Cold winter days

The poor dog is getting so bored. It has been close to -40 with the wind chill this past week. We go for our walks everyday but she wants to play. It's just too cold for both of us. She holds up different paws after just a few minutes outside. We played fetch in the house last night just to break the boredom. It is supposed to warm up a bit next week so we will be back playing in the snow soon.

It's been a couple of weeks now that Abby has come to stay with me. We are slowly adjusting to each other. I find that I am sleeping better most nights. I am liking the company she provides. I mean, the cats are great but there is something about a dog. She follows me everywhere in the apartment. Sleeps beside my bed at night. Snuggles on the sofa with me. I love her smile and tail wags when I get home from work. It is magical.

I have to call my doctor next week. I need to make sure he put in my referrals. I have to keep this journey moving forward. I can hardly wait to get going on the next stage. I really want surgery. I really need surgery. I am finding it almost intolerable to see what I see everyday. It's uncomfortable. It's hot. It's itchy. It's stressful. Every time I leave the house, I am always aware of how I look to others. I know it doesn't mean anything but in my mind it does. Do I look like a man? Or just a butch dyke? Can they tell I have boobs? Are they flat enough? Do I need another layer? It is a constant drain on my mind and emotions. I know I still have a while to wait before anything moves forward. I can only hope it goes as quickly as my one year RLE did.

There was a bit of a breakthrough this past week too.

I bought a couple pairs of pants for my Mom and sent them to her. Turns out they were way too big. She called me at work to tell me about it and to say she was shipping them back. Now the breakthrough comes from the fact she asked for me by saying Dustin. And in the course of our conversation, she referred to me as "he".

Do you know how huge that is for her? It is showing a level of acceptance that I never thought I would have from my Mom. Her initial reaction to me transitioning was so negative. So to have her say my name and call me by my gender in just over a year since I told her is amazing. I am so very proud of her. I know how hard this is on her. I know she worries about me a lot. But I think she has realized that most of the family is supportive and understanding. And now that the other one and I are talking, it makes it easier for Mom as well. She knows that no one is judging her. Or judging me. They are just loving both of us.

It is another short one this week. I just wanted to share my happiness with you. And to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Whether you comment or not, it is so wonderful for me to see people reading it. Thank you for the love and support. It means so very much to me.

I found my Bro codes so here it goes.....

Bro Code Article # 12

Bros do not share dessert.

Dustin

Life in a nutshell

So many things going on.

First off, my one year of Real life experience was on the 21st. I went to my doctor before that and got things rolling for all my referrals. He also dropped my testosterone dose a little bit. Apparently I am at the upper level so it is time to dial back a little. Instead of 100 mg every week, I am down to 75 mg. So far so good. I am not noticing any changes. But then, it has only been a couple of weeks.

I shaved my face for the first time too. Not that I had that much facial hair but my " Billy goat gruff" whiskers under my chin were getting out of control. And the side burn on the left side was looking a little scraggly. So I shaved. I have whiskers growing again. Slowly but they are there. My face was itchy afterwards. I did use after shave balm. It felt weird having a smooth face again. I kept trying to play with whiskers that weren't there. I am hoping they will come in thicker and darker.

There was some good news in the family as well. My nephew, Booger and his wife are having twins in July. That will make 5 kids for them. Good thing they are young and energetic. HAHA!
There is some not so good news as well. But I don't have permission to discuss it here so I won't. I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I am now fostering a dog for a friend. Abby. She is a German Sheppard. 9 years old but plays like she is a puppy. Loves the snow. It has been a big adjustment for me. I have to get up earlier to feed her and take her for a walk. Then another walk at lunch time. When I get home from work and then before bedtime. Also some play time in there as well. Thank goodness I live close to a school yard. Lots of space to throw the ball for her. She is not used to having to pee and poop while on a leash but she is getting used to it. She walks on the leash really well but isn't very traffic smart. So we are working on that. And she is nervous around people she doesn't know. Otherwise, she is very calm and quiet. So very smart. Even the cats are getting used to her. Fidget is in love with Abby. Monty is trying to figure out how to play with Abby. And Bean isn't hissing anymore and will be in the same room with the dog now. I guess that is all I can ask for.

Now onto a few personal things.

I seem to be going through something I can't put words too. I don't want to be touched. My skin feels weird. I am so uncomfortable in my body right now. I have no sex drive. I am feeling the need to hide away when I am not at work. Which is why Abby is so good for me right now. She won't let me hid away.
Anyway, my mood hasn't been the greatest. I am pushing people away. Reverting into myself. Which really isn't new. I do tend to do this once in a while but it seems amplified this time. Maybe because of my transition. Maybe because of other things. I don't know. I just know I feel scared and weird in my skin. I am trying to deal with it as much as I can. Trying to find words to describe what I am going through is hard. I just know that I have to keep fighting for myself. Everyday is a new day. And everyday I look for something good and happy. I have too. Because if I don't, I really will lose my mind.

I seem to have missed placed my Bro codes. So I will leave you with this little nugget instead.

Rah Rah Rasputin. Lover of the Russian queen.

Dustin