Sunday, July 20, 2014

Busy Busy Busy

It has been a busy life for me lately.

Work has been really busy. We hired a couple of new people for the front counter. One worked out. One didn't. And we lost someone from our area in the back. Plus, one guy is gone for surgery on his feet and another guy is on holidays for two weeks. AND, I am going away for 3 days this upcoming week for training. AND, the powers that be have decided I need to be trained on how to fix fire extinguishers.Which normally would not be a big issue but I am busy on my end, and, as I mentioned before, we are short staffed and I have to help out on the front counter. The guy who is training me is also worse then a child when he doesn't get his way.  After a day and half of training, he has already berated me for something that was out of my control and I have already swore at him and walked away. I think the word we are looking for is "clusterf**k."

All I can hope for is that things will settle down. I hope.

On a happy note, I have a dog now. I know. Surprise surprise for those of you on Facebook. Ha Ha!

She is a cocker spaniel named Bella but I call her Boo. She is brown and white and a total sweetheart. Very shy and timid though she is coming out of her shell a bit more now. She was given to me by friends about a month ago. We had a rocky start but we are settling in together nicely.

We go for walks 4 or 5 times a day. She sleeps on a doggie bed beside my bed. Though she would be really really happy if I would let her sleep on my bed. But the bed belongs to the cats. I put a smelly t-shirt on her dog bed so she can smell me and feel comfortable. Seems to be working so far.

I am amazed how different I feel having a dog. I know I had Abby a few months ago but this is my dog. I don't have to give Boo back. She is mine. Even though she has a huge lazy streak, once she gets going on our walks, she is good. I feel all the stress from my day fading away while we walk. I watch her trot along beside me, stopping to sniff stuff and smiling up at me. Her little tail nubbin wagging and everything gets better. Boo has some anxiety but we are working on it. With drops in her food and just trying to be calm around her. I try and push her comfort zone a little bit though. She is staying at Tasha's house while I am gone. With her 2 dogs and another one she is babysitting. I think she will be fine. I am more worried about her figuring out the doggie door.

I am looking forward to going away for training. It will be the only "vacation" I get this summer. Because of the way the flights work out, I end up with about a day and half in Calgary to hang out. I am having a wonderful friend from high school and I get to have a sleep over P.J party with my scuzzin and we are going to spend time with our cousin. Like a mini family reunion. Scuzzin is taking me shopping as well. Now that I have lots a few pounds. And since my twin sis is coming to visit in September, I want some new jeans for pictures we are getting done while she is here.

I found out recently that the doctor I had in town is gone. Which sucks because we have a doctor shortage here. Now, in order to re new my prescriptions, I have to go to a new walk in. Normally this would not be an issue but with me being transgender, I see it as being a problem. There were things I was working with my doctor on and now I don't know if those things are going to get taken care of. And I am not sure what that is going to do when I need more referrals in the future if I can't get another doctor. It makes me feel frustrated and scared. And I am not sure what I can do about it. Moving to another city is not really an option. I have a life here and a good job. Plus, the doctor shortage is pretty much everywhere. So frustrating.

OK. I have to go and do laundry. So I can pack for my trip to Calgary next week.

Bro code Article # 35

A Bro never rents a chick flick.


Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day... and other random thoughts.

My Dad.

What can I say about him. He taught me so much. I can remember being a kid and being fascinated by him. I remember his whisker rubs. The Aqua Velva he wore. His little feet and chicken legs. I remember helping him work on stuff. Sometimes whether I wanted to or not. But I did learn a lot. I love my Dad. Today, when I get into a situation I am not sure about, I stop and think, "What would Dad do?" He helps me everyday. I wish we lived closer together so I can spend time with him.

I feel like I got the best of both world sometimes. Having grown up as a girl, I was taught all the domestic stuff girls were taught. But I was also a tomboy. I always ended up outside with Dad learning how to do stuff. Like change the oil in my car, how to gap spark plugs, how to adjust a carb, change a tire. He showed me what it meant to help people without expecting anything back. How to stand up for myself. How to walk away. To be honest. To work hard and play hard. How to laugh and how to cry. He was not always the perfect Dad but he is my Dad. And that makes him more the OK.

I love you Dad.

Onto other things......

My friend A moved away yesterday. I miss her already. I don't have a lot of friends and very few I feel totally comfortable with. And she was one of them. I could always be honest with her. She always made me feel good about myself.

We met a few years ago. My boss at the time hooked us up. We met for coffee at Timmie's then went to a park to talk. She invited herself to come with me to the Happy Homo camp out. I was like, "OK." Thinking this chick has some balls. But away we go. There was much drinking and laughter that weekend. I had a crush on her. And she had a crush on someone else. After we got back, she was awesome enough to tell me she had a crush on someone else and let me down easy. She didn't just cut me out of her life. And I think that cemented our friendship. We laugh about that weekend a lot now. And never regret that it turned out the way it did for us. I love you Monkey butt.

There has also been some other drama in my world. And I hate drama. And I told someone what I thought and it didn't go over very well but you know what? I don't care. I live a simple life with low drama and it makes me happy. People need to get over themselves and learn drama does not have to happen. From now on my motto is "Not my circus. Not my monkeys."

On a happy note, I have a new great nephew who will be two weeks old tomorrow. I am very excited about that. He had a rough start but I feel confident he will be OK. He is a fighter.

My nephew and his wife are having twins. The babies are due next month but there is a small issue so Mommy and Daddy are headed to Vancouver to be on the safe side. It seems there is not enough room for the twins. Baby boy is a little over 5 pounds but baby girl is around 3 pounds. Baby girl has a bit of a heart murmur that the docs figure will work itself out when she is born. I am really looking forward to being able to meet the little wigglers when they get home. I have a soft spot for twins. :)

Apparently my last post offended some people. Enough that they unfriended me from Facebook. I was a little surprised at that. Only because I state in the intro of my blog that if I offend people, oh well. This blog is about me and my journey. It is my life we are talking about here. And my thoughts are, put on your big person pants and deal with it. If you can't, well, smell ya later!

Once again, I am not the information station for transgender people. I can only tell you my journey. And to be honest, my journey has been pretty easy compared to other stories I have read. I know how lucky I am. My family and friends have been very supportive. My work has been really awesome. I have not felt scared or intimidated in this town. So many think this place is "red neck" central but it really isn't. I feel safe here.

I don't mind questions about my life. I am pretty willing to answer questions about it. If someone wants to know how to start to transition, I can tell you how I started my journey. Not everyone does it my way. If you are starting your transition and need an ear to talk to, I can listen. But I really do recommend finding a support group. Even an on-line one. With people who have completed their journeys or are close to it. I am still pretty new at mine. I struggled for a long time about transitioning. But when I decided it was something I had to do. That I couldn't live the way I was anymore, I went for it. And I have never looked back. There are many things that have happened in the last year and a half that I have not talked about on here. Because it not anyone's business. And whether a question is asked in love and understanding, by a lesbian or straight person, if I don't want to answer it, I won't. All I ask is the understanding that I am exercising my right not to answer something. It is not my "duty" or "obligation" to answer any and all question directed at me. Do your own research. The interwebs has lots of information.

It is time for me to get on with my day. Have a great Father's day everyone.

The Bro Code Article # 12

Bros shall not share dessert.


Monday, May 19, 2014

A crowded mind

I had an email this morning from a friend of mine. She forwarded a question from a friend of hers. It was about how Transgendered people identify. For example, a FTM who still dates women, are they now straight?

Though it seems very straight forward, it isn't.

Something I have discovered in my journey as a Transgendered man is that gender, sexuality and identity is very fluid. And that a lot of Trans, gender binary, cis and asexual people hate being pigeon holed into a certain category.  They don't want to be referred to as a particular gender and some prefer to be called "they".

To be honest, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And I have done a lot of research on it. Because I am curious and want to know what the hell. Plus, I get a lot of questions. Like the one I was asked this morning.

Now, no offence to my friend who asked or to the person who asked her but, truthfully, it isn't anyone's business who any of us is attracted to. To assume makes an ass out of you and me.

So my answer to that question is, thank you for asking but truthfully, it is none of your business.

That is also my answer to whether or not I have had surgery yet. Or whether or not I have a penis. Or want a penis. Or how do they make a penis? Yes. I write about these things in my blog. Because it is kind of mass media. Faceless. It is not a single person I am talking to. I am talking to a nameless, faceless group of people. And I have made it quite clear that this is MY journey. Not every Transgendered persons journey.

I read a very interesting article on questions posed to Trans  people that non Trans people ask. One was about genitalia. Do you have a penis? Do you want a penis? Do you have a vagina?

Now imagine being asked those questions.

How do you feel? Uncomfortable? Offended? Pissed off? Do you ask these questions of non Trans people?

Why should it be any different for me? Or for any other Trans person? I certainly don't ask people about their junk. So why do you think it is OK to ask me about mine?

I do not hide the fact that I am a Transgendered man. I try not to announce it too loudly but I will not deny it. When I meet new people, I don't ask if they have had surgeries. I don't ask if they have the genitalia they think they should have. It's rude. And really personal. Seriously, if you are that interested in how surgeons make a penis or vagina, You Tube that shit. Trust me, there are a lot of videos out there on the subject. That is how I learned about it.

I am passing very effectively as a man now. Most of my co workers are using my preferred pronoun and all is good. Very few are using my old name. Just people who were friends with my parents and don't know what the scoop is. I am not going to tell them. But if they ask, I will explain. Will I talk about any surgeries etc.? No. That is on a need to know basis. If I don't think you need to know, then I won't tell you.

Your best bet when seeing me or meeting for the first time is to ask me how I am. And my answer will be I am fine. Happier then ever before. That is really all you need to know. The people who need to know about certain things know about them. You, as in the general public, does not need to know. And if you are still really curious and want to know, Google it. There is all sorts of info on Transgender people and transitioning.

Also, something else I want to clarify. I am Transgendered.

  1. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender

That is me. 

And I hate the word "Tranny". It makes me feel cheap. Some people don't mind being called a "Tranny" but I hate it. I identify as a Transgendered man. Not a gay Transgendered man or a straight Transgendered man. I am Transgendered.

As I mentioned before, there are many ways people are self identifying these days. Hell, I had to look up what "CIS" gender was. (If you want to know, Google it.) And I don't get why we have to split into so many categories.They say they don't want to be "assigned a certain gender" but then identify as "gender queer" or "asexual". Really? Aren't you just putting yourself into another type of pigeon hole?  It is all so confusing to me. Sometimes I think I might be just to simple to understand. Or maybe not informed enough on these things. I have never been very political. But I read a lot. And I still don't understand. There seems to be so much splintering in the LGBT community. I feel like I don't want to be a part of it anymore. My community will be my friends and family. Whether they are straight, gay, trans, or whatever. So long as we love and respect each other. 

I am living my life according to my beliefs. To make me happy. Not to make everyone else happy. I am not trying to be a poster boy for Transgendered people. I am not the information station on Transgendered issues. In fact, I am pretty sure my thoughts and attitudes differ from a lot of Trans people. I never have been and probably never will be an activist for LGBT issues. Not because I don't care. I do. But it is just not something I am interested in doing. I think the best example I can set is just by being me. 

All I am and all I ever will be is me. Just me. 

To thine own self be true, 


Friday, April 25, 2014


No. Not me you silly asses. I am talking about a book a friend of mine wrote.

Well. She drew the book. 

It doesn't have words. But it doesn't need words. It speaks right to the heart. 

It is the wonderful story of birth, growing and letting go. All told with wonderful hand drawn pictures. 

And if I could figure out how to post a picture from the book on this blog with Windows F**KING  8, I will do it. 

That is her website. You should check it out. 

JC (that's her name) also writes (draws) a blog. I "met" her through Chris Bird from Change the Topic fame. Amazing the connections that can be made through the inter webs. 

Anyway, she is a super talented artist of every kind. Including motherhood. As far as I know, her three kids are alive and well. She is the one who "toonswagged" me a while back. Made even me look all handsome and studly. 

Hey! Look! I figured it out!

Look at how beautiful the drawing is! Now that is talent! 

I think that says it all. 

As I was reading the book, I found myself smiling, laughing and a little choked up all at the same time. She says so much with her drawings. She proves that words are not always needed . 

I highly recommend this book to one and all. We all have Mom's. And this is an amazing tribute to those who raised us. You can find this book as well as her first book, The Last Snowman, on Createspace and Amazon. 

Trust me. You need this book. 


Sunday, March 2, 2014

Cold winter days

The poor dog is getting so bored. It has been close to -40 with the wind chill this past week. We go for our walks everyday but she wants to play. It's just too cold for both of us. She holds up different paws after just a few minutes outside. We played fetch in the house last night just to break the boredom. It is supposed to warm up a bit next week so we will be back playing in the snow soon.

It's been a couple of weeks now that Abby has come to stay with me. We are slowly adjusting to each other. I find that I am sleeping better most nights. I am liking the company she provides. I mean, the cats are great but there is something about a dog. She follows me everywhere in the apartment. Sleeps beside my bed at night. Snuggles on the sofa with me. I love her smile and tail wags when I get home from work. It is magical.

I have to call my doctor next week. I need to make sure he put in my referrals. I have to keep this journey moving forward. I can hardly wait to get going on the next stage. I really want surgery. I really need surgery. I am finding it almost intolerable to see what I see everyday. It's uncomfortable. It's hot. It's itchy. It's stressful. Every time I leave the house, I am always aware of how I look to others. I know it doesn't mean anything but in my mind it does. Do I look like a man? Or just a butch dyke? Can they tell I have boobs? Are they flat enough? Do I need another layer? It is a constant drain on my mind and emotions. I know I still have a while to wait before anything moves forward. I can only hope it goes as quickly as my one year RLE did.

There was a bit of a breakthrough this past week too.

I bought a couple pairs of pants for my Mom and sent them to her. Turns out they were way too big. She called me at work to tell me about it and to say she was shipping them back. Now the breakthrough comes from the fact she asked for me by saying Dustin. And in the course of our conversation, she referred to me as "he".

Do you know how huge that is for her? It is showing a level of acceptance that I never thought I would have from my Mom. Her initial reaction to me transitioning was so negative. So to have her say my name and call me by my gender in just over a year since I told her is amazing. I am so very proud of her. I know how hard this is on her. I know she worries about me a lot. But I think she has realized that most of the family is supportive and understanding. And now that the other one and I are talking, it makes it easier for Mom as well. She knows that no one is judging her. Or judging me. They are just loving both of us.

It is another short one this week. I just wanted to share my happiness with you. And to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Whether you comment or not, it is so wonderful for me to see people reading it. Thank you for the love and support. It means so very much to me.

I found my Bro codes so here it goes.....

Bro Code Article # 12

Bros do not share dessert.


Sunday, February 23, 2014

Life in a nutshell

So many things going on.

First off, my one year of Real life experience was on the 21st. I went to my doctor before that and got things rolling for all my referrals. He also dropped my testosterone dose a little bit. Apparently I am at the upper level so it is time to dial back a little. Instead of 100 mg every week, I am down to 75 mg. So far so good. I am not noticing any changes. But then, it has only been a couple of weeks.

I shaved my face for the first time too. Not that I had that much facial hair but my " Billy goat gruff" whiskers under my chin were getting out of control. And the side burn on the left side was looking a little scraggly. So I shaved. I have whiskers growing again. Slowly but they are there. My face was itchy afterwards. I did use after shave balm. It felt weird having a smooth face again. I kept trying to play with whiskers that weren't there. I am hoping they will come in thicker and darker.

There was some good news in the family as well. My nephew, Booger and his wife are having twins in July. That will make 5 kids for them. Good thing they are young and energetic. HAHA!
There is some not so good news as well. But I don't have permission to discuss it here so I won't. I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I am now fostering a dog for a friend. Abby. She is a German Sheppard. 9 years old but plays like she is a puppy. Loves the snow. It has been a big adjustment for me. I have to get up earlier to feed her and take her for a walk. Then another walk at lunch time. When I get home from work and then before bedtime. Also some play time in there as well. Thank goodness I live close to a school yard. Lots of space to throw the ball for her. She is not used to having to pee and poop while on a leash but she is getting used to it. She walks on the leash really well but isn't very traffic smart. So we are working on that. And she is nervous around people she doesn't know. Otherwise, she is very calm and quiet. So very smart. Even the cats are getting used to her. Fidget is in love with Abby. Monty is trying to figure out how to play with Abby. And Bean isn't hissing anymore and will be in the same room with the dog now. I guess that is all I can ask for.

Now onto a few personal things.

I seem to be going through something I can't put words too. I don't want to be touched. My skin feels weird. I am so uncomfortable in my body right now. I have no sex drive. I am feeling the need to hide away when I am not at work. Which is why Abby is so good for me right now. She won't let me hid away.
Anyway, my mood hasn't been the greatest. I am pushing people away. Reverting into myself. Which really isn't new. I do tend to do this once in a while but it seems amplified this time. Maybe because of my transition. Maybe because of other things. I don't know. I just know I feel scared and weird in my skin. I am trying to deal with it as much as I can. Trying to find words to describe what I am going through is hard. I just know that I have to keep fighting for myself. Everyday is a new day. And everyday I look for something good and happy. I have too. Because if I don't, I really will lose my mind.

I seem to have missed placed my Bro codes. So I will leave you with this little nugget instead.

Rah Rah Rasputin. Lover of the Russian queen.


Sunday, January 12, 2014

Long time coming

I have written this blog in my head about 10 times. But I could never seem to actually get my ass over to the computer to start writing. I finally decided today was the day.

So here it goes.

Christmas. Here and gone. Thank goodness. This year was a good one though. Spent the night at Tasha's. We opened presents, had breakfast, watched a movie, had a nap. All in all, a great day. Boxing day was spent at her Mom's house with the family. I enjoyed that as well. Though I was given a hard time about the size of my left over containers. I just wanted to make sure I had enough because the food was so awesome.

New Years was spent with my lovely woman in Prince George. We had a quiet evening watching movies and "entertaining" each other. I seem to have passed the complete pet test as well. Abby, the reluctant snuggler, was happy to see me and came around in about an hour of me being there. And Milo, the shy bedroom dweller, decided he liked me enough to wake me up in the middle of the night with kisses. He was the last hold out.  G and I also took the dogs for a walk with her friend A and her doggie pal Maggie. It was a lot of fun! Though Abby and Roxie almost yanked my shoulders out the sockets. A also joined us for a dinner and movie night. G and I also spent an evening with J and Z playing cards. Who knew G was such a card shark though! That night, we brought Angus the pit bull with us. He was such a good boy! Just hung out with us, played tug with J and chilled out. I ended up having quite the "bromance" with Angus. Such a good boy.

I have almost completed my one year of real life experience for my transition. February 21 is the day.

I can remember feeling so frantic about starting. I was so disappointed that it was going to take so long to get started. The wait to see Dr. Warneke seems like such a long time. I thought I was going to go crazy from all the waiting. And now my year is almost up. It seems to have flown by. Amazing.

Next step is to get my referrals into the mental health professionals. That appointment can be done over video conferencing which is cool. That means I shouldn't have to travel to Vancouver for an appointment. I also need a referral to the plastic surgeon and to a gynaecologist. The plastic surgeon is of course for my top surgery. To get the girls gone. It will most likely be a long wait for that. The gyno is for a hysterectomy. See, I can not legally change the gender on my Saskatchewan birth certificate until my uterus is removed. I need a signed letter from all my doctors saying that my "Sexual Reassignment Surgery" has been completed. I know it will still be a long road but it is so worth it. Surgeries don't bother. I am not scared at all. I just want them over with. So it is one less thing I need to think about.

I have had a couple of intense conversations about my transition lately. See, for me, every time I leave my house, I feel like I am on display. I know my appearance is pretty much male by now. I have some great facial hair coming in. Lots of long peach fuzz under my chin I like to call my "billy goat gruff" whiskers. My voice has dropped nicely, though it does crack once in a while. I am binding effectively. Not quite flat chested but layers and the proper shirt helps cover that. I guess my issue in being out in public is a lack of self confidence my appearance. Maybe when I grow more facial hair I can pass easier. Maybe when I lose some weight I can pass better. Maybe when my voice deepens some more I can pass better.  All these things go through my mind from the moment I leave in the morning till I get home at the end of my day. It is so very draining. It causes my social anxiety to go through the roof sometimes. Those are the days I can't face the world at all. I may call in sick or just stay inside all weekend. In order to protect myself, I have built a huge wall around my emotions. To protect myself from the negativity I face. The unfortunate thing about that, is it can keep the people I care about at an arm's length. I am trying to learn how to open myself up more. Teach myself I am strong enough to handle the pain and hurt people can inflict. What a stranger thinks about me or says to me really doesn't matter. At least, that is what my head says. My heart is different. Trying to get the two of them to synch up is hard. But I am trying.

So that is where I am at now.

Thanks for reading.

Bro Code Article  # 114

If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. if he stays longer then a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer then two months, he shall steam clean the couch of have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.