Sunday, May 27, 2012

It's coming! It's coming!

It's almost holiday time. I thought the time would never get here but now it is only a week away.

A week!!


So excited! I am pretty much packed.  I have to throw a few pairs of jeans in but they are in the dryer right now. I re fill my meds on Tuesday and I am getting my hair done on Tuesday as well.  I have my house sitter lined up so life is good!!

Oh and Melvin is going with me as well. He will be riding in my carry on bag with me. Better photo ops that way.

As the next day dawns.......

OK. So it's not dawn. More like early afternoon. I couldn't get motivated to write yesterday. Today seems like the juices are flowing so here we go.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Very quiet at work. So I have done some more cleaning and re arranging. My work space is now looking more and more the way I want it to. As it should be. It is my work space after all.

I did get yelled at this past week. Not because of anything I did directly. See, we have this program at work that tracks the monitors that come in. Everytime a monitor comes in, I fill out this report with sensor information and what type of gas I tested it with. And everytime I have to change the bottle because I have emptied it, I was supposed to change the lot number and expiry date on the report. Well, my "supervisor" never mentioned it to me. So I never changed it. And apparently he didn't mention it to the last person who did my job. Because nothing had been changed for almost 2 years. So, he got yelled at then I got yelled at. I don't like getting yelled at. The problem was solved and now I make sure I double check everything. The boss apologized to me a little later for losing his cool. He realized that there was a gap in my training and who's fault that was. My "supervisor" on the other hand, didn't say anything to me about it. He could have at least said "Sorry. My bad." or "Kiss my ass" but to say nothing? Nothing. For getting me yelled at. Needless to say, any respect I had for the guy is out the window.

I had another appointment with Dr.J this week as well. It did not go well. I really don't like her.  I know her job is to ask me questions to make me think about things. But to ask me the same thing over and over again and to expect a differnet answer? I wonder about that. I can only answer what I know and what I have thought about. I almost feel like I am doing more and better thearpy on my own, writing this blog, then with her.

The question of my transitioning came up again. That was my bad. I was trying not to. Anyway, when I told her that I was questioning my decision about it and why, she almost seemed to dimiss my concerns. In fact, she did dimiss them. She is right that she is not a gender expert, but to shrug off my concerns about injections and surgery? That's not right. At first she discouraged my thoughts on transitioning and now she is discourging my thoughts not to transition. I explained to her that I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. And now that I have the binders I want, my mind and body are starting to match. So maybe going on testosterone and eventually, surgery, is not something I NEED to do. Maybe transitioning was more of a WANT then a NEED.  I am worried about how testosterone with affect me. Beisdes the obvious physical changes. I have heard stories about people having anger issues while on T. I already have anger issues. I certainly don't want anymore. And other side effects. And surgery. I know that would be a long ways in the future but to put my body through that? I am not sure about that. I still want to be called Dustin. It fits. It suits me I think. It means "brave warrior".

That's what I feel like sometimes. A brave warrior. It reminds me off a charactor I developed years ago when I belonged to a fan fiction writing group. It was based on Xena:Warrior Princess. Now, don't laugh. These were some of the most talented writers I have ever seen. I learned a lot from those people and felt a part of something special. They encouraged me to write. You could write as a person from the show or create your own. I decided to create my own. Her name was Toxaris. She was an amazon with a shady past. She was awesome. I loved her. I still do. I also started writing as Joxer. He was the comedic relief on the show. I had a blast writng "Tox and Jox" adventures. I worked out a lot of personal things writing in that group.  Toxaris allowed a lot of my anger to come out. She mirrored the lonliness I felt in real life. The hopelessness I was feeling, being in the relationship I was in at the time. She did also enjoy the start of a new life when I finally got out of that relationship. But as time went on, she faded into the dark. I think of her fondly. But I can't write her anymore. My life seems to have moved on from what she had to teach me. I thank her for her strength and insight into myself at a time when I really needed it.  Maybe one day she will be back. Bigger and better and more fierce then before.

You got your secrets, you got secrets.
Well I'll tell ya anything you wanna know

Saturday, May 12, 2012

So I know a guy,,,,

When I first met this guy, I honestly thought "This guy is an ass." But the more he talked and the more I listened, I realized he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was just out spoken about what he believes in. And I respect that. When he loves, he loves. When he hates, he figures out why he hates. He is open minded and willing to change his mind if he learns why he should. He is smart and funny and if I was straight, I would say he was pretty cute too.

I've known this guy for 10 + years I guess. He walked into the store I managed one day and has been in my life ever since. Even when he moved back east, he still called to talk. He called me whenever he was back for work or just texts me to kick my ass to write another blog.  He asked me to be a groomsman for him in his wedding this summer.

Yes. I am talking about Birdman.

He told me once, after I talked about my desire to transition, not to use him as a role model. He is way too in touch with his feminine side. I disagree. I think if I do become a man, I will use him for a role model. He is strong, and truthful, funny, smart, loving, dedicated and so many other things. He has been a great friend to me. I am proud to know him and feel so privileged to be in his wedding.

He also writes this amazing blog at  You should check it out.

I miss him. His laugh, his smile, his hugs. Hell. I even kissed him one day.

Does it sound like I'm in love with the guy?

I admit it. I love the Birdman. But I am not "in" love with him.

I have something else on my mind as well.

Why do people automatically assume that T and I have feelings for each other? Is it because I am gay? If I was straight, no one would even question our commitment and love for each other. Just because I am gay, does not mean that I am "in love" with every woman I know or am friends with. I have never had any feelings for T besides those of friendship. T and I have been through so much together. Her family is like my family. They treat me as I am one of their own. T is an amazing woman that I can't imagine not having as a friend. And to all of you people out there who think different, fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I am not some kind of predatory lesbian. That hits on every woman I meet or see. Yes. I am a flirt. I do not deny that. But I flirt with everybody. Women and men. Harmless flirting designed more to puff the ego then to land someone in bed. Everyone flirts to a degree. But it seems that gays get the bad end of the stick. Especially gay men. I know a lot of gay guys. And no self respecting gay man will try and pick up a known straight guy.  They may flirt. But that is not the same as trying to get someone in the sack. In fact, most gays, men or women, are not predators of any kind. The ones they show on TV are crazy fucks. They get all the press because it is sensational news. There are millions, MILLIONS of other gays out there that are normal. They are young, middle aged, old. Some are married, some aren't. Some have kids, some don't. Just like straight folks. I was happy to see that Obamba endorsed same sex marriage. Even though North Carolina outlawed civil unions. I just don't see what the big deal is. All those folks who say that it will demean the sanctity of marriage, do they realize how many straight marriages end in divorce? How many straight marriages have cheating spouses and child abuse? And just how sacred is marriage when they have a TV show about a man with 3 wives?!? Really? But they won't allow gays to get married?

I just don't get it.

I had an email from a friend of mine the other day. Asking me about the local gay community. I had to admit that I don't hang out with the "local" gays. I think I pissed someone off and I have been voted off the big gay island. Do I sound broken hearted about it? No. Do I sound pissed off about it? Yes. So much for being open minded. I have been told that all I need to do is reach out and pick up the phone. But I don't see anyone picking up the phone to call me. When my depression got really bad, I tried reaching out and talking to people about it. They said, "Oh yes. We will be there for you." So. Where are they now? I now have 1 gay friend in Fort.St John that I like to hang out with. Even though neither of us manage to do that very often. (Hi A!! Loves ya!!) But it's OK. We understand each other. I know that right now, I can pick up the phone and call her if I need to. And I hope she knows that about me as well.

I actually prefer to hang out with the crew from Dawson Creek. Awesome folks there. (Hi H!! And K and X!) They are much more relaxed and fun. I am sure there is drama there as well. But I never see it. And I don't hear about it through the grapevine either. So who knows. I just know, that I feel more welcome there then here. It's the same with Prince George. (Hi J and Z!)

So why am I still in Fort. St John? Because believe it or not. I like it here. Yes. I think about moving but for now, this is where I am comfortable.

And on that note,

Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Of love lost and found

I've had both. I think we all have. There is always that one that you have a soft spot for. Maybe it was a teenage crush. Or the one you screwed up and let get away.  The one you have secretly loved for years. The one you can't imagine you're life without.

The one I can't imagine my life without is not a romantic love. She has been part of my life for 25 years. I have had friends for longer. And friends for a shorter time that mean oh so much to me. But only one that I love with all my heart.

The other night we were having dinner. She said I was the sister she never had and the brother she always wanted. I smiled when she told me that. It still makes me smile. She is the sister I always wanted and never had. For my family reading this, who know my sisters, and have siblings they are close too, remember, I don't have that. No offence to my sisters. Really. But I have nothing in common with them. Besides having the same parents. "T" and I have the same sense of humour, like most of the same music, have fought and are still fighting depression. We are comfortable in our silences. Hell, we even fart in front of each other. Can't get much more comfortable then that.

People have asked us both if we have romantic feelings for each other. It's like others can't understand the bond we have with each other. She has my back. I have hers. No matter what is going on and no matter what time it is. To be honest, she is the only one I trust with my life. Out of respect, I have tried not to use names in this blog. You know, she who will remained nameless. But I am going to break that just once. I am so proud to have you as my friend Tasha. You mean more to me then anyone else in this world. You are my very best friend and I love you with all my heart. Where ever and when ever you need me, I will be there.

On to a lighter story.

I got a text message the other day.

I know. Not that exciting. But........

It was from my dad.

My DAD!!

He is 70 years old. Got himself a new iPhone and has decided to give texting a try.


Shocked the shit out of me. Thought I should know better. Nothing he does anymore should surprise me. After all, he decided to buy a motorcycle a few years back. He ended up crashing it. But still. I was very proud of him when he bought it. He should have a little fun. Mom was mad he bought it. The other one was telling me not to encourage him to buy it. "Mom is really mad! They will end up getting a divorce!" "Whatever." I said. "If they didn't get divorced when dad was drinking, they are not going to get one over a motorcycle." To be honest,  I would be more worried of them splitting up over the basement renovation.

Anyway, the other called me one day to say that Dad had crashed the bike. Laid it down on the highway doing about 100 km an hour. Thought he say something run out in front of him. He ended up hurting him thumb and getting 11 stitches in his elbow. To be honest, I laughed. As soon as I found out he was OK of course.

Not sure how I got on the story of Dad's bike from him text messaging me. You really shouldn't let me get off topic like that.

Now I lost my train of thought.


S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y NIGHT!!! Sa sa sa Saturday night!