Sunday, April 1, 2012


I have a video date with Miss "R" tonight. In about an hour actually.


No. Not really. I am not really that nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous but not as bad as I thought I would be.  I think maybe it is because we have been e mailing and texting for a while now. I feel comfortable with her. She is a really cool lady with a great sense of humour. She has been damaged in her past but seems to have quite a good handle on it and has worked hard to get past it. I can really respect that. Because that is where I am at too. Trying to get past everything.

The old fight with the "other" one threatens to rear it's ugly head. As much as I would like to respond to the latest, ummmm, move, I guess you could say, I am leaving the game.  It is not fun and not good for my mental health.

My mental health. There's another one. I had an appointment with Dr.J this week. I went well I suppose. I didn't leave feeling like anything was accomplished. I felt like I had to explain a lot of things to her that I feel she should know. Like being transgendered has nothing to do with sex. It's not about how we have sex or what we use to have sex. I felt she was asking me some inappropriate questions about sex.  I have been e mailing with a woman who has gone through the entire transition. Male to female. She has been a great support and full of information. Dr.J asked me about how she has sex.  I was a little taken aback by that. Why would I need to know how this woman has sex? Why would I ask? I don't ask other women how they have sex.  I don't even really talk about my sex life with "T" who knows more about me then anyone else in the world.

Being transgendered has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with how I see myself. I don't see a woman. I see a man. And the fact that I don't see that in a mirror, pisses me off.  The fact I can't shave. The fact that I have breasts that get in the way. That I have to bind them down to make myself look like the picture I see in my head.  The fact that I am still called by my female name when I want to be called by my new name. It is so frustrating!!

I know I can have my breasts removed. It may take a few years but it can be done. As for a penis, well. That is a different story. There are a couple of different surgeries available to "make" one. But they are risky and there is no guarantee that it will look or function as a penis. I believe it maybe easier to use a fake penis. There are many on the market. Ones I can use to fill out the front of my pants. Ones I can use to stand and pee. Ones I can use to have sex. Seems the safer way to go. Of course, going on testosterone will change my body in ways that will be unexpected.

I just want to start.

It's time to start my life the way I want to live it. Not how my family or society thinks I should live it.

The thought of moving has come up again. I am realizing that staying here is probably not the best thing for me. The treatment I want is hard to come by.  And I am still seen as my old self. If I move to another city, I can start live as Dustin. A re birth so to speak. And a place with more community then I have now. Since I am no longer "in" with the local gay community. Whether by choice or not, I am not there. And that's OK. I guess they are friends that weren't real friends anyway.  I have been thinking about moving a lot over the years. even before I decided to transition. Prince George has always been an option. I have friends there. Friends I know will support me. One in particular that would be THRILLED to have me move closer.  To be honest, I can't see myself living anywhere else.  It is still north. It's a city but not a huge city like Vancouver. Or Edmonton.  I feel comfortable in Prince George. Jobs are available.

OK. it's time for my date. Be back later.

(4 hours later)

OMG!! That went so well!!!  We talked and talked and talked!! Wow! She is something!! I am even more attracted to her now. And yes. I told her. About me. transitioning. And she is cool with it!! Wow. We are planning another video date. Not sure when but I am really looking forward to it. She makes me smile. Alot. and says that she is still attracted to me and says I am attractive!! Wow.

Have I said that too much? Too bad.


Love is a stranger in an open car.



  1. You know I'll always support you and be there for ya, no matter what road you go down or what city you live in. (((((hugs)))) All the best to you always. :)

  2. I want you to live wherever you feel happiest. You should see if you can't arrange an appointment with a therapist in Toronto while you're here. They must have some that specialize in this type of counseling.

    Love you,

  3. Yay! Glad your date went well. Good for you for listening to your heart, and a big 'thank you' for sharing your journey.