Dreams

Hang on. Let me re fill my coffee cup.......

Ahhh. That's better. MMM I love coffee. Good coffee. Not the crappy stuff you get at Starbucks. That tastes like sewer water. The best coffee I have ever tasted is at a cafe in Dawson Creek called Cafe Europa. OMG It's good!!

Why did you let me get off on a coffee tangent? You should really not let me do that.

So dreams. I have had some funky ones this week. Dreams of building something with steel girders. Dreams of meeting my lobster. Dreams of what my lobster looks like. (If you are wondering what I mean by "lobster", think back to Friends. Lobster means soul mate.) Dreams of my friends wedding next summer when I get to dress in a suit and be a groomsman.  There have also been angry dreams. I dream of hitting someone, knocking this person down and then beating the crap out of him/her. This person doesn't have a face or gender. It's more like a faceless, genderless shadow. That doesn't scare me. What scares me is the emotion behind it. The intensity of the anger. And the joy I feel from beating the living s**t out of this person.

I have always felt anger. I can remember being very angry as a child. I used to get into fights with my sisters all the time. Punching them. Kicking them. I even remember getting into a fight with my best friend over a football game.  It was scary how angry I got. I was angry all through my teenage years as well. It was a hellish way to spend my days and nights. I am actually very surprised I never fell into drugs or alcohol. I guess I went into myself instead. Which can be as dangerous. Living with depression and anxiety that went undiagnosed for years and years. I am very glad I am getting the help I need now.

But I still want to know where this anger is coming from. I am tired of being angry all the time. It makes me isolate myself. I hate that. I get lonely. I will never meet my lobster if I keep that up. But I also know that the changes I am making in my life right now makes it hard to meet someone. I am putting a lot of my attention on me. Learning how to be more comfortable in my body. And with who I want to become.

And I have this friend(really! I do!) who has become my inspiration for the man I want to be. He is strong, hardworking, loving, funny, sweet, emotional. He is always there for me with words of encouragement for what I am trying to do. I find myself standing like him, and walking like him. He walks with such confidence. I have noticed that a lot of women walk with their heads down and shoulders down. Not sure why that is. So I make the effort to walk with my my head up, shoulders up and with confidence. It seems to have improved my attidude a lot. I feel stronger. Still angry but stronger.

I never used to dream this much. Or at least, I never remembered my dreams. But since I have been on my meds, I am sleeping better and dreaming more. Not just angry dreams but just dreaming in gemeral. Vivid dreams. I really should put a book beside my bed to record them when I wake up. I don't really want to know what they mean. That might be too much information for me. I just want to be able to shake my head at the things my head comes up with while I sleep.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Keep dreaming.