Sunday, May 27, 2012

It's coming! It's coming!

It's almost holiday time. I thought the time would never get here but now it is only a week away.

A week!!


So excited! I am pretty much packed.  I have to throw a few pairs of jeans in but they are in the dryer right now. I re fill my meds on Tuesday and I am getting my hair done on Tuesday as well.  I have my house sitter lined up so life is good!!

Oh and Melvin is going with me as well. He will be riding in my carry on bag with me. Better photo ops that way.

As the next day dawns.......

OK. So it's not dawn. More like early afternoon. I couldn't get motivated to write yesterday. Today seems like the juices are flowing so here we go.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Very quiet at work. So I have done some more cleaning and re arranging. My work space is now looking more and more the way I want it to. As it should be. It is my work space after all.

I did get yelled at this past week. Not because of anything I did directly. See, we have this program at work that tracks the monitors that come in. Everytime a monitor comes in, I fill out this report with sensor information and what type of gas I tested it with. And everytime I have to change the bottle because I have emptied it, I was supposed to change the lot number and expiry date on the report. Well, my "supervisor" never mentioned it to me. So I never changed it. And apparently he didn't mention it to the last person who did my job. Because nothing had been changed for almost 2 years. So, he got yelled at then I got yelled at. I don't like getting yelled at. The problem was solved and now I make sure I double check everything. The boss apologized to me a little later for losing his cool. He realized that there was a gap in my training and who's fault that was. My "supervisor" on the other hand, didn't say anything to me about it. He could have at least said "Sorry. My bad." or "Kiss my ass" but to say nothing? Nothing. For getting me yelled at. Needless to say, any respect I had for the guy is out the window.

I had another appointment with Dr.J this week as well. It did not go well. I really don't like her.  I know her job is to ask me questions to make me think about things. But to ask me the same thing over and over again and to expect a differnet answer? I wonder about that. I can only answer what I know and what I have thought about. I almost feel like I am doing more and better thearpy on my own, writing this blog, then with her.

The question of my transitioning came up again. That was my bad. I was trying not to. Anyway, when I told her that I was questioning my decision about it and why, she almost seemed to dimiss my concerns. In fact, she did dimiss them. She is right that she is not a gender expert, but to shrug off my concerns about injections and surgery? That's not right. At first she discouraged my thoughts on transitioning and now she is discourging my thoughts not to transition. I explained to her that I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. And now that I have the binders I want, my mind and body are starting to match. So maybe going on testosterone and eventually, surgery, is not something I NEED to do. Maybe transitioning was more of a WANT then a NEED.  I am worried about how testosterone with affect me. Beisdes the obvious physical changes. I have heard stories about people having anger issues while on T. I already have anger issues. I certainly don't want anymore. And other side effects. And surgery. I know that would be a long ways in the future but to put my body through that? I am not sure about that. I still want to be called Dustin. It fits. It suits me I think. It means "brave warrior".

That's what I feel like sometimes. A brave warrior. It reminds me off a charactor I developed years ago when I belonged to a fan fiction writing group. It was based on Xena:Warrior Princess. Now, don't laugh. These were some of the most talented writers I have ever seen. I learned a lot from those people and felt a part of something special. They encouraged me to write. You could write as a person from the show or create your own. I decided to create my own. Her name was Toxaris. She was an amazon with a shady past. She was awesome. I loved her. I still do. I also started writing as Joxer. He was the comedic relief on the show. I had a blast writng "Tox and Jox" adventures. I worked out a lot of personal things writing in that group.  Toxaris allowed a lot of my anger to come out. She mirrored the lonliness I felt in real life. The hopelessness I was feeling, being in the relationship I was in at the time. She did also enjoy the start of a new life when I finally got out of that relationship. But as time went on, she faded into the dark. I think of her fondly. But I can't write her anymore. My life seems to have moved on from what she had to teach me. I thank her for her strength and insight into myself at a time when I really needed it.  Maybe one day she will be back. Bigger and better and more fierce then before.

You got your secrets, you got secrets.
Well I'll tell ya anything you wanna know


  1. We are all getting shaves and haircuts on saturday before the wedding too, so keep that in mind.