I'm sorry.

I know. It's been two weeks. But last weekend I went to visit my bff "M". I needed a break out of town. Besides, I love it there. I feel comfortable enough to nap on the couch and get sick. LOL The cold I had been fighting caught up with me while I was there.  But it was awesome to just to be there. "M " is one of my most favourite people in the world. Along with her beautiful girlfriend "E" and of course, the furry one, "W".

Anyway, it was a great weekend.

I have been struggling for two days to organize my thoughts for this blog. I don't know why I am having such a hard time setting my thoughts down. Since I have started this blog, the thoughts have flowed out of me.

Not this time. It feels like pulling teeth. (Not really but you know what I mean.)

I think a lot of what I am feeling is fear. Fear of talking to my doctor at my appointment this coming week and having him push me off because he doesn't understand or doesn't agree with what I think I need. He's been a pretty good doctor so far but this. This is life changing for me.  I don't want to wait to see someone else. I can't wait to see someone else. I have waited my entire life for this.

I am also not looking forward to talking to my psychiatrist about this either. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am not getting a good vibe from her. I still want the help with my other issues. The anger etc. But I don't know if she is the one that can help me. I may have to change to someone else. Which sucks.

Sometimes I hate living here. There are such limited resources for people like me.  I don't want to move to Vancouver. Really. Can you imagine me in Vancouver? Never going to happen. Prince George maybe. What I am hoping is that I can keep seeing my doctor here and maybe make a quick trip to Prince George every couple of months for appointments.  From all the research I have done(Thanks "H" for the links! They really helped!), there is really no reason my doctor can't help me.  There a lot of on line resources for both of us.

I don't know what I am thinking. Maybe it is frustration.

There a few things I am trying to do all at once. I am trying to transition. I am trying to eat properly. I am trying to exercise regularly. I am trying to succeed at a new job.  A lot of things on my plate.  Maybe that is what the problem is. But really, one thing leads to another and helps them all. The root of all of it is confidence. 

I have this picture in my head of how I want to look by June when I go to Birdman and Mrs.Birdman's wedding.  I don't necessarily want to be thin, just in shape.(Not round. ) I want to fill out the shoulders of my suit nicely. All the better to pick up hot bridesmaids. Heh Heh Heh! And , the healthier I am, the less side affects I am likely to have from the testosterone. And the more in shape I am, the less visible my "girls" will be.  Testosterone will help with that as well. 

God I just want the journey to begin!!

Only three things worth dying for, that's girls and cars and the third world war.

Dustin