle. Now what am I going to do to dry the clothes? I am not really into leaving the house to do laundry today.

My solution?

I used some string I had to run drying lines in the apartment. 3 of them. I am drying my socks, underwear and bras on the string. I also have a few pairs of jammie pants and a couple of t shirts laying a various surfaces to dry.

Here. Take a look.


And I still have two loads to go. *shakes head*

Sometimes I thin I should move to a better building.  But I am cheap. I pay very little in rent. And I have been here so long, I don't have to pay a pet deposit. And most others places won't let you have 3 cats.  And to be honest, the thought of packing and moving pains me. I just have to remember to check both machines before I start laundry.

OK. I have to go check my underwear. See if it is dry yet.

Sometimes, I love my life.

The Bro code Article 38: Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

Dustin

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Adventures in road tripping

So Tasha and I leave at noon on Thursday for Prince George. The trip started awesome! Weather was awesome. We had stopped and picked up some sandwiches and coffee before we left town so we were happily munching away.
 


Melvin was along for the ride of course. At first he was behaving himself.



Then he got bored. And we know what he is like when he gets bored.




We had a pit stop at the falls . Which was good because I really needed to get out and stretch. Melvin also needed out of the car. He does not do well being confined to a vehicle for any length of time.

Of course, once he was out of the car, he was getting in trouble.






He is such a cheeky monkey. Check out his facebook page for more pictures and antics. Just look for  Melvin Sock Carnell.

Anyway, we did what we had to do in Prince George. Which included a lot of shopping. I picked up a couple of things I can use in my debut drag king show on Oct 27th.

Yes. I said the 27th. Which means it is creeping up on me. I am practicing. I think my act is going OK. I am not expecting a super fantastic performance. It will be my first and I am sure I will be super super nervous. But knowing I have people in the audience who are supporting me will help. Well, that and a couple of drinks before I go on stage. :)

For me, the performance is more about pushing myself beyond my comfort level. To do something even a year ago, I wouldn't have done. A way of taking my anxiety and kicking it in the ass.

I was also able to see and have dinner with my friend J who is also a drag king. She gave me some awesome advice on performing. She is my mentor in a lot of things. Whether she knows it or not. I feel she is someone I can turn to for words of advice in all things butch. Thank you my friend.

Back to the trip. So after we finished dinner, Tasha and I hit the highway for the long drive home. It was starting to get dark and it was raining a little bit. I wasn't too worried. I had some concerns about snow in the pass but felt confident we could handle anything that was thrown our way.

Turns out I was right. We were only about a half hour out of the city when it started to rain a bit harder. So I turned on the wipers. And promptly watched the one on the passenger side go flying off the car.

I am serious.

Never had I see that before. Whoosh! Gone! I can only hope it didn't hit the guy behind me. We pulled over as soon as we could and tried to figure out what to do. Then it dawned on me.

I grabbed my dirty sock for the day before, balled it up and used one of Tasha's hair ties to attach it to the wiper arm. I did take a picture but managed to lose it somehow. It worked surprisingly well. Stayed on the entire way home. Needless to say, I am quite proud of myself for such an ingenious idea.

We happily started on our way home again, laughing at the sock, waving at the end of the wiper arm. When all of a sudden, I see two moose on the side of the highway. A mama and a baby. Mama was taking a step onto the highway. I slammed on the brakes and managed to stop in time. Mama and baby decided to go back into the bush.

I think I sharted myself a little bit. I know I was shaking quite a bit.

Thank the angels the rest of the trip was uneventful. I don't think I could have taken much more.  We pulled into my place at about midnight. I was happy to be home to say the least.

The best part, we get to do it again at the end of November!

Rest assured, I will be checking Tasha's car from one end to the other to make sure everything is in working order.

And now, a little piece of advice from the Bro Code......

A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are doing it as well.

Dustin

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The best birthday EVER!!

It started at 8 AM with text messages from various friends and family. I even got messages from the "unspeakable" ones. I slept for a while longer. It was my birthday after all. Tasha said I was allowed to sleep till 11 AM and I took full advantage of it.

At the proper time, I got up and a long, hot shower. I love those kinds of showers. Just relaxed under the stream of hot water and felt all the stresses of the week wash away.  Ahhhhhh. So wonderful.

At 12 PM, Tasha picked me up and we stopped at a local coffee house for a wonderful latte. I love me a good latte. I miss Cafe Europa in Dawson Creek. Such wonderful service. Wonderful coffee. It was so relaxing to sit in the cafe or at the tables outside in the sunshine.

Anyway, back to my story.

We started driving towards Charlie Lake. By this point, I had it narrowed down to a new tattoo or a pedicure. Sure enough, we turned into the driveway for a local spa! I was so excited! Turns out it wasn't just pedicures, we were getting massages AND facials!

Needless to say, this boi was over the top excited!!

I know what some of you men might say. "That is pretty girlie thing to do. Real men don't get pedicures or facials." Guess what? You are wrong! Lots of men do. And trust me, once you have a decent pedicure, you will be sold on the idea. Your feet feel WONDERFUL!! And as for a facial, everyone needs to take care of their skin. Period.

I had the massage first. Felt wonderful! It wasn't like massage therapy. This was a lighter touch but still felt awesome. It was a full body massage with hot towels. So relaxing. She even massaged my fingers and my head. We all now I love having my head massaged. I could hardly get up from the bed, I was so relaxed.

Next up, was the pedicure while Tasha headed in for her massage.

Now, I have had a pedicure before. While I was on my cruise to Mexico. But this felt better. She massaged my feet! I have said for years that I would marry the first woman who gives me a decent foot massage. The lady doing mine was already married. Bummer. Anyway, she rubbed and scrubbed and exfoliated my feet. She put moisturizer on them and paraffin wax. My feet were like baby feet by the time I was done.

Next up was the facial. I have never had one before so I wasn't sure what to expect. I lay down on the table, covered up with a sheet and she put something over my eyes to block the bright light. Then she ran the "Zit sucker 2000" over my face. It sucks your pores clean. It was pretty cool. Like a tiny vacuum on your face. Then she started with various goopy stuff and hot towels. It felt pretty good too.

Then, after we were finished, we headed back into town. Tasha dropped me off at home so I could relax for a few minutes. I headed over to her place for a fire and weenie roast. She made made potato salad and macaroni salad. My favourites! We roasted some weenies and had a few laughs.

All in all, it was the BEST birthday EVER!!

It's a new year. With all sorts of wonderful on the horizon. I am looking forward to it. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So positive and strong. Been a long time coming that's for sure.



Out in the hall, there's a cat fight, it's just after midnight. Guess I'll be all right.

Dustin

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Hello. My name is.....

Dustin Carnell.

Haha!

I love that movie! Let's see how many of my followers can name that movie!

I am having a typical Sunday. The Saskatchewan/Calgary game is on, the fur kids are sleeping in various spots around the apartment and I am avoiding housework.

Yup. Just another Sunday at home.

I am really looking forward to Grey Cup this year. I think because I am planning a little party. It shows real progress for me. Admittedly, the people I have invited are all close friends and people I trust. But then, why would I invite people I don't like to my home? Seems silly to me.

I will have to clean the house that day.

I bought a Grey Cup jersey from Safeway last week. Have you seen it? It is pretty cool! I am getting my name on it. So sweet!! I really do think that "H" should buy one for "L".

Just sayin.

I ran into a couple of people I knew from my former life yesterday at a local store. They were my ex's step nephew and his wife. Apparently, there is great discord in that family. Worse then mine. It seems almost that whole family is falling apart. There has been money lent and not paid back, gambling out of control, insults flinged around, a married couple having to live with a family member because they are so far in debt, they can't see the light. A grandchild that won't know the grandparents because of a petty issue.

So pretty much the same thing that was going on 7 years ago when I left.

I am so glad I am out of that. It made me sad to hear about it but at the same time, a huge sense of relief that I am where I am now. I know my life is not perfect by any means. But I pay my own bills, support myself and though I am not speaking to my sisters, I am on speaking terms with the rest of my family.

I really do wonder what kept me so long in that relationship. The first 4 years anyway. I guess I had little to no self esteem to think I could do it on my own. That I could meet someone better. That I could be happy. The second almost 4 years was because I couldn't leave while my mother in law was dying. As unhappy as I was, I couldn't do that to my ex. I had enough respect for her for that.

I, of course, figured out I am so much better then that.

Yes. I am taking the high road on this. I can't feel sorry for a family full of co dependence and people who always, ALWAYS blame others for their issues. They own up to nothing. They will back each other up in the lies and deceit they dish out. It is scary. Not one of them is allowed to make a mistake and then figure out how to fix it on their own.  They will bend over backwards to "save" each other when all they are really doing is digging the hole deeper.

I can only feel happy that I am no longer in that cesspool. And I am glad that not everyone related to them think I am some horrible person because I finally left. I had the balls to stand up and say no more and leave. No one in that family is ever going to be truly happy until they learn to live their lives.

OK. Maybe I am a little bitter. Who wouldn't be? One woman who went out with my ex before me, used to steal from the family, beat up the ex, cheated on her. But because that one likes to drink and party etc, she is or was back in the fold. I guess like speaks to like.

Makes no sense to me. None at all.

Onto happier things.

So the two women I was emailing with. One has kind of disappeared off the radar. The other one and I have been texting and there was even a short phone call on Friday night. I am hoping we will talk again very soon. Maybe even today. She is funny and seems very nice. Outgoing. Which I think I need. Someone to drag me out of my comfort zone once in a while. So I guess we will see.

The game is getting interestng so I am going to go and watch.

He was the ghost of a Texas ladies man.


Dustin




Sunday, September 16, 2012

The week. As I see it.

I am not sure what my problem was this week. I felt grouchy at everybody. Especially at work. At my supervisor. His voice grates on my last nerve. Every time he opens his mouth, I want to kick him in the baby maker.

Maybe I wasn't getting enough sleep. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe it is both. All I know, I am starting to get a bit antsy.

I keep talking about a weekend to Prince George. I should just go. I am so totally due for a road trip.

I met up with an old friend from high school yesterday in the grocery store. It was so awesome to see her. Sometimes I forget about the people I did get along with in high school. There were a few who I shared laughs and good times with. Claire was one of those. We had an acting class together. She made me feel accepted. Anyway, we chatted a little bit and caught up on the anything new since we last seen each other. Her dad just passed away. I gave her a hug and really felt her pain. Seems that a lot of my friends are losing a parent lately. Not a happy thought at all. Makes me realize my own parents aren't spring chickens anymore. Thankfully, they are in good health. I thank the angels for that.

 I was telling Claire about my thoughts on transitioning. I am still amazed at the fact at how people are so not surprised about it. It is a lot like when I came out. "What took you so long?" kinda thing. Was I really so transparent as a younger person? Did I really think I was fooling anyone with my "straight" act? I guess not. The decision the transition was a lot like when I came out. A huge relief. Now I don't have to pretend anymore. The mask is off.  Whether I go through with transition or not, just admitting that it is a possibility for me makes me feel better.


(Sorry for the interruption but Holy Fuck! Do I ever make good chili!!)


I am taking steps now to try and get my mind and body to match. Maybe that is all I need to do to keep sane. For now anyway. Maybe things will change in the future. I guess only time will tell.

My friend Chris over at changethetopic.com had his one year blogaversary this past week. I am so proud of him. His writing has improved so much over the year and I really love going back and reading some of my favourites. There was the video blog from the cocoon. And the one on a local paper that blasted a council woman for performing in drag show for charity. His words to me in that one made me cry. Again. He has done that to me a few times. Little bastard.  You folks should check it out if you haven't yet. I warn you, really nothing is sacred with him. He goes after anyone and everyone. Sometimes it's in a good way, sometimes it's not. But I promise he will make you think about things a little bit differently.

I have managed to meet a couple of women on line. All we are doing right now is e mailing and getting to know each other. It's fun and a great distraction of my reality. But who knows right? Sometimes you have to put yourself out there.

I have been practicing my drag king act. There might not be much of a show this year but I am hoping they can squeeze me in. Along with my friend Ryder. I need to start shopping for my charactor costumes. I won't tell you what it is going to be. But I will be post a video after I perform.

I am pretty nervous about it. I may need to have a drink or two before I get up there. Just to get a little brave. I am not much of a drinker so I will have to be careful to not drink too much and be drunk on stage. That would be bad. Besides, hangovers suck. Really suck.

Ok. that's about it. I need to clean the kitchen now that I am done my cooking duties. And have something to eat. All that cooking made me hungry.

Don't roll your blood shot eyes at me.

Dustin


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Random Randomness

I know.  I know. I skipped a week. But I have a really good excuse. Are you ready? Here it is.

My parents stopped to visit on their way back from Alaska.

For those of you who are regular readers, you know how much I love my parents (though they drive me crazy with the nit picking at each other.).  I was able to spend the day with my mom again. It was lovely. I didn't even mind being subjected to the baby shower for Stinker.

I really don't like baby showers and will try to avoid them whenever possible. It is the same with bridal showers. I am just not girly enough to find those kinds of things enjoyable. I went to this one, because I love my niece with all my heart. And it was a chance to see and hold Stinker again. Though my mom held him most of the time. He didn't seem to mind. There is something special about Mama.

Of course, hanging out with my parents meant hanging out with the older one. It was a huge test for the words my new shrink gave me "You can not change the thoughts and actions of others.". There were many deep breaths and a few cringes but I managed to be civil.

The new Doc handed me a few thoughts to mull over before I see her again. One was why do I go out of my way to be nice to "strangers" (I.E non family members)? I guess my answer to that is my friends are my chosen family. But I am nice to my family members. Just not the other two. Just because we grew up in the same family and shared some of the same experiences, does not mean we have to be friends. Our perceptions of our "shared" childhood are different and as such, we grew in different directions.

The twin thing came up again. I tried to explain why I hate being a twin. That closeness is not something I craved when dealing with the other one. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be an individual. I know I was born a twin but it does not have to define my life. I hate being referred to as "the twins". I am in my 40's now. I am little too old for such a childish moniker. I hated being dressed alike as a child. Especially if it was dresses. I never liked my given name. I was teased about it alot. There were many fights about it with neighborhood kids.

I have sometimes wondered if being gay and/or being transgendered is more about being different then the other one. It is not a pleasant thought. Really. But it is something I have considered. Then I realized that I love women. I mean LOVE women. Those of you in the "know" will know what I am talking about. From the first time I kissed a woman, I was hooked. And I will be forever grateful to her for opening that closet door for me. It was already cracked open but she let the light in.

This past Friday, after my appointment with Dr.G, I hung out with H and L. And H's friend F. Who is a hottie! MMM. Tasty. And yes H. You can tell her that. LOL We chatted, laughed, went for awesome Indian food. (For those of you in the Peace area, check out Curry Etcetra in Pouce Coupe. Awesome food and great service!) We then dropped F off at home and headed back to H and L's. Where H gave me a haircut. Shows great trust on my part as we all know how vain I am about my hair. She used electric clippers and did a pretty good job considering she was half corked.

*We interrupt this blog to inform you that 2 of my cats are going crazy on cat nip. It is really funny to watch. Resume blog.*

After sitting on the deck, enjoying the warm evening, I came home. With a wonderful feeling of friendship and companionship and feeling of acceptance. And it made me think on what Dr.G and I talked about. Non family members or my chosen family, tend to be more accepting of me. Not to say that my family doesn't love me or accept me. Because they do. I feel their love reaching me through the distance. But my chosen family is here. Not far away. Plus, my chosen family have fewer memories of me to overcome. Those family members that are having a hard time with me and my life and my decisions, it is OK. Really. I can not control the thoughts and actions of others. I only ask you be respectful of me. I ask that if you have any questions, please direct them to me. I am best one to answer them after all.

So I made the decision to not have a relationship with the older one or the other one. I can be around them and be civil but I do not to be part of their lives like they don't need to be a part of mine. I still have great relationships with my nieces and nephews and their kids. I still have great relationships with my aunts and uncles and my vast amounts of cousins so to have one with my sisters is a non issue at this point.

So, as you can see, it has been an eventful 2 weeks. A lot of thinking and a lot of laughter. No tears though. And that is a good thing.

Stay tuned for more of my life. Such as it is.

I am 32 flavours and then some.

Dustin

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Moving on and new additions.

It's been a while. Sorry about that. How have you all been? I have been OK. A lot of different things going on with me.

I don't think Duff is coming home. And I am very sad about that. I loved him very much. He was a manly cat who was my precious sock monster. I am going to stop now because I get a lump in my throat thinking about what might have happened to him.

Since the energy has not felt right in my home with Duff gone, I decided to adopt another cat. Honestly, I did try to just have two cats but I couldn't do it. Three seems to be the magic number. And it had to be a boy cat. There is enough estrogen in the place now.

I did a lot of research and checked out my local SPCA. I was there several times and met a lot of different cats. I was torn between two different males. A part Siamese named Shogun. He has blue eyes that are slightly crossed. A very handsome face who gets along with other cats and likes belly rubs. The other is an orange tabby named Flaim. He is actually a light orange colour. Almost peach. Very affectionate. Gives head nuzzles and is just a tiny thing compared to my last orange tabby.

After much debate, I went with Flaim. Who I re named Boris. He seems to be fitting in nicely. There has been some hissing with the other two, but no fights. So I guess that is good. I thought I would never want another orange tabby after having to get Tang put down but I love them. They are a unique personality that seems to fit with mine. Oh and he is already neutered, had all his shots and has a micro chip. He has attached himself to me quite a bit. Follows me around the apartment. I like that.

Let's see what else?

I had my fist appointment with my new shrink. Dr.G. I think I like her. We actually had a conversation with her asking me questions. She gave me some insight and some things to think about. I see her again next month so I guess we will see.

I have a new great nephew. His name is Joshua. I call him Stinker. Little Stinker. He was born 5 weeks early and weighted only 4 lbs 10 oz. But he is very healthy. He is over 5 lbs now. They let him come home after only a week in the hospital, he was doing so well. He is trying to hold his head up and has great focus when you talk to him. He hates being wrapped up in a blanket and squirms all the time!  I am looking forward to getting to know him.

My niece, S, who is Stinker's Mom, is doing a great job at being a Mom. She has waited so long to be a Mom. I am very happy she finally has her chance. I love you Mouse! Great job!

My parents surprised me by coming through on the their way to Alaska with friends. Everyone was told no to say anything to me. Ha ha! I think my surprise in April was better. Doesn't matter. I got to see my folks. I got to hug them. and work gave me a day off to spend with my Mom. I love hanging out with my mom. We went shopping, had lunch, visited Mouse and Stinker. it was a great day. We had dinner with my aunt and uncle and my cousin's family. The older one made a couple of appearances. I spoke to her but really didn't make an effort. I have discovered that I really have no feelings towards her. I feel flat when I look at her or talk to her. It's the same with the other one. Just nothing.

Mom and Dad have been giving travel updates to the other two. None to me. I think it is a ploy by my mother to get the three of us to speak to each other. All they have done is text me with the updates. I say thank you and that's about it. I think Mom will just have to accept that the three of us are not going to be friends. That is all there is to it.

I have asked my sisters not to talk about me behind my back. If they have anything to say about me, they should say it to me. That, of course, hasn't happened. They still talk behind my back. I have been trying to just ignore it but it really does hurt me. Dr.G gave me some advice about it. "I can't control the thoughts and actions of others." I have already found that this is helping. Though I may have an initial blast of anger, I repeat that in my head and I calm down. I begin to think that they are allowed to be douche bags and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to learn how to work around it. It will be a long process but I think it is doable.

The only thing that would make life a little better right now is to meet someone special. Admittedly, it would mean leaving my house. That's the hard part right now. I can't seem to make myself go out into situations that there will be strangers and I have no back up. Freaks me out. A lot. I can be all funny and flirty and suave. If I have someone with me. and it is usually Tasha. Tasha makes a lousy wingman. (Sorry Tasha. But it's true.)  I have been invited to Prince George to hang out with my friend J. I think I need to do that. Very soon. A weekend away. Where J and I can go and have a bro's night out.  My birthday is coming up. Maybe I will treat myself to a road trip.

Back to my new cat. Because I need him to bond with this home but it is still summer and fairly warm outside, I want to leave my windows open. So I bought some chicken wire and stapled it over the window. I thought this would be a good way to accomplish both. Turns out I under estimated Bean. She somehow managed to squeeze her way out. Maybe I missed stapling a portion or maybe she pushed at it hard enough to pop the staples, I don't know. All I know is she got out. So did Boris but something freaked him out so she came back in right away. Tomorrow, I am adding another layer of wire to see if that helps with my mini escape artist.


Somehow, Blogger lost most of the last paragraph . Sorry about that folks. I hope this makes much more sense now. 

Any words of adive about any of the topics I covered today would be awesome.

Cat scratch fever

Dustin

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Life or something like it.

Before you start in on me, yes I know it has been 2 weeks since I have posted anything. You have to understand that it takes time to process things in my little pea brain. And translating those thoughts to words is sometimes very hard.

So, now that I have that off my chest, let's start the blog shall we?


Duff still isn't home. It's been about a month now. I think I have to admit he has been kidnapped by aliens who were passing through our universe. They stole him because of his steel grey fur and fabulous puffy tail. And because he looks so cute yoga sleeping.


  And of course, there is the whole sock pile thing.  Really? How could you not love a cat who loves the sock pile?


The other two cats have been keeping me well amused. Bean is my lean dancer. She stretches out incredibly long. And with her colouring, it looks like she is wearing pantaloons. She is also my little groomer. There is a spot on the top of my head that tends to get a lot of attention.



Ain't she cute??

And who could forget Fidget? She is all black and almost as wide as she is tall. She is a mighty hunter. Worms. Leaves. Dead bugs. Yes. With Fidget around, I don't have to worry about starving.  She is also vocal. I can have a conversation with her.  When she talks though, it sounds like you are pulling her tail hairs out one by one.  She also doesn't like jumping up on anything. She prefers to claw her way up. The couch. The cat pole. The bed. My leg. I have put the cat food up so she has to climb to get it.





See? As wide as she is tall.


OK. Enough about my cats. It is not helping my case that I am not the crazy cat person. I just love my furkids is all.


Oh. I do have to mention that one of them, (Bean I believe) brought home a mouse the other day. A live one. And let it go in the apartment. Then promptly fell asleep. I ended up having to buy mouse traps to catch it. Which I did. 2 cats in the house and I have to buy traps. *shakes head.* Stoopid cats.


I have been a bit (a lot) of a home body lately. Seems like when I am done work, I just want to come home and stay home. Even on the weekends. Last weekend, I didn't even go outside. I wonder why that is. I have always been a bit of a home body but this seems extreme. Maybe I will talk to my new shrink about it.

Yes. New shrink. I broke up with Dr.J last month. I have an appointment with a new one in Dawson Creek on August 8th. Hopefully, we will get along and start making some progress. Dr.J , of course, called me to "talk" about why I want to see someone else. I didn't want to tell her that I think she was making things worse or that she totally offended me. I told her that it just didn't feel a connection with her. That I didn't feel like it was working. And I am taking a pro active approach to my treatment. She sounded offended. Oh well.

I know I still need help. Not just with my transgender issues. But with a lot of things. One thing Dr.J did mention was co dependence. So I am reading a couple of books she recommended. Not sure if they are helping but I figure it couldn't hurt right?

I still haven't heard from the shrink in Edmonton. The gender specialist. On one hand, it pisses me off. But on the other hand, it is a good thing. It is really making me re think everything. There a lot of side effects with being on testosterone. More then I thought. I know about the hair growth etc. But there are some that scare the hell out of me. Aggression. Cancer.  And surgery. Whew. That's a big one. The cost alone is huge. Let alone how invasive it is.  Do I really need to put myself through that at my age? I know there are older people who have gone through it and going through it. I guess what I am trying to say is my gender was not something I really thought about. I ignored it as much as possible. I think what made me realize that maybe I didn't need surgery or injections to be who I want to be is my trip to Birdman's wedding. There, I was Dustin. Just Dustin. No questions.

I think I need to take a big step and talk to my parents. And talk to my boss. And let him know what is going on with me seeing a shrink. And to try and get them to call me Dustin. Or even Dusty. If the "maleness" of my name is too much. My folks is the hardest one. Mom already mentioned she didn't like the new one. I tried to tell her that I liked it and it suited me much more then my birth name. I don't think she understands. In fact, I know she can't. It might be too much for her.

(Time out. The Blue Jays are playing. It is bases loaded with none out and we are at bat. I'll be back.)

OK. I''m back. It is 14-7 for the Jays against the Red Sox. we scored 3 runs. Woo!!

Back onto topic. I may just have to accept that Mom and Dad will never see me for who I want to be. I will always be "Yvette" to them. The hard part for me is going to allow them to do that. And try not to cram it down their throats.

On a happy note, I seen an old high school friend in the grocery store the other day. She introduced me as Dustin to another person. My heart soared when she did that! Lew, I love you my pal! It was the first time in Fort St John I have been introduced as Dustin. It felt awesome! I felt accepted.

Even with all these things going on in my head, I feel like I am in a good space. Well. A better space anyway. I have my apartment set up in a great way. I actually have extra seating now. So I am planning a little Greycup party. Yes. I know it is not till the end of November. But having an apartment full of people is something I have to build myself up to. It's not like the old days when I was a medic and would invite a bunch of my medic pals over for a night of drinking and debauchery.


Actually. It was only two nights of debauchery. But what great debauchery it was! Remember Tracey?

That will be another blog post.

I promise.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Dustin





Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What is on my mind?

What isn't on my mind. I'm just not sure where to start.

My cat, Duff, disappeared a week and a half ago. That is not like him at all. He always comes home and checks in with me. But nothing. Gone. No sign of him anywhere. I have checked with the neighbors. I checked with the SPCA. I posted ads on line. Nothing.

I am totally heart broken. I miss him so much! So do Bean and Fidget. I can tell. He is an awesome cat! Steel grey with yellow eyes. He likes to yoga sleep. Half upside down with his front legs over his head. Need a visual? Here you go.



He is also my sock monster. For those of you not familiar with that, I will explain. From the time I rescued him from an ex girlfriend, he has been fascinated with my socks.  Fresh socks. Out of the dryer. Even if they are not warm. He buries himself in the sock pile and purrs and rubs them on him and just looks happy happy happy. Need a visual? Here you go.


Can you say bliss? I knew you could. 

I miss my boy so much. I want him to come home.  Really.


Really. How can you resist that face? My handsome little furry man. I come home everyday expecting him to be here. But he's not. (Imagine the sad sad face I have right now.)


On a happy note. I went to Beaverlodge last weekend to see Myrna and Elsa and Willie. As it turns out, her sister Sherry and hubby Ted was there too. Along with the kidlets, Anna and Wyatt. Oh. And the furry one, Lola. We were missing Jordyn though. She was visiting other family. We missed her a lot and made sure we called and chatted with her.  It was an awesome family weekend.


On a crappy note, I had no hot water Monday night. Turns out there was a leak in the boiler room. No biggie right?

Wrong.

Guess where the water leaked into?

That's right boys and girls. Into my apartment. Again. My closet floor was SOAKING wet. Again.

Because I have been through this before, I didn't have much on the floor to get wet and ruined. But, because the water seeped so far under the carpet and underlay, I had to lift my bed and move it out of the way. And have no room to lay it down. So I have no where to sleep until the carpet is dry and the experts come to fix it.

Thank God for Tasha! I am now staying with her for a couple of nights until my place is back to normal. I have no idea what I would do without her. Once again, she has saved me.


I have voiced how displeased I am about the continual flooding of my closet. Needless to say, there will be some compensation for this. Especially since this is not the first time it has happened. And not the first time I have mentioned to them that maybe they should do something in the boiler room so when a pipe does leak, because they do once in a while, rather then the water draining INTO my apartment, the water drains INTO the drain. What a radical idea!! Here is hoping they actually get it done this time.

Anyway, I am off to Tasha's for dinner and a sleep over on the couch.


Singin' in the rain



Dustin


Monday, July 2, 2012

The Game

Today, we are going to talk about my trip to Skydome.

Yes. Skydome. It will never be Rogers Center to me. It will forever be Skydome.

And I also want to say how happy I am that it is now the Blue Jays again. Not the "Jays" with that stupid angry bird looking logo they had.


My heart fluttered when I seen this for the first time. Even now, 3 weeks later, I get a huge grin on my face thinking about it. It was a dream come tryue for me. I have said for years that I could die happy if I could only see the Jays play in Skydome.

Well. I seen the Blue Jays play. And they won. Against the Phillies. WOO!

Anyway, more on that later.

When my cousin and I bought our tickets, she told the girl behind the glass it was my first time at a game. And how excited I was about it.  The girl was so happy for me, she even agreed to get her picture taken with Melvin.



 Ok. So it's not a great picture, but you get the idea.

We were early for the game so we walked all around Skydome. That was cool! It looks HUGE! But walking around it didn't really take that long. I bought a few souveniers and we waited for the gates to open.

Finally they let us in.

OH MY GOD!

Walking into the Dome for the first time. There are no words to describe the feelings I was having. Remember, this was a dream come true for me. Ever since the Jays moved into Skydome, won the World Series there, I have wanted to go. I honestly thought I never would.  I could have cried when I stood at the top railing and looked down onto the field.


It was everything I dreamed of and more..

Do I sound like a geek? I don't care. This was my dream. Is my dream.

We watched batting practice and I was this close to catching one.

Oh and I should mention that we were sitting the second row up from the third base line. :D


Here are some more pictures I took.




The flags and the JUMBOTRON!!!



The dome was open because it was a beautiful day.





Can you tell by my smile how happy I am to be there?



There was over 28,000 people there. More then the population of Fort St.John. How cool is that?

My cousin has more pictures but I have to wait till her son downloads them. "D" is not smart when it comes to that sort of thing. I will post another blog when they send them to me.




Ace the mascot, rockin' the air guitar.



Melvin!! In Skydome!! OMG!!!


Ok. So that is it for today. 


Take me out to the ball game.....


Dustin.












Monday, June 25, 2012

The Vacation of my life!

So I have been home for a week and a bit now.  Back in my own bed and back to work. And trying very hard to get back into my routine.

I miss my friends in Ontario though. Birdman and the Mrs. The girls, TT Three fingers and O The one eared wonder. And Blue the D.O.G! Scooter and Nana Bird. Bugsy and the Bird sisters. I miss everyone I met there.

Really. It was the best vacation I have ever had. Beautiful country, beautiful people. The wedding was totally amazing! Mrs. B was so beautiful it took my breath away. And I have never seen Birdman so happy. I'm surprised he didn't break his face from smiling so much. He looked pretty good too.

But then, I think we all looked good. I do admit, the shoes were HIGHLY uncomfortable. I was never so happy to slide my feet into my sandals.

I think one of my most favourite people I met was Nana Bird. She stole my heart the first day I met her.  I ended up staying with her for a few days after the wedding. I felt as comfortable there as I would my own Mom's house. And she treated me like I was one of her own. We talked a lot and laughed a lot. I know now why Birdman loves his Mom so much. Really. How could you not love that smile? Her heart is 3 times the size she is.

And the girls! Oh my God the girls! Two of the most polite and nicest kids I have ever met! Funny and smart and talented! But don't EVER drop an "F" bomb around them. I ended up having to buy them ice cream AND slushies. I think I owe them ice cream the next time I come down.

Melvin had a total blast! I think more people knew him from sneaking into bed with Mrs.Birdman then from his facebook page. We have decided that Ontario was his bi-curious time. He came with "K" and I to Church Street and ended up getting into all kinds of situations. There was the spanking in front of Woody's

 There was the young lesbians at Zippers.....



There is a whole post on just Melvin's shenaigans and I promise I will get to the stories.


I think the best part of my holiday, besides seeing a Blue Jays game in Skydome(EEEKKKKK!!!Really!! IN Skydome!), was everyone called me Dustin. That is how I was introduced, that is what I answered to. No one blinked an eye. I was completely accpeted for me and was never questioned on my choices. And I was amazed, AMAZED how many people said they read my blog! That made me so happy! I know Birdman was worried at one point that someone may say something to me that would be hurtful. The complete opposite happened. I met so many positive people that made me feel good and made me feel comfortable.

I was even invited to have dinner with "L" and "J" and thier 6 kids. Yes. I said six. Three are hers and three were his. But they made an awesome blended family. Plus, they had awesome bbq'ed dead cow.

I ended up leaving the wedding dance a little early. Around midnight I think. (Thanks for the ride Chin!) I found that my anxiety level was rising. Not sure why. I felt comfortable and was having a good time. But then, all of a sudden, BLAM! it hit me.  It was nothing anyone said or did, it was just my own mind playing against me. I tried to fight through it. I sat outside for a while and got some air. But the feeling was just too overwhelming. Once I got back to the apartment, I calmed down and my breathing returned to normal. From the pictures that changethetopic.com posted, I missed a hell of a party. I am really hoping that by 2014, when I go back for World Pride, my anxiety will be much more under control.

So I am thinking of performing at Dawson Creek Pride this year. Maybe doing "Fat bottom girls" by Queen.

Thoughts?

Little Miss Little Miss can't be wrong.....

Dustin