Saturday, September 7, 2013

Mind F**ks

This post has been a couple of weeks in the works. Seems that whenever I feel it is time to write, something else comes along to make me re write it. At least in my head. I never seem to get to the computer to start something. Mainly because this stupid blog wakes me up at 3:30 AM, with brilliant insight into my thoughts and feelings.

I love my blog. But I am not getting out of bed at 3:30 AM to write it.

So here I am at 10:30 PM on a Saturday night. I just got home from a BBQ at Tasha's house. I almost backed out. I have been having anxiety about it since Thursday. Mainly because there were going to be people there I didn't know. I don't do well with strangers sometimes.

But I went. There was an friend from years ago that I re connected with. Plus Tasha's mom and sister in law. So it was cool. I managed to make a good appearance. I may have seemed calm and collected, but on the inside, I was fighting the urge to run home. I even managed to have a conversation with a guy I had just met tonight.  It was a tough thing to do but I am glad I went. I am glad I was out and about. I spend too much time at home in my head.

Tomorrow I am going fishing with A and another new friend, K. She is another crush for me. Very cute. Funny, smart, outgoing. Someone I could see drawing me out of my shell. She has not expressed any interest in me. Besides acknowledging my flirtatious side. I guess all I can do is ride the wave and see where it goes. You never know. Maybe she will find me charming and irresistible. (You can stop laughing now.)

I wonder why I have no problem hanging out with this woman, K yet I have an issue hanging out with friends of Tasha's? I know she would not hang out with people who objected to me. Or expressed any negative opinions about gays or transgender people. And it's not like Tasha's house is outside my comfort zone. If I can fall asleep on her couch, it a safe zone for me. So why? Why did I feel so anxious? Really. I want to know. Anyone have any ideas?

The head shaving has been going well. I shave it every other day. I use an after shave lotion for sensitive skin. It gets all tingly afterwards. I kinda like it. I love having it shaved. I love that I am called "sir" so much more. I get "dude" a lot too. I don't even mind the fact my head gets cold at night when I am trying to sleep. I admit, I find great pleasure in running my fingers over my bald head. I always seem to find the spots I missed. I hate stubble though. It's like fucking Velcro. Yes I know winter is coming. I have lots of hats and toques I can wear. It is almost time to take the air conditioner out of the window. But not quite time to turn the heat up. With all the layers I wear everyday, it is a good time of the year. I think I have even found a scent for me. I thought about it a lot. And I decided to go with the classic Old Spice after shave. I put some on tonight for the BBQ and was complimented on how good I smelled. So that is that. I am an Old Spice man.

Speaking of things heating up, I have been texting with a woman I met on line. She is 37, has 2 kids and even lives in town. We are trying to figure out a good time to meet for a coffee. Maybe next weekend. She had family obligations this weekend. She seems pretty interested.  Of course, there has been full disclosure on my part. I feel it is best. Actually, to do anything less would be lying and I am not going to do that. She asked me a great deal of questions. Which is a good thing. It means she is curious. And curiosity leads to learning and learning opens your mind. I am hopeful she will continue to be interested. I look forward to meeting her in person and being able to have a real conversation with her. I will update you as to the results.

I am FINALLY going to go see my Scuzzin! After checking with her, I booked a few days off at the end of October/ beginning of November. I am so excited! It has been way too long. Not only am I looking forward to seeing her, I am looking forward to the long road trip. Even though I go to Edmonton at the end of the month, I feel the need for a longer trip. I look forward to sitting, drinking tea and talking to her. About what she is going through, About what I am going through. Getting to know her thoughts and feelings. And to let her know how I feel. I know she reads my blog. She knows I love her to the moon and back. But I want to tell her face to face. Hear me Scuz? You are going to hear a lot of that while I am there. Deal with it!!!

Something else has happened that has made me re think a few things.

There is woman I have been friends with since high school. In fact, I had a crush on her back then. We stayed in casual contact. Lunch once in a while. Or coffee if we had the time. Our lives never seemed to sync to spend more time together. Her life went one way and mine went another. She has been a cheerleader for me and I have always appreciated it. She is smart and insightful and very spiritual in a way I have never been. Talking with her leaves me re thinking and questioning things I might not have thought about before. And I like that. Remember, curious leads to learning, learning leads to an open mind.

Anyway, our casual conversations took an interesting turn recently. She knows about my crush on her. And my casual flirting. She has flirted back and we started a conversation about it. The messages took on a clearly sexual overtone. Which turned into text messages then into a phone call. That phone call was pretty fucking hot. I replay it in my head. Makes me sweat. I never thought things would ever go there. I am glad they did. I feel closer to this woman. Closer as a friend. Almost like a new found respect. Not because of the phone sex. Because of the conversation afterwards. She admits she is curious about sex with a woman. and yes, I identify as a man but all my parts are still female. There is nothing I can do about it right now so let's move on shall we? Anyway, she has said that she would like her first time with a woman to be with someone she knows and trusts. And she also admits there in an attraction to me as well. Which is a good thing. The opportunity to spend some time together is a definite possibility. I admit I am excited about this possibility. Not because I am expecting a relationship to form. We already have that. We have a friendship. I am talking about the possibility of having sex with her. I think she would be a blast in bed. And lets' be honest, it has been a while for me. And I have hit the horny part of my treatment. I really want to get laid. And to have a dream come true by having sex with this beautiful creature? Why wouldn't I? I am confident enough in our friendship and the level of honesty we have with each other that we can continue to be friends afterwards. We will just have an amazing memory to share.

And then there is another dear friend of mine. She had a dream we were kissing.

Excuse me? Kissing?

Then she had the nerve to say I was bad kisser in the dream. For the record. I am NOT a bad kisser.

I told her she had no right to judge me from her dream since she has never kissed me for real.

The point to this story, or at least one point, is that she is thinking about it. That threw me for a loop. What the fuck? What are you thinking? Really. I want to know. Because I feel confused.

The other point is what the hell am I throwing out into the universe all of a sudden that I have got three different women thinking about me at once? I realize I am nice guy. Maybe a little edgy because of my transition in the small city. Oh and I smell good. Am I being rewarded for a good deed? Or am I being tested? To see if I make the right choices? Should I just let things unfold as they do? Am I over thinking things? Should I just be grateful for the gifts I have been given?

These are the thoughts waking me up at 3:30 AM.

The Bro Code Article # 19

A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's hot sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sister is hot!"