Life in a nutshell

So many things going on.

First off, my one year of Real life experience was on the 21st. I went to my doctor before that and got things rolling for all my referrals. He also dropped my testosterone dose a little bit. Apparently I am at the upper level so it is time to dial back a little. Instead of 100 mg every week, I am down to 75 mg. So far so good. I am not noticing any changes. But then, it has only been a couple of weeks.

I shaved my face for the first time too. Not that I had that much facial hair but my " Billy goat gruff" whiskers under my chin were getting out of control. And the side burn on the left side was looking a little scraggly. So I shaved. I have whiskers growing again. Slowly but they are there. My face was itchy afterwards. I did use after shave balm. It felt weird having a smooth face again. I kept trying to play with whiskers that weren't there. I am hoping they will come in thicker and darker.

There was some good news in the family as well. My nephew, Booger and his wife are having twins in July. That will make 5 kids for them. Good thing they are young and energetic. HAHA!
There is some not so good news as well. But I don't have permission to discuss it here so I won't. I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I am now fostering a dog for a friend. Abby. She is a German Sheppard. 9 years old but plays like she is a puppy. Loves the snow. It has been a big adjustment for me. I have to get up earlier to feed her and take her for a walk. Then another walk at lunch time. When I get home from work and then before bedtime. Also some play time in there as well. Thank goodness I live close to a school yard. Lots of space to throw the ball for her. She is not used to having to pee and poop while on a leash but she is getting used to it. She walks on the leash really well but isn't very traffic smart. So we are working on that. And she is nervous around people she doesn't know. Otherwise, she is very calm and quiet. So very smart. Even the cats are getting used to her. Fidget is in love with Abby. Monty is trying to figure out how to play with Abby. And Bean isn't hissing anymore and will be in the same room with the dog now. I guess that is all I can ask for.

Now onto a few personal things.

I seem to be going through something I can't put words too. I don't want to be touched. My skin feels weird. I am so uncomfortable in my body right now. I have no sex drive. I am feeling the need to hide away when I am not at work. Which is why Abby is so good for me right now. She won't let me hid away.
Anyway, my mood hasn't been the greatest. I am pushing people away. Reverting into myself. Which really isn't new. I do tend to do this once in a while but it seems amplified this time. Maybe because of my transition. Maybe because of other things. I don't know. I just know I feel scared and weird in my skin. I am trying to deal with it as much as I can. Trying to find words to describe what I am going through is hard. I just know that I have to keep fighting for myself. Everyday is a new day. And everyday I look for something good and happy. I have too. Because if I don't, I really will lose my mind.

I seem to have missed placed my Bro codes. So I will leave you with this little nugget instead.

Rah Rah Rasputin. Lover of the Russian queen.

Dustin

Long time coming

I have written this blog in my head about 10 times. But I could never seem to actually get my ass over to the computer to start writing. I finally decided today was the day.

So here it goes.

Christmas. Here and gone. Thank goodness. This year was a good one though. Spent the night at Tasha's. We opened presents, had breakfast, watched a movie, had a nap. All in all, a great day. Boxing day was spent at her Mom's house with the family. I enjoyed that as well. Though I was given a hard time about the size of my left over containers. I just wanted to make sure I had enough because the food was so awesome.

New Years was spent with my lovely woman in Prince George. We had a quiet evening watching movies and "entertaining" each other. I seem to have passed the complete pet test as well. Abby, the reluctant snuggler, was happy to see me and came around in about an hour of me being there. And Milo, the shy bedroom dweller, decided he liked me enough to wake me up in the middle of the night with kisses. He was the last hold out.  G and I also took the dogs for a walk with her friend A and her doggie pal Maggie. It was a lot of fun! Though Abby and Roxie almost yanked my shoulders out the sockets. A also joined us for a dinner and movie night. G and I also spent an evening with J and Z playing cards. Who knew G was such a card shark though! That night, we brought Angus the pit bull with us. He was such a good boy! Just hung out with us, played tug with J and chilled out. I ended up having quite the "bromance" with Angus. Such a good boy.

I have almost completed my one year of real life experience for my transition. February 21 is the day.

I can remember feeling so frantic about starting. I was so disappointed that it was going to take so long to get started. The wait to see Dr. Warneke seems like such a long time. I thought I was going to go crazy from all the waiting. And now my year is almost up. It seems to have flown by. Amazing.

Next step is to get my referrals into the mental health professionals. That appointment can be done over video conferencing which is cool. That means I shouldn't have to travel to Vancouver for an appointment. I also need a referral to the plastic surgeon and to a gynaecologist. The plastic surgeon is of course for my top surgery. To get the girls gone. It will most likely be a long wait for that. The gyno is for a hysterectomy. See, I can not legally change the gender on my Saskatchewan birth certificate until my uterus is removed. I need a signed letter from all my doctors saying that my "Sexual Reassignment Surgery" has been completed. I know it will still be a long road but it is so worth it. Surgeries don't bother. I am not scared at all. I just want them over with. So it is one less thing I need to think about.

I have had a couple of intense conversations about my transition lately. See, for me, every time I leave my house, I feel like I am on display. I know my appearance is pretty much male by now. I have some great facial hair coming in. Lots of long peach fuzz under my chin I like to call my "billy goat gruff" whiskers. My voice has dropped nicely, though it does crack once in a while. I am binding effectively. Not quite flat chested but layers and the proper shirt helps cover that. I guess my issue in being out in public is a lack of self confidence my appearance. Maybe when I grow more facial hair I can pass easier. Maybe when I lose some weight I can pass better. Maybe when my voice deepens some more I can pass better.  All these things go through my mind from the moment I leave in the morning till I get home at the end of my day. It is so very draining. It causes my social anxiety to go through the roof sometimes. Those are the days I can't face the world at all. I may call in sick or just stay inside all weekend. In order to protect myself, I have built a huge wall around my emotions. To protect myself from the negativity I face. The unfortunate thing about that, is it can keep the people I care about at an arm's length. I am trying to learn how to open myself up more. Teach myself I am strong enough to handle the pain and hurt people can inflict. What a stranger thinks about me or says to me really doesn't matter. At least, that is what my head says. My heart is different. Trying to get the two of them to synch up is hard. But I am trying.

So that is where I am at now.

Thanks for reading.

Bro Code Article  # 114

If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. if he stays longer then a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer then two months, he shall steam clean the couch of have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

Dustin