So spank me

All right. I know. Long wait in between posts. I guess I am just not that disciplined to write every week.

Lots of things going on. There was a trip to Prince George that didn't work out. The weather was just too bad. Oh well.

Work. Well. The douche and I had to have a meeting with the big boss. We both had our hands slapped for not respecting each other. I don't think it really helped. The douche has gotten worse. He HAS to be involved in anything I do. Even if the big boss has given me a specific job to do, douche has to be in there. Almost like he is trying to take credit for my work. Or like he is threatened by my work.

It is very frustrating.

But because I love my job, regardless of the douche, I will stick it out.

Also, my big boss is the BOMB!!

For those of you who are not on my Facebook friends list and may not know the great news, here it is.

A bit of background first.

 Over a year ago, I requested to go on testosterone to begin transitioning. I was referred to a psychiatrist in Edmonton. After my referral was sent, I contacted his office and was told it could be up to 6 months before they even looked at my paperwork and up to a year before I get an appointment. Needless to say, I was very discouraged. I started questioning myself and my decision to transition. Was it really something I wanted to do? Was it a WANT rather then a NEED? Do I really want to put my body through the trauma of shots and possibly surgery? At 44 years old, is it something I need to pursue? I admit, I had given up. I figured that I would build myself into a better butch and be happy with that.

Problem was, the want to be a man never left. I was having dreams of moustaches and sideburns. Dreams of a flat chest and fitting into my men's dress shirts properly. Dreams of a deeper voice and being called "he" and "sir" and have it be for real.

I never told anyone of these dreams. Because if I told anyone, maybe it wouldn't come true at all.  I had convinced myself that I didn't want it. And I convinced the people around me as well.

I am sorry about that. For not being more honest with you.

I went to my doctor last week. Not the same doctor I had before. That guy is gone for a year so I now see his replacement. Anyway, I talked to him about the night sweats I am having and the irregularity of my period. It was decided I am probably going through pre menopause. Loverly. He said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, we will look into hormone replacement. That is when I mentioned the testosterone. Why not put me on that instead of estrogen? So I will quit having my period. Woo! I am not having kids and my period is just a glaring reminder that I have parts I don't want.

Anyway, he called the psychiatrist in Edmonton to see the status of my referral. He was told that it could be 3 to 4 months before I will get a call for an appointment then maybe another 2 to 3 months before the actual appointment. I walked out feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. Like the dreams were really never going to come true.

I came home. Feeling depressed and frustrated. Then my phone rang.

It was the psychiatrist in Edmonton. Well. His receptionist. She said, "I just received a phone call about you today and then I came across your referral. I am booking for January and the people in front of you in the binder never answered. You are the only one. Does January 4 th at 11 AM work for you?"

I thought I was going to cry! I told her that of course I want that appointment! I would be crazy not to take the appointment!

Even now. 4 days later, I have butterflies in my stomach I am so excited! I realize he may just say no. But I think I will get my dream.  By this time next year, I could have a bit of a moustache.  Wouldn't that be cool?!?

The next step after seeing the shrink, is to talk to my parents. Something I have been avoiding for a long time. They are not on Facebook. And I have never mentioned my blog. I am not sure if any of my family who read my blog has mentioned it to them either. I don't think they have because my folks have never said anything to me about it. I am not expecting open arms. A little understanding would be good. Even if not understanding then respect is the next thing. Respect my decision. Respect my name. Respect my choices. Because it is not something I am jumping into without looking first. I have thought about this almost my entire life and I have done a lot of research and soul searching to reach this decision. As for my sisters, I know they will ridicule and judge me. As always. I do not anticipate a relationship growing between the three of us because of my choices. That has been proven in the past. I am no better. I too have judged them for their life choices . My life choices, to now anyway, seem to have a smaller impact on the family then theirs. Yes. I am saying I feel I am better then them. I am not proud of it. And it is something I am working on. Even though I have chosen not to have a functioning relationship with them, I do need to get over the "Holier then thou" attitude I have towards them.


I talked to my boss at work about it as well. Because I need a couple of days off to go to Edmonton. And because there could be some big changes coming. And I needed to know that my job is still going to be there. I know some of my co workers will not understand and will most likely ridicule me. But whatever. I can deal with that. If my boss is respectful about it, the others will soon fall into line. I know he won't let it go on.

I do have to send out a HUGE thank you to the family and friends that do read this blog and have been so supportive of me. You have made this journey so much easier. I know that if I stumble, you all will be there to help pick me up. I love you all.

The Bro code Article #59

A Bro will always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of Province or, like, crazy expensive.

Dustin

I have no title

So I can't think of a title today. Probably because I am unsure what to write about this week. I know I missed last week. Nothing really happened that week. I dropped like a stone from the high I had from performing and that's about it. I still feel very proud of myself but the high is gone.

It's OK though. Because now I am planning my next performance and the songs I will do. I have a couple in mind. One song though, I need a 2 drag queens to help me out. That might be hard to find in the Fort that is John. I will tell you more when it starts to come together.

This past week, Melvin and I travelled to Edmonton for work.

Yes. Actual work.

It was a training course for the monitors I work on everyday. Of course Melvin was along for the ride. We had to travel with "supervisor" I can't stand. For some reason, he figured I had to spend all my free time with him.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

I made plans to see my Aunt and Uncle (Hi Auntie E and Uncle E!). Plus, I would have killed him if I had to spend that much time with him. So I avoided him whenever possible. Even though he had the company credit card, I avoided him.

The course was interesting. I managed to learn a couple of things so that is always a good thing. Day one was cut a little short due to a huge snow storm that almost shut the city down. Crazy amount of snow fell in one day. Day 2 was also cut short. It had quit snowing but the roads were terrible and there were people who had to drive hours to get home.

Melvin made an appearance the second day. He generally behaved himself though he did manage to create a few problems.

Here. Take a look.

I tried telling him you couldn't get high from the test gas but his buddy, Smarty Pantaloons, talked him into trying.

For the record Smarty, you CAN NOT get high from the stuff.

Melvin also met some great people like Natasha, Paul and Al.

Awesome folks.

Even the housekeepers at the hotel fell under Melvin's spell. He got himself tucked back into bed. I don't know how he manges to charm everyone.

It was so awesome to see my Aunt and Uncle. It had been over a year and I had missed them. My uncle is a great hugger. They had watched the video of Oliver's debut and loved it! Nothing was mentioned of my name change or this blog. I directed my aunt to check it out. I hope she does.

Sometimes I wish I could gather all my family in one room and talk to them about what is going on with me. Then all questions can be asked. All the answers can be given. any false ideas or rumours can be dispelled and I will know who supports me and who doesn't. But I don't think that will ever happen. All I can hope for is that they will contact me and ask the questions they want answers to. I will answer those questions. And I won't sugar coat it. Because that is not who I am. This is my life to live. It does not involve making things easier for you. It is to make things easier for me. If  the way I live my life makes you uncomfortable, that is your problem. Not mine.

Does that sound harsh? Too bad. Get over it. I have spent my whole life trying to fit into the box OTHERS thought I should fit into. I do not fit in a box. I fit in my skin. I feel I am finally at a point where I can say I am slightly happy with who I am. Yes. Only slightly. Because I am always growing and always questioning. The moment I say I am totally happy with me, is the day I stop trying to better myself. There are always things I am working on.

*Minor heart attack. I thought I had lost this entire post. I was about to throw the computer across the room. *

I have been writing this blog now for over a year. The other night, I was reading some old posts. I have grown in so many ways. But it also made me realize that I have more to do. This blog was started as a way to organize my thoughts and to help work towards my goal of becoming Oliver. Well, I did that. Now I feel this blog is to help me become Dustin. Whether that is a trans man or a butch lesbian. Whatever it turns out to be, I will be the gentleman I was raised to be. The man my dad taught me to be whether he realizes it or not.

Bro code Article # 102

A Bro shall take care in selecting and training his wing man.

( I am currently taking applications)

Dustin