Sunday, December 30, 2012

Blog heard around the world. Well, not really.

Well, Christmas is over. WOO HOO! For those of you who know me, I am not a big fan of Christmas. Haven't been in years. I did have fun this year. I went to Tasha's and spent the night there. We got up in the morning, shared a coffee and some laughs while we waited for M to come over. We then opened presents and had brunch. I took my customary Christmas day nap. Then helped Tasha with dinner though I did get kicked out of the kitchen a lot. It was an awesome dinner. Tasha is such a great cook. Then after dinner, I came home and hung out with my fur babies.

It was a pretty good Christmas over all.

I told my parents about my plans. It did not go as I had hoped but wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I am just going to leave it at that. They have some adjusting to do and I do not want to make it worse for them by bringing it up here.

I am so excited to see the shrink next week. someone to talk to that can answer some questions for me and who might ask me questions I need to find the answers for. Does that make sense? I think he will make me think about things a lot. And that is what I want. I still want to go ahead with my decision. The sooner the better. And having someone who is a specialist will make things a little easier I think.

I have also made a new friend. Well. A couple of new friends.  One is a trans man I met through a mutual friend. He is awesome! Though, he is 20 years younger then I am, we still have lots in common. I think he will be a great friend and support for me. He has already answered a lot of the questions I had. And to be honest, it is just nice to have someone who understands what I am going through. Someone in my community, that I can call up if I am having a crisis and be an understanding shoulder to lean on. We are going watch shopping one day soon. I was told I need one. Maybe two.

I have also met a girl. I know! I am very excited about that too! She lives down south though. Which sucks. But we both have Skype and have been enjoying video chats as well as text messages and phone calls. I really like her. A lot. We have a lot in common and make each other laugh. Which is always a good thing. And, she is SMOKIN' hot! Oh my Dog! I love me a redhead for sure!

I thought I had a lot more to say. I guess i don't. I just wanted to get something out there so Birdman wouldn't eat me about the head and neck with a wet noodle. Because he likes doing things like that. He can be a dirty dirty guy sometimes. You need to check out his blog. It is the awesome. Go there. Read and comment. He would really like that.

Bro code # 82

If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to "take it back" or "apologize" to amends. That's inhuman.


Saturday, December 8, 2012

So spank me

All right. I know. Long wait in between posts. I guess I am just not that disciplined to write every week.

Lots of things going on. There was a trip to Prince George that didn't work out. The weather was just too bad. Oh well.

Work. Well. The douche and I had to have a meeting with the big boss. We both had our hands slapped for not respecting each other. I don't think it really helped. The douche has gotten worse. He HAS to be involved in anything I do. Even if the big boss has given me a specific job to do, douche has to be in there. Almost like he is trying to take credit for my work. Or like he is threatened by my work.

It is very frustrating.

But because I love my job, regardless of the douche, I will stick it out.

Also, my big boss is the BOMB!!

For those of you who are not on my Facebook friends list and may not know the great news, here it is.

A bit of background first.

 Over a year ago, I requested to go on testosterone to begin transitioning. I was referred to a psychiatrist in Edmonton. After my referral was sent, I contacted his office and was told it could be up to 6 months before they even looked at my paperwork and up to a year before I get an appointment. Needless to say, I was very discouraged. I started questioning myself and my decision to transition. Was it really something I wanted to do? Was it a WANT rather then a NEED? Do I really want to put my body through the trauma of shots and possibly surgery? At 44 years old, is it something I need to pursue? I admit, I had given up. I figured that I would build myself into a better butch and be happy with that.

Problem was, the want to be a man never left. I was having dreams of moustaches and sideburns. Dreams of a flat chest and fitting into my men's dress shirts properly. Dreams of a deeper voice and being called "he" and "sir" and have it be for real.

I never told anyone of these dreams. Because if I told anyone, maybe it wouldn't come true at all.  I had convinced myself that I didn't want it. And I convinced the people around me as well.

I am sorry about that. For not being more honest with you.

I went to my doctor last week. Not the same doctor I had before. That guy is gone for a year so I now see his replacement. Anyway, I talked to him about the night sweats I am having and the irregularity of my period. It was decided I am probably going through pre menopause. Loverly. He said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, we will look into hormone replacement. That is when I mentioned the testosterone. Why not put me on that instead of estrogen? So I will quit having my period. Woo! I am not having kids and my period is just a glaring reminder that I have parts I don't want.

Anyway, he called the psychiatrist in Edmonton to see the status of my referral. He was told that it could be 3 to 4 months before I will get a call for an appointment then maybe another 2 to 3 months before the actual appointment. I walked out feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. Like the dreams were really never going to come true.

I came home. Feeling depressed and frustrated. Then my phone rang.

It was the psychiatrist in Edmonton. Well. His receptionist. She said, "I just received a phone call about you today and then I came across your referral. I am booking for January and the people in front of you in the binder never answered. You are the only one. Does January 4 th at 11 AM work for you?"

I thought I was going to cry! I told her that of course I want that appointment! I would be crazy not to take the appointment!

Even now. 4 days later, I have butterflies in my stomach I am so excited! I realize he may just say no. But I think I will get my dream.  By this time next year, I could have a bit of a moustache.  Wouldn't that be cool?!?

The next step after seeing the shrink, is to talk to my parents. Something I have been avoiding for a long time. They are not on Facebook. And I have never mentioned my blog. I am not sure if any of my family who read my blog has mentioned it to them either. I don't think they have because my folks have never said anything to me about it. I am not expecting open arms. A little understanding would be good. Even if not understanding then respect is the next thing. Respect my decision. Respect my name. Respect my choices. Because it is not something I am jumping into without looking first. I have thought about this almost my entire life and I have done a lot of research and soul searching to reach this decision. As for my sisters, I know they will ridicule and judge me. As always. I do not anticipate a relationship growing between the three of us because of my choices. That has been proven in the past. I am no better. I too have judged them for their life choices . My life choices, to now anyway, seem to have a smaller impact on the family then theirs. Yes. I am saying I feel I am better then them. I am not proud of it. And it is something I am working on. Even though I have chosen not to have a functioning relationship with them, I do need to get over the "Holier then thou" attitude I have towards them.

I talked to my boss at work about it as well. Because I need a couple of days off to go to Edmonton. And because there could be some big changes coming. And I needed to know that my job is still going to be there. I know some of my co workers will not understand and will most likely ridicule me. But whatever. I can deal with that. If my boss is respectful about it, the others will soon fall into line. I know he won't let it go on.

I do have to send out a HUGE thank you to the family and friends that do read this blog and have been so supportive of me. You have made this journey so much easier. I know that if I stumble, you all will be there to help pick me up. I love you all.

The Bro code Article #59

A Bro will always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of Province or, like, crazy expensive.