Yes. Revelations.
I was reminded recently how precious life can be.
My "scuzzin" was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has opted for surgery and chemo. I truly believe she will beat it because she is a true fighter. That woman went through a tragic accident where she lost her beautiful girls and still manages to find some joy in everyday. She is truly one of my heroes. I love ya Scuz!
My revelation wasn't about life. And how you should enjoy each day. My revelation was that regardless of the path I am on right now and where I plan on ending up, I still have breasts. I still need to look after them. I really want them gone but not because of cancer. If there was some way I could donate them to my scuz, I would.
I tend to ignore my body between my neck and waist. I have these lumps that are a glaring reminder of something I don't want to have and someone I don't want to be. But because they are still there, and because I was scared to death, I went to the doctor and had a breast exam.
I have a hard enough time being outside my comfort zone without my binder on and here I was letting my doctor feel me up. I just kept thinking about Scuz. I needed to do this for her. I needed to do this for me. I needed to know these unwanted lumps of fat and skin weren't going to kill me.
They aren't. The breast exam was fine. I still have to go for a mammogram. (Yes Tasha. I know. You have told me for years to go.) But unless it shows something, I am lump free. He gave me advice on what to look for in the way of suspicious skin or sores. Advice on how to do a self exam. And until I have surgery, I have to look after these things.
Now, I know some women might be upset about me talking about my breasts this way. But you must realize that they are the biggest reminder of someone I don't want to be. Don't get me wrong. I love breasts. On another woman. Not on me. They don't fit the image I have of myself in my head. And I am really looking forward to getting rid of them.
Another revelations I had was my voice. It has gotten deeper. I can feel it in my vocal chords. It's like losing your voice and trying to talk anyway. I can feel then straining. And I have had people mention I sound different. I sound different to myself too. I kinda like it. I think I sound sexier. I have been getting called "Sir" on the phone too. Gives me a thrill when I hear it.
I need to speak with the folks at work. And ask them to refer to me as "he". I haven't really pushed it before now. But being called "she" makes me cringe now. I will talk to everyone on a one to one basis. I think it make it a little easier.
I was recently in Edmonton for yet another doctor's appointment. I was seeing an endocrinologist. I was asked all sorts of medical questions and had some basic tests done. I was able to sit and talk to the nurses and the doctor. He reviewed my blood work and was impressed with how my numbers were for my cholesterol and my sugars. I am surprisingly healthy. We talked about testosterone and it's affects. I felt very reassured with my conversation with him. He increased my dose from 50 mg every two weeks to 100 mg every week. I have to tell you, it feels great! I am starting to feel normal in my skin. Finally! The changes are going to start happening quicker now. That makes me happy.
As for surgery, after doing a lot of research and e mailing a lot of doctors, it appears the easiest way to have top surgery is to through MSP. It may take a little longer, but then everything is covered. I only have to do 1 year of real life experience.. I am already officially 5 to 6 months into my one year. So that means in a few months, I can talk to my doctor about starting the process for surgery. There will be more psychiatrist appointments. There will be letters written. It will be a long process. But I am willing to go through it. I have to go through it. I can only hope that it moves quickly.
I think that is about it for now. I am sure there will be more later. I should really start writing down stuff I want to write about.
The Bro Code Article # 69 : Duh
Dustin
Tattoo
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Got a few things on my mind.
First off, Mothers Day.
Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful mom. I have no idea how I would have made to now without her. I love her so much and with all my heart. She is my hero.
No. It has no always been easy. The last few months have been a great example of that. Some would think I broke my mother's heart with my decision to transition. But I think it would have broken her heart more to lose me to the deep depression I was headed for. Because who know where that would have taken me. I was headed for a dark place. I had to tell my parents. I had to tell them what was going on with me. Simply because they are a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was to hid what I was doing from them, then to show up looking totally different.
I have been watching videos and reading articles about trans men And how they grew up and the feelings they had. It sounds so familiar. I felt the same thing. I thought the same thing. I sent a video to Mom. I hope she watches it. And it helps her understand that this is something I have to do. That the feelings I have are nothing new and I am not the only who feels this way. And it also showed his Mom coming to terms with it. All I can do is hope it helps her. That it helps her accept me a little more.
Another thing on my mind.
The discrimination I feel from some members of the LGBT community. Not any of my friends. Those people of been more the accepting and understanding and very very supportive. I am talking about some "family" I have met since. The looks, the questions, the exclusion I feel. From the butch lesbians, it is like "How dare you desert us?!?" And from the femmes out there, it more of "Another one bites the dust.". I didn't realize that the gay world was just as closed minded as the straight world. And I feel very disappointed about it. Heart broken really. I spent most of my life being discriminated against because I was a tom boy growing up. "Why can't you be more like a girl?" Then coming out as a lesbian, "Why can't you be straight?" and, "Why would you chose to be gay?" Now as a trans gender man, and being a straight man at that, I feel that the struggle to fit in and belong to a community is starting all over again. I feel like an outsider in the community that is supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance. LGBT does stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual AND Transgender.
It makes me wonder if I will ever find my place. Find my community. Or will I always be looking and searching for the acceptance I am desperately seeking? I don't announce myself to new people as trans gender. I just introduce myself as Dustin. Since that is my name after all. I see the looks I get from people. I "see"the questions. The standoffishness. (Is that a word?) Of course, it doesn't help that some at my place of employment, say "she" with obvious emphasis. Just to make sure the confusion goes deeper. I think I have to insist on being called "he". I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me that much but it does. I can live with being called my old name. I am treating it more like a nick name at this point. Most people are doing pretty good with correcting themselves so it's good. I don't want to be an asshole about it all but I do want that level of respect that everyone deserves. I really feel that once I have surgery, the looks will change. Plus, I want to up my dose of testosterone. I need to see my doctor about it. In between my shots, I start feeling off. Like something is wrong. Almost like a PMS feeling. I feel angry and aggressive. I am ready to take the next step and up my treatments. I want, no. Need to take the next step.
I also have an opportunity to get a new job. I know I know. I love my job. But the new job pays way more money. It would still be Monday to Friday. 6 to 2:30. So an awesome shift. It would ease my mind about bills. And allow me to save more money towards surgery. The benefits are great. The people are pretty cool. I would get to work with my BFF again. I guess the only real problem would be asking my boss for a letter of reference for the potential new job. My boss has been so good to me. With dealing with my name change and my transition. As we are all aware, the only one I have really ever had a problem with is the douche. I admit, I won't miss him at all. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point.
It has taken me all day to write this post. I keep getting distracted by Facebook, T.V and sick cats. Bean and Fidget are sick. They are on the mend now. Thank goodness. We went to the doctor yesterday. He spouted a bunch of medical jargon I couldn't understand. They got some fluid under the skin to help with dehydration. And I was prescribed pills to give them. Problem is, the pills make the cats throw up. It s very hard to keep them hydrated if they are throwing up twice a day. So no more pills. I have a bowl of water outside of Bean's new little house (Thank you Auntie Tasha! ) and a bowl of high calorie dry food as well. She will eat when she feels like it and drink as well. Holding her down and forcing water down her throat is stressing her out more then being sick right now. The girls did get a steam bath today to help with congestion. Bean even sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I think she will be OK.
The doctor also gave me hell for Fidget's weight. Not sure what else I can do. She is already on diet food. And I moved to a place with stairs so she would have to go up and down. It is not my fault she is lazy. Same with Bean. She has always been a tiny little thing. Granted. She is too skinny right now. But even when she is healthy, she is a light eater. I can't force feed her. She is not a big fan of wet food on good days. So. all I can do is try and maintain a good balance between my skinny Bean and my tumba wumba Fidget. Wish me luck.
The Bro Code Article # 23
When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.
Dustin
Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful mom. I have no idea how I would have made to now without her. I love her so much and with all my heart. She is my hero.
No. It has no always been easy. The last few months have been a great example of that. Some would think I broke my mother's heart with my decision to transition. But I think it would have broken her heart more to lose me to the deep depression I was headed for. Because who know where that would have taken me. I was headed for a dark place. I had to tell my parents. I had to tell them what was going on with me. Simply because they are a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was to hid what I was doing from them, then to show up looking totally different.
I have been watching videos and reading articles about trans men And how they grew up and the feelings they had. It sounds so familiar. I felt the same thing. I thought the same thing. I sent a video to Mom. I hope she watches it. And it helps her understand that this is something I have to do. That the feelings I have are nothing new and I am not the only who feels this way. And it also showed his Mom coming to terms with it. All I can do is hope it helps her. That it helps her accept me a little more.
Another thing on my mind.
The discrimination I feel from some members of the LGBT community. Not any of my friends. Those people of been more the accepting and understanding and very very supportive. I am talking about some "family" I have met since. The looks, the questions, the exclusion I feel. From the butch lesbians, it is like "How dare you desert us?!?" And from the femmes out there, it more of "Another one bites the dust.". I didn't realize that the gay world was just as closed minded as the straight world. And I feel very disappointed about it. Heart broken really. I spent most of my life being discriminated against because I was a tom boy growing up. "Why can't you be more like a girl?" Then coming out as a lesbian, "Why can't you be straight?" and, "Why would you chose to be gay?" Now as a trans gender man, and being a straight man at that, I feel that the struggle to fit in and belong to a community is starting all over again. I feel like an outsider in the community that is supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance. LGBT does stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual AND Transgender.
It makes me wonder if I will ever find my place. Find my community. Or will I always be looking and searching for the acceptance I am desperately seeking? I don't announce myself to new people as trans gender. I just introduce myself as Dustin. Since that is my name after all. I see the looks I get from people. I "see"the questions. The standoffishness. (Is that a word?) Of course, it doesn't help that some at my place of employment, say "she" with obvious emphasis. Just to make sure the confusion goes deeper. I think I have to insist on being called "he". I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me that much but it does. I can live with being called my old name. I am treating it more like a nick name at this point. Most people are doing pretty good with correcting themselves so it's good. I don't want to be an asshole about it all but I do want that level of respect that everyone deserves. I really feel that once I have surgery, the looks will change. Plus, I want to up my dose of testosterone. I need to see my doctor about it. In between my shots, I start feeling off. Like something is wrong. Almost like a PMS feeling. I feel angry and aggressive. I am ready to take the next step and up my treatments. I want, no. Need to take the next step.
I also have an opportunity to get a new job. I know I know. I love my job. But the new job pays way more money. It would still be Monday to Friday. 6 to 2:30. So an awesome shift. It would ease my mind about bills. And allow me to save more money towards surgery. The benefits are great. The people are pretty cool. I would get to work with my BFF again. I guess the only real problem would be asking my boss for a letter of reference for the potential new job. My boss has been so good to me. With dealing with my name change and my transition. As we are all aware, the only one I have really ever had a problem with is the douche. I admit, I won't miss him at all. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point.
It has taken me all day to write this post. I keep getting distracted by Facebook, T.V and sick cats. Bean and Fidget are sick. They are on the mend now. Thank goodness. We went to the doctor yesterday. He spouted a bunch of medical jargon I couldn't understand. They got some fluid under the skin to help with dehydration. And I was prescribed pills to give them. Problem is, the pills make the cats throw up. It s very hard to keep them hydrated if they are throwing up twice a day. So no more pills. I have a bowl of water outside of Bean's new little house (Thank you Auntie Tasha! ) and a bowl of high calorie dry food as well. She will eat when she feels like it and drink as well. Holding her down and forcing water down her throat is stressing her out more then being sick right now. The girls did get a steam bath today to help with congestion. Bean even sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I think she will be OK.
The doctor also gave me hell for Fidget's weight. Not sure what else I can do. She is already on diet food. And I moved to a place with stairs so she would have to go up and down. It is not my fault she is lazy. Same with Bean. She has always been a tiny little thing. Granted. She is too skinny right now. But even when she is healthy, she is a light eater. I can't force feed her. She is not a big fan of wet food on good days. So. all I can do is try and maintain a good balance between my skinny Bean and my tumba wumba Fidget. Wish me luck.
The Bro Code Article # 23
When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.
Dustin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)