Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hi. It's me again.

So. Sunday afternoon. I managed to sleep half the day away. It felt glorious!! God I love sleeping. Maybe because I didn't do it for so many years. Before I was on sleeping pills, I can't remember the last time I had a great night's sleep. I was lucky if I slept for 4 hours without waking up. Then trying to fall back to sleep for 30 mins. Before waking up again in 2 hours. Made for a very restless night. Even now, I sleep for 5 hours at a time before waking up. But I fall back to sleep quicker. And I do into a deeper, more restorative sleep.

Enough my sleeping patterns. As fascinating as it is,,let's move onto other topics.

I start my new job tomorrow morning. I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I think it will be a good match for me. I will work around people but will still be mostly on my own. I like that. I will be learning new skills and taking on new challenges. That's the exciting part. More money will be awesome as well. WOW! I might be able to have a social life again. Go to the movies. Take my girl on a dinner date.

Ahhhh yes. My girl. It's been a while since I have been able to say that. But that's how I think of her now. Amazing how that works. The more we talk, the more connected I feel. Making me wait for 90 days is paying off. Getting to know each other first is the biggest turn on ever. Really it is. I guess I am finally becoming a grown up and realizing sex isn't everything. It's a big part of it but you had better be able to talk to your partner afterwards. Be able to sit at the dinner table and talk about the day's issues. If there is no mind connection, then the sex runs out quickly as well.  Miss "W" and I seem to have lots to talk about. I think it's because we are around the same age (Again, I am not telling you. Stop asking!!). We've been through our own hell and survived. It has given us our own unique outlook on life and how we want to live it. She makes me smile everyday. What more can I ask for?

I called my folks yesterday. Had a great chat with them. I sure do miss them. I would love just to be able to pop over for a coffee. Or to be able to help my dad out. He needs to put running boards on his truck. There is nothing like helping him out in the garage. It is our bonding time. We talk about so many things and he teaches me so much. About building things, fixing things and about being a man. The kind of man I would like to be. Whether I transition or not hasn't been decided yet. But I still want to be a good man. A strong, open minded, courteous, caring man. I love my parents so much. I try not to worry them. And I don't think I do. Not like my sisters do. I know that for a fact. Maybe it's because I try to be positive about everyday and everything. There is a bright spot in everyday. Sometimes you have to find it, but it's there. I discovered I was no longer happy at my previous job so I found a new one. I try and eat right and exercise (Stop laughing! I do so!) so I have very few health issues. I have wonderful, supportive friends (Thank you Tasha and Myrna and everyone else! Love ya!) I met a wonderful woman is supportive of the changes I am making. Really. Life is really good right now. So why call my folks and bitch about things I can't change? I'm a grown up. I can look after myself and all I need from my parents is their love. I don't need Mommy and Daddy to look after me anymore. I think my sisters have forgotten about that part. Whether it is asking Mom and Dad for money, or continually bitching about aches, pains, jobs etc, we were taught to stand on our own feet. And I have done that since I graduated from high school. Yes. They have helped me out once in a while but they taught me to pull myself from my boot straps and move on. Life lasts a long time. so you better learn how to roll with the punches and how stand up when you fall.

Wow. I had a lot to say today. Thanks for listening.

"Pretty pretty please! Don't you ever ever feel like you're less then f**kin perfect!"


Thursday, November 10, 2011


So here I sit at home on a Thursday night. Listening to my Ipod and writing this blog. Oh and I am doing laundry, texting with "W" and cleaning here and there. I know. What a multi-tasker I am.

It has been a great week. Even though my sleep was off a little bit and it made me a bit grumpy, a few text messages from "W" put a smile on my face. Plus, getting a new job. That's pretty cool. It pays more money, is the same hours I am working now and I can walk to work. Plus, there is more opportunity to learn and move around. I like that too. And it is back in the safety field. I like that even more. Though I can't be a field medic anymore, I still want to be involved in safety. And this job is a great way to do that. I am really excited about it.

What ca I say about "W"? I like her a whole lot. The more we talk, the more we seem to click. She "gets" me you know? She understands. And she is more then willing to let me explore the new me. She even calls me Oliver. I love that! There is a vibe we are sharing that is pretty intense right now. She has asked that we wait for 90 days and even though it will be really tough to rein myself in, I think I can do it. I have a lot of respect for her and I think waiting will be good for both of us.

Of course, our second date is tomorrow and I am getting a zit on my chin. Dammit.

She is coming to my place to ccok me dinner. Wonder if I can talk her into cleaning for me too? MMMM??? Maybe not. But it might be worth a shot. I don't mind cleaning really. But I can usually find something else to do. Like trimming my toenails or trying to touch the tip of my tongue to my nose. Doing laundry sucks too. The machines in my building suck the big one.

Anyway, back to me. I am nervous about tomorrow but so excited too. This is a big thing for me. Taking things slow. Getting to know someone before go on to the next step. I usually do it the other way around. But i've discussed that already.  I am looking forward to snuggling on the couch while we watch movies. Then snuggling in bed. I love snuggles. I miss snuggles. Then I will us breakfast in the morning. I think just having someone here with me will be awesome.

I think I am ready for a grown up relationship. Or at least I hope so. it will be a brand new journey and adventure.

"He was the ghost of a texas ladies man."


Friday, November 4, 2011

Friday night is all right......

Watching TV and reflecting on my week. It's been a gooder for sure. Better then I thought it would be. Here's why.

One of the women who gave me her number, well, we had a date yesterday. and it went very well. Miss "W" is an awesome woman. and I think I like her. She has been through a lot of shit and is honest about it. I like honest. I thrive on honest. I am done with head games. She is around my age (No. I am not telling you her age. Don't even ask.) And I think this makes her a bit more settled in her life. She still has a fun, adventuresome side but it is also tempered with a "been there, done that" attitude. We talked a lot and plan on seeing each other again. And I am looking forward to it. She has also read my blog. And she still wants to see me again. Guess I made a good impression.

This is a chance to learn how to be "me" in a relationship.  As Oliver. It will be a new adventure. I feel I have good support from my friends and co workers as well. The Christmas party is coming up next month and Miss "W" is going to be my date. I get to dress in such a way that I am comfortable and she, as any lady will do, is dressing to match me. Or maybe it's me dressing to match her? Either way, I think we will compliment each other nicely.

I wonder how I will do in a relationship with the changes I am making with myself? I know I feel stronger and more confident now then ever before in my life. But I am worried that that I will end up focusing on myself and not paying enough attention to my partner. I know I have made that mistake in the past. And I know it has cost me dearly. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years. And I am aware of the mistakes I've made. Hopefully that will help me to avoid the crash and burn from relationships past.

I think about my family too. How are they dealing with me being public with the changes I'm making? What do they think about it? I did have one cousin and an aunt send me their love. That made me feel good. Even though I am not in regular contact with my siblings, I do want the rest of my family to stay in touch. I don't want to lose them. I want to be able to attend a family get together, with a partner, and feel welcome. Just like I've always been. I may not ever be able to introduce her as my girlfriend, but I still want to be able to be there with her. My family will be respectful. Of that I have no doubt. They have shown it before and always will. But I want to bring someone new into the fold and have them pat me on the back and say "Good job."

These are questions I have asked myself since I came out. There is nothing new about it. I have always wanted acceptance from my family. Friends have always accepted me the way I am. No questions asked. They just go with the flow. Family though,,,,,not sure why it is so different with them. Maybe because most of them have known me my entire life. Or, I have known them their entire life. They have known me one way  and now have to adjust to knowing me another way. Will it make a difference to them? I hope not. If anyone should accept you for the way you are, it should be family.

To steal an idea from my friend, Birdman, I am going to close with words of wisdom from now on.

Mamas, don't let you're babies grow up to be cowboys.