Sunday, December 25, 2011

Becoming Oliver: Christmas Morning

Becoming Oliver: Christmas Morning: Spent just the way I like it. Sleeping in. Relaxing cup of coffee. Nice chat with the folks. Oh and a few snuggles from the fur kids before ...

Christmas Morning

Spent just the way I like it. Sleeping in. Relaxing cup of coffee. Nice chat with the folks. Oh and a few snuggles from the fur kids before my bladder made it quite clear it was time to get out of bed. I even got a few text messages from friends. And a couple of girls I have been chasing on and off for a while. Maybe the Christmas spirit will kick in and get me some very soon. (Did I say that out loud? My bad.)

I do have to tell you that I am not a big fan of the Christmas season. I hate Christmas music with a passion. (GAG!) Spending money on presents bugs me a lot too. I don't make that much money and having to dole out cash because it's the "season" irritates me. I don't mind buying for the kids. That's OK. And I don't mind buying for my best friend or parents. They do so much for me during the year, it's the least I can do. Everyone else can hang it though. I don't expect presents from everyone so why should I buy for everyone?

And all the false cheerfulness bugs me. The fake smile and hearty "Merry Christmas." If you don't want to say, don't. Tell me to bugger off or stick it up my ass instead if that's what you are feeling. I say it when I feel it. Not because I have to. I don't mail out Christmas cards either. Sorry.

Bah. Humbug.

I do like spending time with my best friend. And to me, that makes Christmas worth it. I always love spending time with her. Today, we will exchange our gifts to each other, have dinner, moan we ate too much then watch movies. It will an awesome, relaxing evening. And no booze.

That's right. No booze. After eight years of sharing Christmas with a partner who was drunk from the beginning of the month to the end, I declared that from now on my celebration would be booze free. I don't need the drama of a drunk pissing and moaning about life and death in my ear for a whole month. I dealt with that every weekend we were together. You think she would give it a break at some point. But no. It only got worse. Now, it is not my problem anymore and I really hope she isn't doing it to someone else.

Sorry. I'm a little grumpy. It happens.

I think New years will be spent with a buddy of mine. We haven't spent much time together lately but we are like that. I asked her if she just wanted to lay around on her couches and watch movies, eat junk food and completely miss midnight. She said she would think about it. I thought about heading out of town for New years. In the hopes of sneaking a kiss from a cute woman, but......I don't think I want to do that this year. It's money I don't really need to spend.  Maybe in February I'll head to Prince George. Girls tend to be a bit more needy at the time.

Sounds a bit underhanded I know but I'll take every advantage I can. I think my buddy, Smarty Pantaloons will understand.

I've been thinking about New years resolutions  as well.  I don't normally make them because i don't want to not do it and feel like a failure. But this year I think I will make one. One that i can keep if I just get stubborn about it. I want to lose some weight. Before Birdman's wedding in June. I eat not too bad right now. I'm doing good on avoiding the junk food. Though I have been indulging in chocolates this year. I just need to exercise more.  I would love to drop say, 10 lbs before June.  If anyone has any tips or hints on how to do that, please, let me know. I'll take any help I can.

I'm going to sign off now. Before my grinchiness gets any worse.

Little Miss, Little Miss Can't be wrong


Monday, December 19, 2011

It was a great,,,,


What were you thinking? Dirty minded person you are.

Last night, I got a call from an old friend of mine. (Sorry Rimbey. But you are older.) We had lost touch but never lost each other. Somehow, someway, I knew I could find her if I needed her. And she could find me if she needed me. 

We were on the phone for 2 hours. It was so awesome to connect again. We talked about everything and anything. Just like we used too. I would call her on Friday night, late, because I knew she was studying. And we would talk for a couple of hours. I miss that. She told me I wasn't allowed to call her that late anymore. She needs her sleep. Of course, she IS older then me now. ( Gotcha Rimbey!!)

I've missed you my friend. I will call you on Boxing day and we will have another chat.

Rimbey confirmed what I had known for years. I was miserable as a teenager. I think I mentioned I was the classic tortured teenager. We all know why. I have to say that it isn't like that anymore. I am happy now. Ever since I made the decision to transition, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The same I did when I finally admitted I was gay. It's an amazing feeling.

And the question of how far I want to take my transition has come up in a few different conversations lately. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I am going to have surgery. I don't know about the testosterone yet. I haven't talked to my doctor or my shrink yet. It maybe a while before I even get on testosterone. I guess it depends on whether or not they think it is something I need to feel normal.

And then I got an email from Lori. My cous. She is the most I tell ya! I know that whatever else happens in my life, she has my back. Just like I had hers when her brother would pick on her when we were kids. Remember that Lori? I do believe I beat him up a few times. HAHA!!

I spent my Saturday night being a D.D for a Christmas party. It was fun. I didn't get home till 2:30 AM. But I got quite a few folks home safely. And I made some cash. So it was cool. There was one young girl who had way too much way too early. Took two of us to get her into the house. Then I had to promise to go find her boyfriend before she would even sit down. I remember being that drunk before. I was so embarrassed afterwards. I don't know how people can't be. some of them seem to have no shame about being that drunk. Maybe I have too much self respect to drink that much very often. I figure if I get drunk once every couple of years or so, I'm good. I am going to have a few drinks at my buddy's wedding in June. There will also be a lot of dancing and carousing.

Well, my mind is empty. (Never mind.) Remember,

You must be crazy for me.



What do you all think of the Name Dustin Tanner Carnell

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I should clarify,,,,

When I wrote this statement,"Some days I feel that the only people who love me for me is cats.", what I meant was that I don't have a girlfriend or partner sleeping beside me. I know I have friends and family that love just as I am. And I am so thankful for that. I know how lucky I am.

I have chatted on line with a lot of women in various chat rooms. I've heard so many horror stories of these poor people who have lost their friends and even family by coming out. I couldn't imagine how devastating that would be. My experience was pretty easy.  Well, as easy as coming out to your parents can be after breaking up with your first girlfriend.

Let me explain.

I had gone to Grande Prairie to hang out with my girlfriend and a friend for my birthday. Turns out, she dumped me. So, broken hearted, I came home. My room mates told me my phone had been ringing off the hook all weekend so I went to check my messages. I called my younger sister back and heard that my older sister had been beaking off to Mom about me living with a couple of lesbians. That one was a former drug addict. Mom, of course, got really worried about me. She had told my younger sister about it. So I decided I should go talk to my mom as soon as possible. Like that night.

So I head to Mom and Dad's. I make an excuse that I need something from downstairs and Mom, of course, follows me. I started telling her that I really was gay. And that I felt happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe my whole life. There were a few tears. From both of us. Mom said she kinda knew from the time I was a child. (I was and still am a total tom boy.) That she wondered if she had done something wrong. I told her it was not her fault, that I was born this way and even though I just had my heartbroken by my first girlfriend, I was still happy. Then I asked her not to tell Dad. That I wanted to tell him. Then I headed home to mend my poor heart.

Mom went upstairs and told Dad.

His reaction, "Well, I guess she has to try everything once."

I know. Still makes me laugh.

My point, and I do have one, is that my folks never once thought of cutting me out of their lives. Neither has the rest of my family. My aunts and uncles and all my cousins, everyone has been supportive. As for the on going drama with my sisters, it has nothing to do with me being gay. It is more of a difference of opinion thing.

I know the changes I am making now might be surprising to some family members. To others, they may not understand why I need to do what I am doing. But they will always be there for me. As will my friends. And if they walk away during this time of transition, well, they weren't really friends anyway right?

Back to my original point, I want a girlfriend who will snuggle with me, kiss me and support me. Someone who loves me for me. Just like my cats do.

Is that too much to ask?

I didn't think so.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

It's Saturday!!!

I slept till 1:20 PM today.

I know.

But it felt soooo good! Not that I had a long hard week at work or anything. It was a fairly normal week. Just busy enough to make the day so fast but not overwhelming. So it was good. I even starting doing fit testing on my own. (Fit test: Making sure the mask of an SCBA is fitting properly so you don't get gassed if the is a sour gas leak. Kinda a good thing to do.) The boss is even thinking of sending me out into the field, when needed, to do fit tests. I love my job!

My friend, Birdman, gave me shout out on his blog today. Thanks Man! Anyone reading my blog should check out his. It's amazing!   I promise you will laugh, cry, smile , frown and come away thinking a little bit differently about things.  Check it out.

Someone left a comment  asking me if I had talked to my family about the changes I am making in my life. I admit I answered a bit snarky. I am sorry for that. I had just had a conversation with my older sister and it made me grumpy. As usual. The reason I haven't talked to my family about what I am doing is because I am not on casual speaking terms with my sisters. I have decided that, for now, little to no contact with them is what's best for me. They are rather negative about some things and I do not need that right now. As for my parents, I think it is a conversation I should have face to face with them. I am not sure if they know about this blog or have read it. They haven't mentioned it when we talk. But I think after the initial shock, they will be supportive. They will never block me from their life. I know that. I feel secure in that.

Some days I feel that the only people who love me for me is cats. Really. They are always good for a snuggle. They are sad to see me leave in the morning for work and so happy to see me when I get home. When I wake up in the middle of the night, there is always one or two on the bed with me. For the record, I have 3 cats. And I am not the crazy cat lady. Or crazy cat guy. Whatever. If I had a house with a yard, I might have a dog. But I don't think it is fair to have a dog in an apartment. Even a small dog. They need free access to the outside and apartment living doesn't offer that. Cats are a little easier. Though scooping litter boxes is not a favourite chore of mine.

I went out today for a bit. To the big department store. I will not tell you it's name because I hate the fact I have no choice but to shop there. Anyway, I was dressed as "Oliver". I was amazed at how many looks I didn't get. Most people just looked right past me. Though one woman did do a double take then wrinkled her nose like she was smelling something foul. I looked her right in the eye and smiled and winked.  She gave me another look then turned her back. I giggled to myself and moved on. I love doing that to people. Female or male. It really makes them uncomfortable. I know it seems ignorant but then, I think it is ignorant of them to look at me that way. You are not allowed to look at a handicapped person that way. So why should you look at me that way? I'm still a human being with feelings that can get hurt.

I think that is what gets forgotten sometimes. I have feelings. As do all gay people. Birdman mentioned people saying "gay" like it's a bad thing. He doesn't agree with it. And neither do I. It pisses me off. I don't walk around saying, "That's so straight!" when I don't like something. It sounds stupid. So why is saying "That's so gay" acceptable? I think maybe people should think about that next time it pops out of their mouths.

This was a rambling one again. But then, my mind rambles a lot. Focus is something I have to work at. Ha ha.

Till next time, just remember,

I wanna see how lucky Lucky can be.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

I have a strange mind

Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you are thinking. But sometimes my mind surprises even me.

So here's what happened. I woke up at 5:30 Am, with a wicked toothache. Something I have been fighting for a few days. And yes. I know there are things called dentists. There is also something called money to pay for said dentist. Next payday, I am so going and getting this damn tooth pulled.

Back to my story. Screaming toothache, couple of hours sleep. So I get got up and took a couple of T-1's.  I decided to fool around on Facebook while waiting for the meds to kick in. Then I went back to bed. With an ice pack on my face. I finally fell asleep and managed to have a very wicked ass dream. (This is where the strange mind comes in.)

There was a lion, a wedding, some really badly dress drag queens and a preacher.

You can start laughing now.

What I remember is the lion wandering around in the background, acting like a big old house cat. The drag queens were actually bridesmaids. Dressed in very ugly bridesmaids dresses with loud, gawdy Mimi make-up. Turns out I was getting married. To a woman with dark hair. Shorter then me (but in the dream I was much taller then I really am), I was dressed in white (!) and my bride was dressed in black. I was standing behind her. And we were standing in a bedroom. The preacher (yeah I know) was sitting on the bed. He started the ceremony but answered a text message, then a phone call. I could feel myself getting madder and madder. Then he answered yet another phone call. That's when I lost it and yelled profanities at him.

Then my alarm went off. LMAFO - Sexy and I know it.  You can now start rolling on the floor laughing.

This is why I say I have a strange mind. Number one, I do not want to get married. Ever. And gawdy drag queens. Really? Nothing against drag queens. Love them! But probably not as my "bridesmaids". And then there is a preacher. A preacher. Ummmm, yeah. Not likely. Considering my views on religion. The only thing that kinda makes sense is the lion being a house cat.

Dreams are funny things. From what I understand, they mean something completely different then the images you "see". I'm not sure if I want to know what the dream means. It scares me. I know my mind works in strange ways. I don't really need to know how strange.

What makes me the happiest, is that I can actually fall into a deep enough sleep to dream. For years I didn't remember my  dreams. I don't think I was in a deep enough sleep. I certainly dream now. Wow. I believe we have discussed my angry dreams. I also have dirty dreams. Those are my favourite. I have such a dirty mind. Sometimes I feel like a teenage boy in the morning. If you know what I mean.

This was a rambling post but I still hope it was entertaining.

Ooooh, dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooooh, dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Hi. It's just me. Testing to see if the email thing is working. Is it? Post a comment and let me know.

And the verdict is,,,,,

Well. I guess that's that. Turns out Miss "W" and I want completely different things. She wants a boi toy. I want a relationship. I clearly remember telling her that on our first date. I was expecting a relationship after our 90 days of "getting to know each other". I'm not sure what she was expecting at the end of it. She wanted to be exclusive in dating. Fine. She wanted to wait for 90 days. Fine. That sounds a lot like a relationship to me.  Doesn't it?

I guess there are more fish in the sea. Or lobsters. I want a lobster. I know it can happen. It has happened to 2 friends of mine so I know it can. I just have to be patient. Good thing I like fishing. :)

My friend, "H" gave me a couple of great presents today. She gave me a calender full of pictures of trans men. So beautiful and inspiring. And she gave me a book on drag kings. She is so awesome! She always manages to find cool things like that for her friends. I am lucky to have her as my friend. Hugs "H"!

I am still loving my new job. Everyday I learn something new and everyday I am busy doing something. We got paid yesterday. I am getting paid more then they first told me so that made me very happy. Finally I can feel less stressed about money. I can have more of a social life. Especially now, a social life seems important to me. Trying to transition and all. I will be able to afford trips to Prince George, even to Edmonton maybe. I will be able to afford the things I need to make me feel more comfortable in my body. That makes me happy.

Ok. I don't get it. What is this "just want to have a good time" shit all about? Are you really that insecure that you have to be in charge of everything? Dictating how and when we will see each other? I don't get it. Maybe I am old fashioned or something but I think everything should be 50/50. I am glad that we figured out this issue before we went any further. I don't want to just be a play date for someone. Been there. Done that. Don't want to go through it again. I thought she heard me when I told her that. Maybe she chose not to hear me. I don't know. Sorry for jumping back into the Miss"W" thing with no warning. But really, it bothers me. I try to be honest and open. And I try to be heard, but somehow, I always seem to get bit in the ass. What the hell is it about me? I know I have to pick better women. I thought being with someone older would help with that. I guess not. Games are played no matter what age. Do I exude some sort of scent that draws unstable women to me? Not all have been unstable. But a few have been. I just can't figure it out.

Women. Sheesh!

"I'm not here for you're entertainment."