Sunday, April 22, 2012

The voices in my head,,,,,,

Well. I'm back. Birdman, once again, kicked my ass to write. What he doesn't know is that I have been writing this blog in my head for the last week or so. It's been hard to translate onto the keyboard. That has always been a problem. Getting the words out of head and into print. So to speak.

It's been an interesting week. There was a very huge, heartfelt conversation with a person I love dearly. Who I can't imagine my life without. Many things that were said made me re think a lot of stuff. Stuff that I have been thinking about for a while.

What am I talking about you ask?

I am talking about my decision to transition.

Now I am not so sure that going through the process is really the right thing for me. I am thinking that just being me, as I am now, might be enough. I still want to get another binder. Still want to go by Dustin. But I'm not sure if testosterone is something I need to do. Maybe surgery isn't something I need to do.

I was made to realize that my decision just doesn't affect me, but those I love as well. I have to also take those people into account. I can still be the "man" I want to be. Just without removing anything. Maybe "man" isn't the right word. I can still be me. There are things I can do to get the look I want without injecting drugs in my body. Without invasive surgery. Without taking the risks I would have to take if I do go through with it.

During the conversation, I was told that everyone would have to learn how to relate to me as someone new. Even though I would still be me. Just a different gender. But that gender change would change everything about me. The drugs I would have to take would change my personality. Maybe bring out the things about me I don't like and maybe will isolate me from the people I love.

Love. That's another one. I know transgender people can find love. I have seen it happen. But, living where I do, what are my chances? Am I willing to wait and wait for someone to love? Someone who will love me? My chances of finding my lobster are much higher as a butch lesbian then as a transgender man. I know. I know. My lobster will love me no matter what. But first, I have to learn to love myself. I think this what this journey I am on is all about. Learning to love myself.

Will the journey ever end? I don't know. I know there are things I can do to make me more happy with me. Things that will boost my confidence. Which in turn, make me feel like I deserve to be loved. Not just by me but by others as well. 

Truly, all I want is to be happy. Doesn't everyone want that? I don't want to be alone in my life. I want more then my cats for companionship. (They are shitty at conversation.) Someone I can laugh with and cry with. Someone to go for walks with and yell at the TV during sporting events with. Someone to snuggle at night and someone to roll over and wake up with a kiss.

Not too much to ask I hope.

I know a lot of these thoughts have to do with the amount of time it is going to take to even see a doctor who knows about gender issues. At least a year. Maybe more. A little daunting I might say. Of course I know that things would be moving along much quicker if I moved to Vancouver or Edmonton or another large city. But really, I don't want to. Prince George maybe. But not Vancouver. *shudders*

I know there is no rush to change. I can't rush. It will take too long to even get started. If I manage to get in to see a gender specialist, well, I guess I can make the decision then. In the mean time, I can just try and be the best me I can. 

Being called "he" or she" doesn't really matter to me. It is social convention that one has to be called something. Like I said before, so long as I am called Dustin, I am cool with "he" or "she".  Maybe my transition is writing this blog.  Maybe that is what my journey is supposed to be.

I have an appointment with Dr.J tomorrow afternoon. Still not sure about her. I am thinking I need to go see someone else. I am not feeling the connection with her. I feel like I can bullshit her and she will never know. That's not a good thing. I don't have any trust with her. I know that she is not an expert on gender issues but I feel like she has no knowledge at all. Asking me questions that are inappropriate. In my mind at least. I am willing to drive to Dawson Creek if that is where I would have to go. At this point, I think not seeing anyone at all will be better then seeing her.  

I will let you know what happens.

She wore a pearl necklace



  1. I am really enjoying this journey with you. I'm not sure where we'll end up, but I'm on board. Glad you are really asking yourself the hard questions, and not shying away from the answers. You are charting new territory's okay (actually it's REALLY OKAY) to take your time and be sure. We are behind you 100%! :)

  2. Thanks Gerri. I am just trying to muddle my way through. I thought growing pains lke these were over but I guess I can be happy for still having them. It means I am growing and learning. And welcome aboard! Liquor in the front, poker in the rear!

  3. I hope this doesn't sound too corny, but you will always be the perfect Dustin to me - Butch Lesbian or Transgender man. And for what its worth, this heterosexual woman can't find her lobster either!

  4. I am really loving your blog. I found you from Birdman's post and have read down to here. It sounds like we are on similar journeys at the core. (It also sounds like you should break up with your therapist.) Hugs to you, you're beautiful!

  5. Thanks Lilly! I am happy that I can share my journey and allow my voice to heard. I know many who can't. Glad you signed on for the ride! Enjoy the rest of the entries!