Sunday, April 29, 2012

So I was thinking,,,,,,

Ever have those days where it hurts to think about anything? Not like "Oh My God! I am so hungover and my brain hurts!" kinda hurt but emotional hurt? Like you think" your heart is breaking because you can't stop thinking of bad stuff and you feel like crying" kinda hurt? Yeah. Me too. I had a day like that yesterday. It sucks. Big time.

Turns out I missed taking my meds in the morning Not sure how or why I still forget. I have only been taking them for two and a half  years. But, I still forget. Mostly on weekends. Since I don't really have a morning routine like I do during the week.  And I realized that it is NOT a good idea to stop taking them. Not a good idea at all. If only one day of missing makes me feel that way, then I am really not ready to stop.

I remembered to take them this morning. So stop worrying about it.

I have just over a month till I fly out for Birdman and Mrs.Birdman's wedding. I know I am terribly excited. I can't even imagine how excited they are. Woo! I will miss the bachelor party. But I guess i can't have everything. Mrs.B's sister was looking at Pride activities around the area. Turns out there is one happening nearby. That's pretty cool! I took a look and the parade a d dance are happening the same day as the wedding. So I guess I won't be attending that. But there are other things happening I might be able to get to.

I have also been looking into Blue Jays tickets. Much more reasonable in price then I thought. So I think I will try and take in a game while I am there. I am hoping that someone will want to go with me. (I'm talking to you Chin) or (Maybe you Scooter)

I seen Dr.J last week. Still not so sure about her. I am still feeling that I can bullshit her. And it's almost like all she is doing is going through the motions. I realize she has many patients. But it's like she isn't putting in the work that I am trying to do. She has given me a list of books to read. On co-dependence. As the adult child of a recovering alcoholic , co dependence comes with the territory. There is also a long term relationship with an alcoholic that plays into that. I know there are things I can do to help myself away from those tendencies. And it would be a good thing for sure.

I guess I don't have that much to say today. (Sorry Birdman.) If I think of stuff later, I'll post more. In the meantime,,,,

We're here a good time, not a long time.


Monday, April 23, 2012

Becoming Oliver: The voices in my head,,,,,,

Becoming Oliver: The voices in my head,,,,,,: Well. I'm back. Birdman, once again, kicked my ass to write. What he doesn't know is that I have been writing this blog in my head for the l...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The voices in my head,,,,,,

Well. I'm back. Birdman, once again, kicked my ass to write. What he doesn't know is that I have been writing this blog in my head for the last week or so. It's been hard to translate onto the keyboard. That has always been a problem. Getting the words out of head and into print. So to speak.

It's been an interesting week. There was a very huge, heartfelt conversation with a person I love dearly. Who I can't imagine my life without. Many things that were said made me re think a lot of stuff. Stuff that I have been thinking about for a while.

What am I talking about you ask?

I am talking about my decision to transition.

Now I am not so sure that going through the process is really the right thing for me. I am thinking that just being me, as I am now, might be enough. I still want to get another binder. Still want to go by Dustin. But I'm not sure if testosterone is something I need to do. Maybe surgery isn't something I need to do.

I was made to realize that my decision just doesn't affect me, but those I love as well. I have to also take those people into account. I can still be the "man" I want to be. Just without removing anything. Maybe "man" isn't the right word. I can still be me. There are things I can do to get the look I want without injecting drugs in my body. Without invasive surgery. Without taking the risks I would have to take if I do go through with it.

During the conversation, I was told that everyone would have to learn how to relate to me as someone new. Even though I would still be me. Just a different gender. But that gender change would change everything about me. The drugs I would have to take would change my personality. Maybe bring out the things about me I don't like and maybe will isolate me from the people I love.

Love. That's another one. I know transgender people can find love. I have seen it happen. But, living where I do, what are my chances? Am I willing to wait and wait for someone to love? Someone who will love me? My chances of finding my lobster are much higher as a butch lesbian then as a transgender man. I know. I know. My lobster will love me no matter what. But first, I have to learn to love myself. I think this what this journey I am on is all about. Learning to love myself.

Will the journey ever end? I don't know. I know there are things I can do to make me more happy with me. Things that will boost my confidence. Which in turn, make me feel like I deserve to be loved. Not just by me but by others as well. 

Truly, all I want is to be happy. Doesn't everyone want that? I don't want to be alone in my life. I want more then my cats for companionship. (They are shitty at conversation.) Someone I can laugh with and cry with. Someone to go for walks with and yell at the TV during sporting events with. Someone to snuggle at night and someone to roll over and wake up with a kiss.

Not too much to ask I hope.

I know a lot of these thoughts have to do with the amount of time it is going to take to even see a doctor who knows about gender issues. At least a year. Maybe more. A little daunting I might say. Of course I know that things would be moving along much quicker if I moved to Vancouver or Edmonton or another large city. But really, I don't want to. Prince George maybe. But not Vancouver. *shudders*

I know there is no rush to change. I can't rush. It will take too long to even get started. If I manage to get in to see a gender specialist, well, I guess I can make the decision then. In the mean time, I can just try and be the best me I can. 

Being called "he" or she" doesn't really matter to me. It is social convention that one has to be called something. Like I said before, so long as I am called Dustin, I am cool with "he" or "she".  Maybe my transition is writing this blog.  Maybe that is what my journey is supposed to be.

I have an appointment with Dr.J tomorrow afternoon. Still not sure about her. I am thinking I need to go see someone else. I am not feeling the connection with her. I feel like I can bullshit her and she will never know. That's not a good thing. I don't have any trust with her. I know that she is not an expert on gender issues but I feel like she has no knowledge at all. Asking me questions that are inappropriate. In my mind at least. I am willing to drive to Dawson Creek if that is where I would have to go. At this point, I think not seeing anyone at all will be better then seeing her.  

I will let you know what happens.

She wore a pearl necklace


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life in the Trans lane

First off let me say, WOO!! I have 12 followers! Woo! I know more then that actually read my blog. And share it. And I love that! I feel like I have to share my story. If only one post helps someone else going through what I am am going through, then baring my soul is well worth it. The worst feeling in the world is feeling alone. Especially when going through something like this. So please, feel free to talk about the blog, share the blog and spread the word.

OK. Onto the merriment.

So I decided to drive to my Mom and dad's house on Easter weekend. To surprise my Mom for her birthday. It was a long drive but so worth the look on her face. I love her so much. And my Dad. He was pretty happy to see me too.  Since I didn't tell anyone I was coming, I surprised EVERYBODY!! LOL It was so great to see my aunts and a couple of cousins. I also got to see my niece and her husband. And spend time with their kids. I love those kids!! And I got to see my nephew and his girlfriend. I even seen the "other"one. And I was nice. It was tough but I was. Mainly for Mom. She wants so much for the three of us kids to talk to each other. But I just can't relate to them. Like I am sure they can't relate to me.  They are not the kind of people I would be friends with. And I am tired of trying to adjust MY life to fit into THEIR little box.

Mom sent me home with some paperwork and a bag full of stuff toys to give to the "older" one. For her kids and the grand kids. I texted her and she stopped by work to pick it up. Couldn't be bothered to say two words to me. So whatever. Didn't even ask me about the paperwork from the folks. Which I asked if Mom and Dad talked to her about it. Kind of important stuff. But, she didn't want to know or talk about to me about it. I hope she does talk to parents about it. It is things she needs to know. Even if it will probably piss her off. But again, not my problem. My parents did what they think was best.

Sometimes I wonder how such different people can be born and raised in the same family. What made me different?  What made me decide to live my life with an open mind? Why am I the way I am? And please don't say it was "God". I don't believe in God. Seems improbable to me. For a full rant on God and religion, please read . Birdman has the same views I do. Sometimes I look at the two of them and shake my head. How did they even make to adults? No. I don't have kids or grand kids. It is a choice I made early in life. And I never actually ever felt grown up to have children of my own.  I never had a problem drugs or booze. I have pretty much supported myself since I was 18. But I have done nothing in my life I am ashamed of. Nothing. I don't think the two of them can say that.

The wedding of Birdman and the Mrs. is coming up quick. I can hardly wait! I want so much to go and have an adventure. Be someplace I have never been. See things I have never seen. Meet people I have never met before. I really have no plans while I am there. Besides the wedding. There is also talk of a fishing trip on Lake Ontario. I'm not even sure where I am staying when I get there. In the past, something like this would have panicked me. But now it doesn't. Amazes me how much I have grown and changed. I feel much more confident now. I missed this feeling.

So Miss "R". Things didn't work out. As you know, we had an awesome first "date". And things looked like it was going well.  But then, she had a talk with herself and realized that she couldn't continue with me. Not because she wasn't attracted to me. Or didn't like me. But because I am transitioning. She realized that she didn't want to be with a man. Even an incomplete one like me. Someone asked me if I was mad about her choice. I said no. Which is true. She is being honest. With me and with herself. Herself being the important one. I know what it is like to live a lie and live your life for someone else. It never works out. I am disappointed more then anything. I really liked her. I still do. And I can only wish her the best. I hope she finds who she is looking for.

Things stopping the way they did has made me re think a few things though. I am still waiting to hear from the gender clinic. It makes me wonder if this really is the right path for me. Do I continue trying to transition? Or do I keep "passing"? Binding the "girls" down and changing my name to Dustin and leaving it as that?  I mean, if it is going to take this long just to see someone who can say, "Yes. You are fucked up and should be a man. Go see this doctor and he will give you good testosterone."  What is going to make me happy? I don't know. I am feeling very frustrated and trapped. Like a rat in a maze. Except the rat gets out it eventually. I can't seem to find the exit. There are a few things I need to do for myself I think. I want to start going to the gym and working out. I know that if I build my upper body, it will give me a more masculine appearance. Losing weight will make the "girls" smaller and easier to bind down. It will also make it more comfortable to bind them down.

I feel like I am at a cross roads again. And I hate that. I hate it. With all that I am I hate this feeling. I love my name though. It fits. I feel like it should have been my name from the beginning. I just don't get why I am going through an identity crisis at my age. (Again. I am NOT telling you.) I guess all I can do is what I have been doing my whole life. And that is going to sleep and waking up the next day. And look for the good in everyday. And just try and be the best me I can be. Whoever me is.

Mi vida loca, over and over. Welcome to my crazy life.


Sunday, April 1, 2012


I have a video date with Miss "R" tonight. In about an hour actually.


No. Not really. I am not really that nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous but not as bad as I thought I would be.  I think maybe it is because we have been e mailing and texting for a while now. I feel comfortable with her. She is a really cool lady with a great sense of humour. She has been damaged in her past but seems to have quite a good handle on it and has worked hard to get past it. I can really respect that. Because that is where I am at too. Trying to get past everything.

The old fight with the "other" one threatens to rear it's ugly head. As much as I would like to respond to the latest, ummmm, move, I guess you could say, I am leaving the game.  It is not fun and not good for my mental health.

My mental health. There's another one. I had an appointment with Dr.J this week. I went well I suppose. I didn't leave feeling like anything was accomplished. I felt like I had to explain a lot of things to her that I feel she should know. Like being transgendered has nothing to do with sex. It's not about how we have sex or what we use to have sex. I felt she was asking me some inappropriate questions about sex.  I have been e mailing with a woman who has gone through the entire transition. Male to female. She has been a great support and full of information. Dr.J asked me about how she has sex.  I was a little taken aback by that. Why would I need to know how this woman has sex? Why would I ask? I don't ask other women how they have sex.  I don't even really talk about my sex life with "T" who knows more about me then anyone else in the world.

Being transgendered has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with how I see myself. I don't see a woman. I see a man. And the fact that I don't see that in a mirror, pisses me off.  The fact I can't shave. The fact that I have breasts that get in the way. That I have to bind them down to make myself look like the picture I see in my head.  The fact that I am still called by my female name when I want to be called by my new name. It is so frustrating!!

I know I can have my breasts removed. It may take a few years but it can be done. As for a penis, well. That is a different story. There are a couple of different surgeries available to "make" one. But they are risky and there is no guarantee that it will look or function as a penis. I believe it maybe easier to use a fake penis. There are many on the market. Ones I can use to fill out the front of my pants. Ones I can use to stand and pee. Ones I can use to have sex. Seems the safer way to go. Of course, going on testosterone will change my body in ways that will be unexpected.

I just want to start.

It's time to start my life the way I want to live it. Not how my family or society thinks I should live it.

The thought of moving has come up again. I am realizing that staying here is probably not the best thing for me. The treatment I want is hard to come by.  And I am still seen as my old self. If I move to another city, I can start live as Dustin. A re birth so to speak. And a place with more community then I have now. Since I am no longer "in" with the local gay community. Whether by choice or not, I am not there. And that's OK. I guess they are friends that weren't real friends anyway.  I have been thinking about moving a lot over the years. even before I decided to transition. Prince George has always been an option. I have friends there. Friends I know will support me. One in particular that would be THRILLED to have me move closer.  To be honest, I can't see myself living anywhere else.  It is still north. It's a city but not a huge city like Vancouver. Or Edmonton.  I feel comfortable in Prince George. Jobs are available.

OK. it's time for my date. Be back later.

(4 hours later)

OMG!! That went so well!!!  We talked and talked and talked!! Wow! She is something!! I am even more attracted to her now. And yes. I told her. About me. transitioning. And she is cool with it!! Wow. We are planning another video date. Not sure when but I am really looking forward to it. She makes me smile. Alot. and says that she is still attracted to me and says I am attractive!! Wow.

Have I said that too much? Too bad.


Love is a stranger in an open car.