Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'm sorry.

I know. It's been two weeks. But last weekend I went to visit my bff "M". I needed a break out of town. Besides, I love it there. I feel comfortable enough to nap on the couch and get sick. LOL The cold I had been fighting caught up with me while I was there.  But it was awesome to just to be there. "M " is one of my most favourite people in the world. Along with her beautiful girlfriend "E" and of course, the furry one, "W".

Anyway, it was a great weekend.

I have been struggling for two days to organize my thoughts for this blog. I don't know why I am having such a hard time setting my thoughts down. Since I have started this blog, the thoughts have flowed out of me.

Not this time. It feels like pulling teeth. (Not really but you know what I mean.)

I think a lot of what I am feeling is fear. Fear of talking to my doctor at my appointment this coming week and having him push me off because he doesn't understand or doesn't agree with what I think I need. He's been a pretty good doctor so far but this. This is life changing for me.  I don't want to wait to see someone else. I can't wait to see someone else. I have waited my entire life for this.

I am also not looking forward to talking to my psychiatrist about this either. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am not getting a good vibe from her. I still want the help with my other issues. The anger etc. But I don't know if she is the one that can help me. I may have to change to someone else. Which sucks.

Sometimes I hate living here. There are such limited resources for people like me.  I don't want to move to Vancouver. Really. Can you imagine me in Vancouver? Never going to happen. Prince George maybe. What I am hoping is that I can keep seeing my doctor here and maybe make a quick trip to Prince George every couple of months for appointments.  From all the research I have done(Thanks "H" for the links! They really helped!), there is really no reason my doctor can't help me.  There a lot of on line resources for both of us.

I don't know what I am thinking. Maybe it is frustration.

There a few things I am trying to do all at once. I am trying to transition. I am trying to eat properly. I am trying to exercise regularly. I am trying to succeed at a new job.  A lot of things on my plate.  Maybe that is what the problem is. But really, one thing leads to another and helps them all. The root of all of it is confidence. 

I have this picture in my head of how I want to look by June when I go to Birdman and Mrs.Birdman's wedding.  I don't necessarily want to be thin, just in shape.(Not round. ) I want to fill out the shoulders of my suit nicely. All the better to pick up hot bridesmaids. Heh Heh Heh! And , the healthier I am, the less side affects I am likely to have from the testosterone. And the more in shape I am, the less visible my "girls" will be.  Testosterone will help with that as well. 

God I just want the journey to begin!!

Only three things worth dying for, that's girls and cars and the third world war.


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Wow. Two in one day.

Don't get your panties in a wad. There are more things going through my mind I need to get off my chest.

I watched a TV program this evening on transgender kids. I think the youngest was 8. A biological male but living as a girl. She was diagnosed with "Gender Dysphoria"  There were other kids as well. As I watched and listened to the interviews, I kept thinking "That was me. That's how I felt." One girl would throw a temper tantrum at the age of 4 or 5 when she had to wear a dress. I was doing that at 2 or 3.  As soon as I could say "No. Pants."  I know I was never comfortable in a dress. Ever. It felt completely un natural to me. I can remember being very young and wanting a penis. Asking when would I get mine. Wanting to be a boy.

I can remember not being brave enough to really be who I wanted to be. Ever.  Of course, things were very different 30 or 40 years ago. Being gay or transgendered was not as accepted as it is today. Maybe that's why I have now decided to be who I feel I was always meant to be. Those kids on the program were and are so brave. The older ones are taking hormone blockers to stop puberty. When they hit a certain age, they will have to go on testosterone or estrogen. And have to be on these drugs for life.  One young man was asking if there was anyway to store his eggs until he was older and married so he could have a biological child of his own. This question came from a 12 year old. How mature is that? Really? They also talked to a man who was 49 when he went on testosterone. I thought that was pretty brave as well. He had top surgery and began life over again. *Sigh* Wouldn't that be nice?

I haven't done any research into Gender Dysphoria yet but I think tonight I will. I want to know more about it. I don't know if that is what I have. And I want to know more about testosterone. About side effects. I figure these are things I need to know. And I want to try and be as informed as possible when I next see my shrink. Even though I am not sure how I feel about her yet. But I will get into that more later. I need to know what I am getting myself into. What medical side effects I might suffer. So far, I have suffered very few, if any, side effects from the drugs I am on now. Besides feeling a bit more settled in my emotions. Of course, the anger and confusion is still there but I am hoping that when I take the next step in my transition, and thing are jiving a bit more between my mind and body, those feelings will fade. Then MY real life can start.

OK. Onto my shrink.

I have only seen her 3 times. Mainly because she is booked solid and can sometimes take months to get in to see her. I think she is the only one in Fort St.John. I am not getting a good vibe from her.  I don't seem to be getting much feed back from her. I realize it's only been 3 appointments. I'm not expecting a miracle. But some sort of return would be nice. I'm not sure what she will say or ask when I tell her about my path. I have contemplated seeing if I can change to someone else. Though I might have to drive to Dawson Creek. And I am OK with that. Since I am not feeling the trust with the one I have now. And at this point, I have to do what is best for me. What makes me happy. And I am willing to do almost anything to get it.

I really need to talk to my parents about this. I might have to make a flying trip on a long weekend and explain what and why I am doing this. There's a conversation that scares the living hell out of me. I am really not sure how that will go. I can only hope for the best I guess.

I think the hardest will be convincing my nieces and nephews that I am their uncle. LOL! I have already been told that I will forever be Auntie. I might have to get them to start calling me by my chosen name. And I think it will be Dustin Tanner. Why you ask? Well, the name Dustin came to me in a dream and has stuck in my head ever since. And I'm really feeling the name you know? Like it suits me. And Tanner is for a baby cousin of mine that died of SIDS a long time ago. I think the two names sound good together. Kinda rolls off the tongue. And it is COMPLETELY different from my given name. Which I have never really liked anyway. It is not a name that I identified with. Ever. I hated it growing up. I used to beat up people that made fun of me because of my name.

And on that note, I am going to ask my loyal readers to call me Dustin from now on. For those of you who have forgotten, Oliver is my drag king name. Oliver Clothesoff. *Insert cheeky grin*

All summer long, you made me high when I was down.


Another beautiful Saturday.

I thought today was going to be a total bust. Sitting at home, alternately cleaning and watching the boob tube. Then, out of no where, I get a text from my buddy Birdman. Turns out him and Chin are coming to town and want to take me for brunch. Needless to say, I was all over that!! We went to a local eatery and the fun ensued. I had been in touch with Mrs. Birdman and we planned for me to plant a kiss on Birdman. It got a little out of hand when he started getting wood. (Not really.) There was a little bit of tongue.(Not really)  He had not shaved for a day or two and was a little whiskery. I don't like that. He did have soft lips though.

And Chin. What can I say about Chin? As much as he won't like this, I am going to say it anyway. He is a great guy!! Funny, smart, sarcastic. and a bit of a gentleman. I mean , he even let me crawl in and out of the Green Goblin window. To see video of said window climbing, check out tomorrow and you will see the video. Yes. There is video. Things I do for my friends.

The three of us also checked out the thrift stores. There were fashions and bargains galore. But Birdman couldn't find another blue velour shirt. Chin was intrigued by the used underwear for sale though.  I did find a black suit for $15. I may go back and pick it up.

I can't stop smiling. Those guys really cheered me up. I don't know why I was feeling down last night and again this morning. But they put a smile on my face. And I thank them for it. I needed a guy day I think. Just chillin', checking out used clothes, work boots and hot chicks. Well, Chin and I were checking them out. Birdman is spoken for.

Oh I forgot! Mrs.Birdman called and the three of us got to chat with her too!! I was laughing the whole time. She has a great laugh. And from the pictures I've seen, her smile lights up a room. I can hardly wait to meet her. I admit, I am crushing on her a bit. But really, how could you not? She's all that and a bag of chips for sure. One day, I know I will meet my own Mrs.Birdman. And she will be just as amazing as the real one.

I guess that is it for now. I'm sure there will be more later. Stay tuned.

"In front of total strangers, won't you kiss me?"


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy Do Ya!!

Let me explain the title.

Years and years ago, my mom baby sat this little guy named Tyler. He was about 3 back then. He was just learning to talk. New years rolled around and instead of saying "Happy New year!" it came out as "Happy Do Ya!" . And it has been a family tradition ever since. So, "Happy Do Ya!" everyone!

I've had a few things on my mind lately. So let me share them.

First off, I was thinking back to last year when I went to T's Christmas party with her. We had a good time. Had a few laughs. Got our picture taken together dressed all fancy so it was good. Afterwards, the perception was that T and I were together. As a couple. I guess a few of her co workers were wondering if T was gay because she brought me to the party. I know that when I have talked about T to people, they have asked "Is she gay too?" Noooooo. Why would she be? And the same thing when I have talked about having a twin sister. Just because we are twins, doesn't mean we are anything alike. As most of you know, we are NOTHING alike. And I like that.

Why do people automatically assume that everyone I know is gay? I actually have more straight friends then gay. They figure my BFF should be gay. I do have a gay BFF (Hi M!! Me love you long time!) But T and I have been together as friends for more then 20 years. We have been through so many things together. I have never had a crush on her. I have never flirted with her. Why would I? I see her as my best friend. My chosen family. She is T. She is my best friend.

Another thing on my mind is my decision to transition. I think a common misperception is that I want to be a man. I don't. I just don't want to be a woman anymore. I know that some of you don't or can't understand but that is the easiest way to explain it. I am tying to get my mind and body to agree with each other. And it's hard to do. It seems that my body has a mind of it's own. Things just don't feel right. I know that I will have to talk to my doctor and my shrink about what is going on in my head. I can't just walk into my doctor's office and tell him I want to go on testosterone. There will be questions I will need to answer and things I will have to do first. As for surgery, well, I don't know. That is a huge step. It is something I am thinking about. A lot. There are a lot of risks involved. And cost. I haven't really looked into it yet but I heard that the surgery to remove my breasts is not covered in BC. It might be under my medical plan at work. Or at least part of it. It is something that I will have to look into in the future.

There are so many things I would like to do this year. I think get healthy is the biggest one. I know that one I can lose a few pounds and get more mentally fit, things will fall into place for me. I know they will. T and I will be going to Aqua fit. Which is cool. I love water. I am also going to try really hard to stay away from the junk food. I've been doing pretty good lately but I know I need to do more. And more exercise. I already walk to work but I need to do more. My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before my buddy's wedding in June.  And I know I can do it. I am just stubborn enough.

I have also put my cats on a diet. Fidget is getting out of control. She can't even clean herself properly anymore. So I have to do it for her. That means a bath once in a while and wipes to keep her clean in between baths. Sigh. One more step towards being the crazy cat person, living in the basement. But I want to keep her healthy. And this is one way to do it.  And there is now an eating schedule. They will be fed at one time during the day only. If they eat it all in between, well, they just have to wait till it's time.

So those are my plans for the new year. I don't believe in making resolutions that I know I can't keep.  All I can do is make promises to myself I want to keep. Being realistic in my goals is my goal. Make sense? Good.

It's a jump to left........ Then a step to the right.........Put your hands on hips.........Bring your knees in tight......It's the pelvic thrust......That really drives you insane........Let's do the Time Warp again.