Sunday, August 25, 2013

Lazy Sundays

My favorite kind of days.

Though I should be doing my laundry. But I am not out of socks and underwear yet so I am good.

I spent part of my day updating my I tunes. Somehow, songs got doubled and tripled up. So I had to delete stuff, download more and then up date my I pod. I need a new one with more memory though. I am quickly running out of room.

Work is, well, work. Enough said.

I shaved my head this week. To support my scuz in her fight against breast cancer. She is rockin' the bald and so am I. I will keep it shaved as long as she has no hair. When she starts growing it back, I will grow mine back.

I have to admit, I love being bald. I get "Sir" a lot more often. Less wondering looks. Plus, it is REALLY easy to get ready in the morning. Though my head gets cold at night. I have worn a toque to bed to keep it warm.

I have an orange tabby hanging around my place. No. Not Monty. A different one. Rumor has it, his people moved and left him behind to fend for himself. I have caught him in my place a few times. Chowing down in the food dish. My three seem to have no objection to him. He is inside right now, sitting at the bottom of the stairs. He looks so tired and beat down. He let me pet him and even gave me head nuzzles. He needs to see a vet I think. Looks like he has ear mites. And his eyes look funny. But that could be because he has been on his own for a while and not getting enough to eat everyday. I am going to let him stay as long as he wants. If he keeps coming around, I will take him to the doctor. Tell them his story. Maybe they will give me a break on the bill.

Why are people so cruel? Pisses me off to see pets abandoned like this. What did this guy do to be left behind? Nothing. Someone just decided to adopt him them throw him away when they didn't want him anymore. He is not an object. He is a living, breathing creature that deserves to be looked after and loved. And if he will let me, I will love him.

As I was out doing some running around today, I seen a young lady and her dog standing by the big department store. Her sign said, "Travelling through. Broke and hungry." So while I was picking up some kitty litter, I bought them a few cans of soup, some juice and a small bag of dog food. It was no skin off my nose to do something nice for someone. I might be broke and hungry one day. I believe in karma. It will all come back to me one day. And for a more selfish reason, it make me feel good to do nice things for someone. It can be as small as holding a door open for someone. It makes me feel good. I was raised to be a gentleman.

My shots are still going well. I am noticing a lot more hair. On my belly. My shoulders. My thighs. My upper and lower lip as well as my chin. I may actually get to shave soon. There are also some other physical changes I am noticing. My shoulders are getting broader. Even my chiropractor commented on it.  That makes me happy. I have always enjoyed my broad shoulders. My biceps seem to be getting bigger as well. No. I am not working out though I should be. There are also other parts of me getting bigger. Private parts. I was told this could happen. And it seems to be. I wonder just how big this part is going to get. That is all I am going to say about that.

I think I have mentioned I am 6 months into my 1 year real life experience. I still can't believe it. I can remember be so upset that I would have to wait so long for anything to happen. But now, it feels like time is flying by. I know I still have a long wait ahead but I am hoping it will go as quickly as the last 6 months has.

Just to be clear, I have been going by Dustin for well over a year but the official name change didn't go through till 6 months ago. It had to be official in order for it to count. I also need to see if my appointments Dr. Warneke count towards seeing a gender a specialist for surgery. See, he is in Edmonton. I am not sure if MSP will recognize him. I hope so. Then I don't have to start over. And it will be one more step towards my end goal of surgery.

Wish me luck.

The Bro Code Article # 44

A bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. ( Exception:  If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator)


Monday, August 5, 2013

Bitter pill to swallow.

I worked my second Saturday in a row. And I am now into my second week on call. As much as I hate call outs, I am hoping for a few more. I only get paid if I get called out. So instead of maybe heading to the river to enjoy the sunshine, I am stuck in town, waiting for the damn phone to ring.

I am still waiting to hear on the other job. They are not hiring at the moment. I have been in touch with the H.R and she knows I really want to go to work there. I can hardly wait. I am getting terribly frustrated at my current job. It is not that I think I can run the company better. I know I can't. I don't suggest things to my boss because he has been in business for a long time and knows what he is doing. I am just a tech. If he asks me a question about my job, I can answer it with confidence. Why? Because I know my job. I know my place in the pecking order. I am not quite low man on the totem pole but I am close to it. I have no say and no authority to do anything but my job. Does that stop the management from expecting me to do more then I am paid for? No. Apparently, I am not only expected to do my job, but know all about everyone else's job is. Even if I don't work in that department or spend a limited amount of time in a certain department. Even when the douche bag makes a mistake, it is my fault. Even if I wasn't even in the building at the time.

So, I just keep my mouth shut, do MY job the best I can and try to let the rest roll off my shoulders. I know it will only be for a short time.

Onto other things.

I got a text message from the other one this week. Out of the blue. She sent a picture of the two of us on her wedding day. I stood up with her. I don't object to the picture. Not much anyway. She said "A couple of good looking ladies!" I replied with "Since I am not a lady, I guess so."  She says, "You were still a female back then blah blah blah."

Excuse me?


She was trying to acknowledge what I am doing. I get that part. But sending me a picture of me in dress after months of not talking is really not the way to go about it. All that does is remind me of very unhappy times for me. Maybe she was trying to open a conversation with me about what I am doing. And that is cool. Open the conversation. Ask me questions. Let's talk. But YOU are the one who has to ask. I know what I am doing. I understand it and am comfortable with it. I know what my future holds. I know what I want. YOU are the one who needs answers from me. ME. Not the older one. Not Mom and Dad. From me. So ask me. Don't talk about me to each other. Talk to ME! Who better to tell you what is happening with me then me? You know my number. You know where to find me. Pick up the phone and call. Or text. What ever. You know where to find me. I will talk to you about what I am doing. And why. But I will not talk to you about each other or Mom and Dad. The only conversation I will have with you is about me. Sending a picture of me in a dress feels like an insult. Not an acknowledgement of my life.

Does that sound selfish? It is not meant to be. I can only answer questions about what I am thinking and feeling. I can't answer for someone else. I will not discuss how Mom and Dad feel about it. They have to deal with it on their own. And same as you, they know where to find me if they have any questions. I can not be responsible for anyone else's emotional health. I have a hard enough time with my own emotional health.

I am sorry if this sounds like an open letter to the other one and the older one. I am told they read my blog so I figured I would write it down here for them to see. Or maybe someone in the family will see this and tell them to read it.

I seen the older one this weekend as well. She made a point to call me by my old name numerous times. I tried really hard not to let it bother me. But it did a little. Maybe I was just being over sensitive about it but it felt like she was deliberately doing it to see if I would correct her. If it wasn't my nephew's first birthday party, I might have. But the time and place wasn't right.To be honest, seeing her reminded me why I do not have a relationship with her.And also strengthened my resolve to look after myself. To support myself. I don't need my parents to give me things or money. I can pay for it on my own. When I decide it is time for a new vehicle, I will do it on my own. I will not ask my parents for the money. I have long expected nothing financially from my folks. After getting my ass chewed by my Dad years ago. Yes. I have borrowed small amounts over the years. Not much compared to the other two. I was never given a vehicle that was going to be sold for $1500 by my Dad. Do I sound bitter? Damn rights I do! Why? Because the co dependence between the older one and parents is getting really old.  Enough already! She is 47 years old! She has to stand on her own two feet. Just like I do. When I bought my truck, I showed it off like any proud owner of their first new vehicle. I received a call from my Mom later that day and was told to say sorry to the older one for rubbing it in her face. That I had worked hard to be able to buy a new vehicle and was proud of myself for doing it. Did Mom make the older one call me and apologize for rubbing it in that Dad GAVE her a truck? No.

Damn rights I am bitter.

The shots are going well. Although I hit a vein a couple of weeks ago. Or at least went through a vein. I pulled the needle out and blood went "squirt". I just applied pressure and the bleeding stopped. No biggie. It was going to happen sooner or later. I feel like a junkie sometimes. When I get my "fixings" together for my shots. The needles and syringe. The wipes and band-aid. The sharps container. There is a whole ritual around shot time. My countdown through the week is not for the weekend. It is for when I give myself my shot.

I am noticing more hair growth. On my legs and arms. Not so much on my face but it is coming in slowly. I am slowly getting side burns. It feel like my shoulders are getting broader.  When I have my binders on, wearing a t shirt, I can "see" what I will look like after surgery. I have also come to the conclusion I will be a short and stocky man. And I am good with that. I know lots of short stocky guys and they are wonderful guys. I am proud to be one.

OK. I think I have vented enough for today.

Thanks for listening.

Bro code article # 127

A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.