Well. I guess that's that. Turns out Miss "W" and I want completely different things. She wants a boi toy. I want a relationship. I clearly remember telling her that on our first date. I was expecting a relationship after our 90 days of "getting to know each other". I'm not sure what she was expecting at the end of it. She wanted to be exclusive in dating. Fine. She wanted to wait for 90 days. Fine. That sounds a lot like a relationship to me. Doesn't it?
I guess there are more fish in the sea. Or lobsters. I want a lobster. I know it can happen. It has happened to 2 friends of mine so I know it can. I just have to be patient. Good thing I like fishing. :)
My friend, "H" gave me a couple of great presents today. She gave me a calender full of pictures of trans men. So beautiful and inspiring. And she gave me a book on drag kings. She is so awesome! She always manages to find cool things like that for her friends. I am lucky to have her as my friend. Hugs "H"!
I am still loving my new job. Everyday I learn something new and everyday I am busy doing something. We got paid yesterday. I am getting paid more then they first told me so that made me very happy. Finally I can feel less stressed about money. I can have more of a social life. Especially now, a social life seems important to me. Trying to transition and all. I will be able to afford trips to Prince George, even to Edmonton maybe. I will be able to afford the things I need to make me feel more comfortable in my body. That makes me happy.
Ok. I don't get it. What is this "just want to have a good time" shit all about? Are you really that insecure that you have to be in charge of everything? Dictating how and when we will see each other? I don't get it. Maybe I am old fashioned or something but I think everything should be 50/50. I am glad that we figured out this issue before we went any further. I don't want to just be a play date for someone. Been there. Done that. Don't want to go through it again. I thought she heard me when I told her that. Maybe she chose not to hear me. I don't know. Sorry for jumping back into the Miss"W" thing with no warning. But really, it bothers me. I try to be honest and open. And I try to be heard, but somehow, I always seem to get bit in the ass. What the hell is it about me? I know I have to pick better women. I thought being with someone older would help with that. I guess not. Games are played no matter what age. Do I exude some sort of scent that draws unstable women to me? Not all have been unstable. But a few have been. I just can't figure it out.
Women. Sheesh!
"I'm not here for you're entertainment."
Tattoo
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Hi. It's me again.
So. Sunday afternoon. I managed to sleep half the day away. It felt glorious!! God I love sleeping. Maybe because I didn't do it for so many years. Before I was on sleeping pills, I can't remember the last time I had a great night's sleep. I was lucky if I slept for 4 hours without waking up. Then trying to fall back to sleep for 30 mins. Before waking up again in 2 hours. Made for a very restless night. Even now, I sleep for 5 hours at a time before waking up. But I fall back to sleep quicker. And I do into a deeper, more restorative sleep.
Enough my sleeping patterns. As fascinating as it is,,let's move onto other topics.
I start my new job tomorrow morning. I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I think it will be a good match for me. I will work around people but will still be mostly on my own. I like that. I will be learning new skills and taking on new challenges. That's the exciting part. More money will be awesome as well. WOW! I might be able to have a social life again. Go to the movies. Take my girl on a dinner date.
Ahhhh yes. My girl. It's been a while since I have been able to say that. But that's how I think of her now. Amazing how that works. The more we talk, the more connected I feel. Making me wait for 90 days is paying off. Getting to know each other first is the biggest turn on ever. Really it is. I guess I am finally becoming a grown up and realizing sex isn't everything. It's a big part of it but you had better be able to talk to your partner afterwards. Be able to sit at the dinner table and talk about the day's issues. If there is no mind connection, then the sex runs out quickly as well. Miss "W" and I seem to have lots to talk about. I think it's because we are around the same age (Again, I am not telling you. Stop asking!!). We've been through our own hell and survived. It has given us our own unique outlook on life and how we want to live it. She makes me smile everyday. What more can I ask for?
I called my folks yesterday. Had a great chat with them. I sure do miss them. I would love just to be able to pop over for a coffee. Or to be able to help my dad out. He needs to put running boards on his truck. There is nothing like helping him out in the garage. It is our bonding time. We talk about so many things and he teaches me so much. About building things, fixing things and about being a man. The kind of man I would like to be. Whether I transition or not hasn't been decided yet. But I still want to be a good man. A strong, open minded, courteous, caring man. I love my parents so much. I try not to worry them. And I don't think I do. Not like my sisters do. I know that for a fact. Maybe it's because I try to be positive about everyday and everything. There is a bright spot in everyday. Sometimes you have to find it, but it's there. I discovered I was no longer happy at my previous job so I found a new one. I try and eat right and exercise (Stop laughing! I do so!) so I have very few health issues. I have wonderful, supportive friends (Thank you Tasha and Myrna and everyone else! Love ya!) I met a wonderful woman is supportive of the changes I am making. Really. Life is really good right now. So why call my folks and bitch about things I can't change? I'm a grown up. I can look after myself and all I need from my parents is their love. I don't need Mommy and Daddy to look after me anymore. I think my sisters have forgotten about that part. Whether it is asking Mom and Dad for money, or continually bitching about aches, pains, jobs etc, we were taught to stand on our own feet. And I have done that since I graduated from high school. Yes. They have helped me out once in a while but they taught me to pull myself from my boot straps and move on. Life lasts a long time. so you better learn how to roll with the punches and how stand up when you fall.
Wow. I had a lot to say today. Thanks for listening.
"Pretty pretty please! Don't you ever ever feel like you're less then f**kin perfect!"
Oliver
Enough my sleeping patterns. As fascinating as it is,,let's move onto other topics.
I start my new job tomorrow morning. I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I think it will be a good match for me. I will work around people but will still be mostly on my own. I like that. I will be learning new skills and taking on new challenges. That's the exciting part. More money will be awesome as well. WOW! I might be able to have a social life again. Go to the movies. Take my girl on a dinner date.
Ahhhh yes. My girl. It's been a while since I have been able to say that. But that's how I think of her now. Amazing how that works. The more we talk, the more connected I feel. Making me wait for 90 days is paying off. Getting to know each other first is the biggest turn on ever. Really it is. I guess I am finally becoming a grown up and realizing sex isn't everything. It's a big part of it but you had better be able to talk to your partner afterwards. Be able to sit at the dinner table and talk about the day's issues. If there is no mind connection, then the sex runs out quickly as well. Miss "W" and I seem to have lots to talk about. I think it's because we are around the same age (Again, I am not telling you. Stop asking!!). We've been through our own hell and survived. It has given us our own unique outlook on life and how we want to live it. She makes me smile everyday. What more can I ask for?
I called my folks yesterday. Had a great chat with them. I sure do miss them. I would love just to be able to pop over for a coffee. Or to be able to help my dad out. He needs to put running boards on his truck. There is nothing like helping him out in the garage. It is our bonding time. We talk about so many things and he teaches me so much. About building things, fixing things and about being a man. The kind of man I would like to be. Whether I transition or not hasn't been decided yet. But I still want to be a good man. A strong, open minded, courteous, caring man. I love my parents so much. I try not to worry them. And I don't think I do. Not like my sisters do. I know that for a fact. Maybe it's because I try to be positive about everyday and everything. There is a bright spot in everyday. Sometimes you have to find it, but it's there. I discovered I was no longer happy at my previous job so I found a new one. I try and eat right and exercise (Stop laughing! I do so!) so I have very few health issues. I have wonderful, supportive friends (Thank you Tasha and Myrna and everyone else! Love ya!) I met a wonderful woman is supportive of the changes I am making. Really. Life is really good right now. So why call my folks and bitch about things I can't change? I'm a grown up. I can look after myself and all I need from my parents is their love. I don't need Mommy and Daddy to look after me anymore. I think my sisters have forgotten about that part. Whether it is asking Mom and Dad for money, or continually bitching about aches, pains, jobs etc, we were taught to stand on our own feet. And I have done that since I graduated from high school. Yes. They have helped me out once in a while but they taught me to pull myself from my boot straps and move on. Life lasts a long time. so you better learn how to roll with the punches and how stand up when you fall.
Wow. I had a lot to say today. Thanks for listening.
"Pretty pretty please! Don't you ever ever feel like you're less then f**kin perfect!"
Oliver
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