Wow. Two in one day.

Don't get your panties in a wad. There are more things going through my mind I need to get off my chest.

I watched a TV program this evening on transgender kids. I think the youngest was 8. A biological male but living as a girl. She was diagnosed with "Gender Dysphoria"  There were other kids as well. As I watched and listened to the interviews, I kept thinking "That was me. That's how I felt." One girl would throw a temper tantrum at the age of 4 or 5 when she had to wear a dress. I was doing that at 2 or 3.  As soon as I could say "No. Pants."  I know I was never comfortable in a dress. Ever. It felt completely un natural to me. I can remember being very young and wanting a penis. Asking when would I get mine. Wanting to be a boy.

I can remember not being brave enough to really be who I wanted to be. Ever.  Of course, things were very different 30 or 40 years ago. Being gay or transgendered was not as accepted as it is today. Maybe that's why I have now decided to be who I feel I was always meant to be. Those kids on the program were and are so brave. The older ones are taking hormone blockers to stop puberty. When they hit a certain age, they will have to go on testosterone or estrogen. And have to be on these drugs for life.  One young man was asking if there was anyway to store his eggs until he was older and married so he could have a biological child of his own. This question came from a 12 year old. How mature is that? Really? They also talked to a man who was 49 when he went on testosterone. I thought that was pretty brave as well. He had top surgery and began life over again. *Sigh* Wouldn't that be nice?

I haven't done any research into Gender Dysphoria yet but I think tonight I will. I want to know more about it. I don't know if that is what I have. And I want to know more about testosterone. About side effects. I figure these are things I need to know. And I want to try and be as informed as possible when I next see my shrink. Even though I am not sure how I feel about her yet. But I will get into that more later. I need to know what I am getting myself into. What medical side effects I might suffer. So far, I have suffered very few, if any, side effects from the drugs I am on now. Besides feeling a bit more settled in my emotions. Of course, the anger and confusion is still there but I am hoping that when I take the next step in my transition, and thing are jiving a bit more between my mind and body, those feelings will fade. Then MY real life can start.

OK. Onto my shrink.

I have only seen her 3 times. Mainly because she is booked solid and can sometimes take months to get in to see her. I think she is the only one in Fort St.John. I am not getting a good vibe from her.  I don't seem to be getting much feed back from her. I realize it's only been 3 appointments. I'm not expecting a miracle. But some sort of return would be nice. I'm not sure what she will say or ask when I tell her about my path. I have contemplated seeing if I can change to someone else. Though I might have to drive to Dawson Creek. And I am OK with that. Since I am not feeling the trust with the one I have now. And at this point, I have to do what is best for me. What makes me happy. And I am willing to do almost anything to get it.

I really need to talk to my parents about this. I might have to make a flying trip on a long weekend and explain what and why I am doing this. There's a conversation that scares the living hell out of me. I am really not sure how that will go. I can only hope for the best I guess.

I think the hardest will be convincing my nieces and nephews that I am their uncle. LOL! I have already been told that I will forever be Auntie. I might have to get them to start calling me by my chosen name. And I think it will be Dustin Tanner. Why you ask? Well, the name Dustin came to me in a dream and has stuck in my head ever since. And I'm really feeling the name you know? Like it suits me. And Tanner is for a baby cousin of mine that died of SIDS a long time ago. I think the two names sound good together. Kinda rolls off the tongue. And it is COMPLETELY different from my given name. Which I have never really liked anyway. It is not a name that I identified with. Ever. I hated it growing up. I used to beat up people that made fun of me because of my name.

And on that note, I am going to ask my loyal readers to call me Dustin from now on. For those of you who have forgotten, Oliver is my drag king name. Oliver Clothesoff. *Insert cheeky grin*

All summer long, you made me high when I was down.

Dustin