Sunday, December 25, 2011

Becoming Oliver: Christmas Morning

Becoming Oliver: Christmas Morning: Spent just the way I like it. Sleeping in. Relaxing cup of coffee. Nice chat with the folks. Oh and a few snuggles from the fur kids before ...

Christmas Morning

Spent just the way I like it. Sleeping in. Relaxing cup of coffee. Nice chat with the folks. Oh and a few snuggles from the fur kids before my bladder made it quite clear it was time to get out of bed. I even got a few text messages from friends. And a couple of girls I have been chasing on and off for a while. Maybe the Christmas spirit will kick in and get me some very soon. (Did I say that out loud? My bad.)

I do have to tell you that I am not a big fan of the Christmas season. I hate Christmas music with a passion. (GAG!) Spending money on presents bugs me a lot too. I don't make that much money and having to dole out cash because it's the "season" irritates me. I don't mind buying for the kids. That's OK. And I don't mind buying for my best friend or parents. They do so much for me during the year, it's the least I can do. Everyone else can hang it though. I don't expect presents from everyone so why should I buy for everyone?

And all the false cheerfulness bugs me. The fake smile and hearty "Merry Christmas." If you don't want to say, don't. Tell me to bugger off or stick it up my ass instead if that's what you are feeling. I say it when I feel it. Not because I have to. I don't mail out Christmas cards either. Sorry.

Bah. Humbug.

I do like spending time with my best friend. And to me, that makes Christmas worth it. I always love spending time with her. Today, we will exchange our gifts to each other, have dinner, moan we ate too much then watch movies. It will an awesome, relaxing evening. And no booze.

That's right. No booze. After eight years of sharing Christmas with a partner who was drunk from the beginning of the month to the end, I declared that from now on my celebration would be booze free. I don't need the drama of a drunk pissing and moaning about life and death in my ear for a whole month. I dealt with that every weekend we were together. You think she would give it a break at some point. But no. It only got worse. Now, it is not my problem anymore and I really hope she isn't doing it to someone else.

Sorry. I'm a little grumpy. It happens.

I think New years will be spent with a buddy of mine. We haven't spent much time together lately but we are like that. I asked her if she just wanted to lay around on her couches and watch movies, eat junk food and completely miss midnight. She said she would think about it. I thought about heading out of town for New years. In the hopes of sneaking a kiss from a cute woman, but......I don't think I want to do that this year. It's money I don't really need to spend.  Maybe in February I'll head to Prince George. Girls tend to be a bit more needy at the time.

Sounds a bit underhanded I know but I'll take every advantage I can. I think my buddy, Smarty Pantaloons will understand.

I've been thinking about New years resolutions  as well.  I don't normally make them because i don't want to not do it and feel like a failure. But this year I think I will make one. One that i can keep if I just get stubborn about it. I want to lose some weight. Before Birdman's wedding in June. I eat not too bad right now. I'm doing good on avoiding the junk food. Though I have been indulging in chocolates this year. I just need to exercise more.  I would love to drop say, 10 lbs before June.  If anyone has any tips or hints on how to do that, please, let me know. I'll take any help I can.

I'm going to sign off now. Before my grinchiness gets any worse.

Little Miss, Little Miss Can't be wrong


Monday, December 19, 2011

It was a great,,,,


What were you thinking? Dirty minded person you are.

Last night, I got a call from an old friend of mine. (Sorry Rimbey. But you are older.) We had lost touch but never lost each other. Somehow, someway, I knew I could find her if I needed her. And she could find me if she needed me. 

We were on the phone for 2 hours. It was so awesome to connect again. We talked about everything and anything. Just like we used too. I would call her on Friday night, late, because I knew she was studying. And we would talk for a couple of hours. I miss that. She told me I wasn't allowed to call her that late anymore. She needs her sleep. Of course, she IS older then me now. ( Gotcha Rimbey!!)

I've missed you my friend. I will call you on Boxing day and we will have another chat.

Rimbey confirmed what I had known for years. I was miserable as a teenager. I think I mentioned I was the classic tortured teenager. We all know why. I have to say that it isn't like that anymore. I am happy now. Ever since I made the decision to transition, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The same I did when I finally admitted I was gay. It's an amazing feeling.

And the question of how far I want to take my transition has come up in a few different conversations lately. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I am going to have surgery. I don't know about the testosterone yet. I haven't talked to my doctor or my shrink yet. It maybe a while before I even get on testosterone. I guess it depends on whether or not they think it is something I need to feel normal.

And then I got an email from Lori. My cous. She is the most I tell ya! I know that whatever else happens in my life, she has my back. Just like I had hers when her brother would pick on her when we were kids. Remember that Lori? I do believe I beat him up a few times. HAHA!!

I spent my Saturday night being a D.D for a Christmas party. It was fun. I didn't get home till 2:30 AM. But I got quite a few folks home safely. And I made some cash. So it was cool. There was one young girl who had way too much way too early. Took two of us to get her into the house. Then I had to promise to go find her boyfriend before she would even sit down. I remember being that drunk before. I was so embarrassed afterwards. I don't know how people can't be. some of them seem to have no shame about being that drunk. Maybe I have too much self respect to drink that much very often. I figure if I get drunk once every couple of years or so, I'm good. I am going to have a few drinks at my buddy's wedding in June. There will also be a lot of dancing and carousing.

Well, my mind is empty. (Never mind.) Remember,

You must be crazy for me.



What do you all think of the Name Dustin Tanner Carnell

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I should clarify,,,,

When I wrote this statement,"Some days I feel that the only people who love me for me is cats.", what I meant was that I don't have a girlfriend or partner sleeping beside me. I know I have friends and family that love just as I am. And I am so thankful for that. I know how lucky I am.

I have chatted on line with a lot of women in various chat rooms. I've heard so many horror stories of these poor people who have lost their friends and even family by coming out. I couldn't imagine how devastating that would be. My experience was pretty easy.  Well, as easy as coming out to your parents can be after breaking up with your first girlfriend.

Let me explain.

I had gone to Grande Prairie to hang out with my girlfriend and a friend for my birthday. Turns out, she dumped me. So, broken hearted, I came home. My room mates told me my phone had been ringing off the hook all weekend so I went to check my messages. I called my younger sister back and heard that my older sister had been beaking off to Mom about me living with a couple of lesbians. That one was a former drug addict. Mom, of course, got really worried about me. She had told my younger sister about it. So I decided I should go talk to my mom as soon as possible. Like that night.

So I head to Mom and Dad's. I make an excuse that I need something from downstairs and Mom, of course, follows me. I started telling her that I really was gay. And that I felt happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe my whole life. There were a few tears. From both of us. Mom said she kinda knew from the time I was a child. (I was and still am a total tom boy.) That she wondered if she had done something wrong. I told her it was not her fault, that I was born this way and even though I just had my heartbroken by my first girlfriend, I was still happy. Then I asked her not to tell Dad. That I wanted to tell him. Then I headed home to mend my poor heart.

Mom went upstairs and told Dad.

His reaction, "Well, I guess she has to try everything once."

I know. Still makes me laugh.

My point, and I do have one, is that my folks never once thought of cutting me out of their lives. Neither has the rest of my family. My aunts and uncles and all my cousins, everyone has been supportive. As for the on going drama with my sisters, it has nothing to do with me being gay. It is more of a difference of opinion thing.

I know the changes I am making now might be surprising to some family members. To others, they may not understand why I need to do what I am doing. But they will always be there for me. As will my friends. And if they walk away during this time of transition, well, they weren't really friends anyway right?

Back to my original point, I want a girlfriend who will snuggle with me, kiss me and support me. Someone who loves me for me. Just like my cats do.

Is that too much to ask?

I didn't think so.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

It's Saturday!!!

I slept till 1:20 PM today.

I know.

But it felt soooo good! Not that I had a long hard week at work or anything. It was a fairly normal week. Just busy enough to make the day so fast but not overwhelming. So it was good. I even starting doing fit testing on my own. (Fit test: Making sure the mask of an SCBA is fitting properly so you don't get gassed if the is a sour gas leak. Kinda a good thing to do.) The boss is even thinking of sending me out into the field, when needed, to do fit tests. I love my job!

My friend, Birdman, gave me shout out on his blog today. Thanks Man! Anyone reading my blog should check out his. It's amazing!   I promise you will laugh, cry, smile , frown and come away thinking a little bit differently about things.  Check it out.

Someone left a comment  asking me if I had talked to my family about the changes I am making in my life. I admit I answered a bit snarky. I am sorry for that. I had just had a conversation with my older sister and it made me grumpy. As usual. The reason I haven't talked to my family about what I am doing is because I am not on casual speaking terms with my sisters. I have decided that, for now, little to no contact with them is what's best for me. They are rather negative about some things and I do not need that right now. As for my parents, I think it is a conversation I should have face to face with them. I am not sure if they know about this blog or have read it. They haven't mentioned it when we talk. But I think after the initial shock, they will be supportive. They will never block me from their life. I know that. I feel secure in that.

Some days I feel that the only people who love me for me is cats. Really. They are always good for a snuggle. They are sad to see me leave in the morning for work and so happy to see me when I get home. When I wake up in the middle of the night, there is always one or two on the bed with me. For the record, I have 3 cats. And I am not the crazy cat lady. Or crazy cat guy. Whatever. If I had a house with a yard, I might have a dog. But I don't think it is fair to have a dog in an apartment. Even a small dog. They need free access to the outside and apartment living doesn't offer that. Cats are a little easier. Though scooping litter boxes is not a favourite chore of mine.

I went out today for a bit. To the big department store. I will not tell you it's name because I hate the fact I have no choice but to shop there. Anyway, I was dressed as "Oliver". I was amazed at how many looks I didn't get. Most people just looked right past me. Though one woman did do a double take then wrinkled her nose like she was smelling something foul. I looked her right in the eye and smiled and winked.  She gave me another look then turned her back. I giggled to myself and moved on. I love doing that to people. Female or male. It really makes them uncomfortable. I know it seems ignorant but then, I think it is ignorant of them to look at me that way. You are not allowed to look at a handicapped person that way. So why should you look at me that way? I'm still a human being with feelings that can get hurt.

I think that is what gets forgotten sometimes. I have feelings. As do all gay people. Birdman mentioned people saying "gay" like it's a bad thing. He doesn't agree with it. And neither do I. It pisses me off. I don't walk around saying, "That's so straight!" when I don't like something. It sounds stupid. So why is saying "That's so gay" acceptable? I think maybe people should think about that next time it pops out of their mouths.

This was a rambling one again. But then, my mind rambles a lot. Focus is something I have to work at. Ha ha.

Till next time, just remember,

I wanna see how lucky Lucky can be.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

I have a strange mind

Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you are thinking. But sometimes my mind surprises even me.

So here's what happened. I woke up at 5:30 Am, with a wicked toothache. Something I have been fighting for a few days. And yes. I know there are things called dentists. There is also something called money to pay for said dentist. Next payday, I am so going and getting this damn tooth pulled.

Back to my story. Screaming toothache, couple of hours sleep. So I get got up and took a couple of T-1's.  I decided to fool around on Facebook while waiting for the meds to kick in. Then I went back to bed. With an ice pack on my face. I finally fell asleep and managed to have a very wicked ass dream. (This is where the strange mind comes in.)

There was a lion, a wedding, some really badly dress drag queens and a preacher.

You can start laughing now.

What I remember is the lion wandering around in the background, acting like a big old house cat. The drag queens were actually bridesmaids. Dressed in very ugly bridesmaids dresses with loud, gawdy Mimi make-up. Turns out I was getting married. To a woman with dark hair. Shorter then me (but in the dream I was much taller then I really am), I was dressed in white (!) and my bride was dressed in black. I was standing behind her. And we were standing in a bedroom. The preacher (yeah I know) was sitting on the bed. He started the ceremony but answered a text message, then a phone call. I could feel myself getting madder and madder. Then he answered yet another phone call. That's when I lost it and yelled profanities at him.

Then my alarm went off. LMAFO - Sexy and I know it.  You can now start rolling on the floor laughing.

This is why I say I have a strange mind. Number one, I do not want to get married. Ever. And gawdy drag queens. Really? Nothing against drag queens. Love them! But probably not as my "bridesmaids". And then there is a preacher. A preacher. Ummmm, yeah. Not likely. Considering my views on religion. The only thing that kinda makes sense is the lion being a house cat.

Dreams are funny things. From what I understand, they mean something completely different then the images you "see". I'm not sure if I want to know what the dream means. It scares me. I know my mind works in strange ways. I don't really need to know how strange.

What makes me the happiest, is that I can actually fall into a deep enough sleep to dream. For years I didn't remember my  dreams. I don't think I was in a deep enough sleep. I certainly dream now. Wow. I believe we have discussed my angry dreams. I also have dirty dreams. Those are my favourite. I have such a dirty mind. Sometimes I feel like a teenage boy in the morning. If you know what I mean.

This was a rambling post but I still hope it was entertaining.

Ooooh, dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooooh, dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Hi. It's just me. Testing to see if the email thing is working. Is it? Post a comment and let me know.

And the verdict is,,,,,

Well. I guess that's that. Turns out Miss "W" and I want completely different things. She wants a boi toy. I want a relationship. I clearly remember telling her that on our first date. I was expecting a relationship after our 90 days of "getting to know each other". I'm not sure what she was expecting at the end of it. She wanted to be exclusive in dating. Fine. She wanted to wait for 90 days. Fine. That sounds a lot like a relationship to me.  Doesn't it?

I guess there are more fish in the sea. Or lobsters. I want a lobster. I know it can happen. It has happened to 2 friends of mine so I know it can. I just have to be patient. Good thing I like fishing. :)

My friend, "H" gave me a couple of great presents today. She gave me a calender full of pictures of trans men. So beautiful and inspiring. And she gave me a book on drag kings. She is so awesome! She always manages to find cool things like that for her friends. I am lucky to have her as my friend. Hugs "H"!

I am still loving my new job. Everyday I learn something new and everyday I am busy doing something. We got paid yesterday. I am getting paid more then they first told me so that made me very happy. Finally I can feel less stressed about money. I can have more of a social life. Especially now, a social life seems important to me. Trying to transition and all. I will be able to afford trips to Prince George, even to Edmonton maybe. I will be able to afford the things I need to make me feel more comfortable in my body. That makes me happy.

Ok. I don't get it. What is this "just want to have a good time" shit all about? Are you really that insecure that you have to be in charge of everything? Dictating how and when we will see each other? I don't get it. Maybe I am old fashioned or something but I think everything should be 50/50. I am glad that we figured out this issue before we went any further. I don't want to just be a play date for someone. Been there. Done that. Don't want to go through it again. I thought she heard me when I told her that. Maybe she chose not to hear me. I don't know. Sorry for jumping back into the Miss"W" thing with no warning. But really, it bothers me. I try to be honest and open. And I try to be heard, but somehow, I always seem to get bit in the ass. What the hell is it about me? I know I have to pick better women. I thought being with someone older would help with that. I guess not. Games are played no matter what age. Do I exude some sort of scent that draws unstable women to me? Not all have been unstable. But a few have been. I just can't figure it out.

Women. Sheesh!

"I'm not here for you're entertainment."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hi. It's me again.

So. Sunday afternoon. I managed to sleep half the day away. It felt glorious!! God I love sleeping. Maybe because I didn't do it for so many years. Before I was on sleeping pills, I can't remember the last time I had a great night's sleep. I was lucky if I slept for 4 hours without waking up. Then trying to fall back to sleep for 30 mins. Before waking up again in 2 hours. Made for a very restless night. Even now, I sleep for 5 hours at a time before waking up. But I fall back to sleep quicker. And I do into a deeper, more restorative sleep.

Enough my sleeping patterns. As fascinating as it is,,let's move onto other topics.

I start my new job tomorrow morning. I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I think it will be a good match for me. I will work around people but will still be mostly on my own. I like that. I will be learning new skills and taking on new challenges. That's the exciting part. More money will be awesome as well. WOW! I might be able to have a social life again. Go to the movies. Take my girl on a dinner date.

Ahhhh yes. My girl. It's been a while since I have been able to say that. But that's how I think of her now. Amazing how that works. The more we talk, the more connected I feel. Making me wait for 90 days is paying off. Getting to know each other first is the biggest turn on ever. Really it is. I guess I am finally becoming a grown up and realizing sex isn't everything. It's a big part of it but you had better be able to talk to your partner afterwards. Be able to sit at the dinner table and talk about the day's issues. If there is no mind connection, then the sex runs out quickly as well.  Miss "W" and I seem to have lots to talk about. I think it's because we are around the same age (Again, I am not telling you. Stop asking!!). We've been through our own hell and survived. It has given us our own unique outlook on life and how we want to live it. She makes me smile everyday. What more can I ask for?

I called my folks yesterday. Had a great chat with them. I sure do miss them. I would love just to be able to pop over for a coffee. Or to be able to help my dad out. He needs to put running boards on his truck. There is nothing like helping him out in the garage. It is our bonding time. We talk about so many things and he teaches me so much. About building things, fixing things and about being a man. The kind of man I would like to be. Whether I transition or not hasn't been decided yet. But I still want to be a good man. A strong, open minded, courteous, caring man. I love my parents so much. I try not to worry them. And I don't think I do. Not like my sisters do. I know that for a fact. Maybe it's because I try to be positive about everyday and everything. There is a bright spot in everyday. Sometimes you have to find it, but it's there. I discovered I was no longer happy at my previous job so I found a new one. I try and eat right and exercise (Stop laughing! I do so!) so I have very few health issues. I have wonderful, supportive friends (Thank you Tasha and Myrna and everyone else! Love ya!) I met a wonderful woman is supportive of the changes I am making. Really. Life is really good right now. So why call my folks and bitch about things I can't change? I'm a grown up. I can look after myself and all I need from my parents is their love. I don't need Mommy and Daddy to look after me anymore. I think my sisters have forgotten about that part. Whether it is asking Mom and Dad for money, or continually bitching about aches, pains, jobs etc, we were taught to stand on our own feet. And I have done that since I graduated from high school. Yes. They have helped me out once in a while but they taught me to pull myself from my boot straps and move on. Life lasts a long time. so you better learn how to roll with the punches and how stand up when you fall.

Wow. I had a lot to say today. Thanks for listening.

"Pretty pretty please! Don't you ever ever feel like you're less then f**kin perfect!"


Thursday, November 10, 2011


So here I sit at home on a Thursday night. Listening to my Ipod and writing this blog. Oh and I am doing laundry, texting with "W" and cleaning here and there. I know. What a multi-tasker I am.

It has been a great week. Even though my sleep was off a little bit and it made me a bit grumpy, a few text messages from "W" put a smile on my face. Plus, getting a new job. That's pretty cool. It pays more money, is the same hours I am working now and I can walk to work. Plus, there is more opportunity to learn and move around. I like that too. And it is back in the safety field. I like that even more. Though I can't be a field medic anymore, I still want to be involved in safety. And this job is a great way to do that. I am really excited about it.

What ca I say about "W"? I like her a whole lot. The more we talk, the more we seem to click. She "gets" me you know? She understands. And she is more then willing to let me explore the new me. She even calls me Oliver. I love that! There is a vibe we are sharing that is pretty intense right now. She has asked that we wait for 90 days and even though it will be really tough to rein myself in, I think I can do it. I have a lot of respect for her and I think waiting will be good for both of us.

Of course, our second date is tomorrow and I am getting a zit on my chin. Dammit.

She is coming to my place to ccok me dinner. Wonder if I can talk her into cleaning for me too? MMMM??? Maybe not. But it might be worth a shot. I don't mind cleaning really. But I can usually find something else to do. Like trimming my toenails or trying to touch the tip of my tongue to my nose. Doing laundry sucks too. The machines in my building suck the big one.

Anyway, back to me. I am nervous about tomorrow but so excited too. This is a big thing for me. Taking things slow. Getting to know someone before go on to the next step. I usually do it the other way around. But i've discussed that already.  I am looking forward to snuggling on the couch while we watch movies. Then snuggling in bed. I love snuggles. I miss snuggles. Then I will us breakfast in the morning. I think just having someone here with me will be awesome.

I think I am ready for a grown up relationship. Or at least I hope so. it will be a brand new journey and adventure.

"He was the ghost of a texas ladies man."


Friday, November 4, 2011

Friday night is all right......

Watching TV and reflecting on my week. It's been a gooder for sure. Better then I thought it would be. Here's why.

One of the women who gave me her number, well, we had a date yesterday. and it went very well. Miss "W" is an awesome woman. and I think I like her. She has been through a lot of shit and is honest about it. I like honest. I thrive on honest. I am done with head games. She is around my age (No. I am not telling you her age. Don't even ask.) And I think this makes her a bit more settled in her life. She still has a fun, adventuresome side but it is also tempered with a "been there, done that" attitude. We talked a lot and plan on seeing each other again. And I am looking forward to it. She has also read my blog. And she still wants to see me again. Guess I made a good impression.

This is a chance to learn how to be "me" in a relationship.  As Oliver. It will be a new adventure. I feel I have good support from my friends and co workers as well. The Christmas party is coming up next month and Miss "W" is going to be my date. I get to dress in such a way that I am comfortable and she, as any lady will do, is dressing to match me. Or maybe it's me dressing to match her? Either way, I think we will compliment each other nicely.

I wonder how I will do in a relationship with the changes I am making with myself? I know I feel stronger and more confident now then ever before in my life. But I am worried that that I will end up focusing on myself and not paying enough attention to my partner. I know I have made that mistake in the past. And I know it has cost me dearly. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years. And I am aware of the mistakes I've made. Hopefully that will help me to avoid the crash and burn from relationships past.

I think about my family too. How are they dealing with me being public with the changes I'm making? What do they think about it? I did have one cousin and an aunt send me their love. That made me feel good. Even though I am not in regular contact with my siblings, I do want the rest of my family to stay in touch. I don't want to lose them. I want to be able to attend a family get together, with a partner, and feel welcome. Just like I've always been. I may not ever be able to introduce her as my girlfriend, but I still want to be able to be there with her. My family will be respectful. Of that I have no doubt. They have shown it before and always will. But I want to bring someone new into the fold and have them pat me on the back and say "Good job."

These are questions I have asked myself since I came out. There is nothing new about it. I have always wanted acceptance from my family. Friends have always accepted me the way I am. No questions asked. They just go with the flow. Family though,,,,,not sure why it is so different with them. Maybe because most of them have known me my entire life. Or, I have known them their entire life. They have known me one way  and now have to adjust to knowing me another way. Will it make a difference to them? I hope not. If anyone should accept you for the way you are, it should be family.

To steal an idea from my friend, Birdman, I am going to close with words of wisdom from now on.

Mamas, don't let you're babies grow up to be cowboys.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Today's blog is brought to you by.....

The words, HUNGOVER! Well, not today. But yesterday. And it was so well worth it.

I was in Dawson Creek for The coldest Pride in the country. Needless to say, It was a fantastic show and a great dance. I ran into some old friends and made a few new ones. I drank a lot, danced a lot and even managed to get a couple of phone numbers.

Yeah!! I know!!

Alas, at this point, it appears nothing will come out of having these numbers besides a couple of new friends but that's OK. I put myself out there and it felt pretty good. I figure you can't win them all. Not that I didn't try! I really did.

I think the best part was chatting with my friend,"J". She is amazing and I love her to death!! She gave me some awesome tips about becoming a drag king and being transgender. I would have loved to talk some more but the show and dance was going on then I was hungover,,,,,so it just wasn't the right time. But what she did tell me made complete sense to me. It felt like someone finally understood what I am going through. I feel that I have a mentor now. I feel like I can be braver and move forward with things now. I knew I had the support from the people around me but not someone I could ask questions to. Someone who has been there, done that. I think that is where my confidence Saturday came from.

Well, that and the double spiced rum and 7's. My God! Now I remember why I don't drink much or very often. It was awful! The headache that didn't quit then the upset tummy showed up. I did drink lots of water before bed. And I did take Tylenol. But it didn't really help. The only thing that seemed to make a difference was the Alka Seltzer. Amazing stuff!!

Back to my story. Even though I was shot down by two different women in the last two days, I still feel very up and very positive. I know that my lobster is out there. I just need to get out more myself. And I think with my new found confidence, I am ready to do that. I have to put myself out there if I am ever going to meet someone. And now that I am getting more and more comfortable with my body and mind, it should be a little easier for me.

Plus, the thought of moving has come up again. To a bigger place for a fresh start. Someplace where people don't know me as well. Then the changes I want to make won't seem so dramatic. I can be known as who I want to be known as rather then dealing with people who don't remember or refuse to acknowledge me as me.

I think that is all I want. To be seen as me. Not as some one's daughter or sister or aunt. Just as me. This is me. I am Yvette. I am dyke. I am transgender.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Hang on. Let me re fill my coffee cup.......

Ahhh. That's better. MMM I love coffee. Good coffee. Not the crappy stuff you get at Starbucks. That tastes like sewer water. The best coffee I have ever tasted is at a cafe in Dawson Creek called Cafe Europa. OMG It's good!!

Why did you let me get off on a coffee tangent? You should really not let me do that.

So dreams. I have had some funky ones this week. Dreams of building something with steel girders. Dreams of meeting my lobster. Dreams of what my lobster looks like. (If you are wondering what I mean by "lobster", think back to Friends. Lobster means soul mate.) Dreams of my friends wedding next summer when I get to dress in a suit and be a groomsman.  There have also been angry dreams. I dream of hitting someone, knocking this person down and then beating the crap out of him/her. This person doesn't have a face or gender. It's more like a faceless, genderless shadow. That doesn't scare me. What scares me is the emotion behind it. The intensity of the anger. And the joy I feel from beating the living s**t out of this person.

I have always felt anger. I can remember being very angry as a child. I used to get into fights with my sisters all the time. Punching them. Kicking them. I even remember getting into a fight with my best friend over a football game.  It was scary how angry I got. I was angry all through my teenage years as well. It was a hellish way to spend my days and nights. I am actually very surprised I never fell into drugs or alcohol. I guess I went into myself instead. Which can be as dangerous. Living with depression and anxiety that went undiagnosed for years and years. I am very glad I am getting the help I need now.

But I still want to know where this anger is coming from. I am tired of being angry all the time. It makes me isolate myself. I hate that. I get lonely. I will never meet my lobster if I keep that up. But I also know that the changes I am making in my life right now makes it hard to meet someone. I am putting a lot of my attention on me. Learning how to be more comfortable in my body. And with who I want to become.

And I have this friend(really! I do!) who has become my inspiration for the man I want to be. He is strong, hardworking, loving, funny, sweet, emotional. He is always there for me with words of encouragement for what I am trying to do. I find myself standing like him, and walking like him. He walks with such confidence. I have noticed that a lot of women walk with their heads down and shoulders down. Not sure why that is. So I make the effort to walk with my my head up, shoulders up and with confidence. It seems to have improved my attidude a lot. I feel stronger. Still angry but stronger.

I never used to dream this much. Or at least, I never remembered my dreams. But since I have been on my meds, I am sleeping better and dreaming more. Not just angry dreams but just dreaming in gemeral. Vivid dreams. I really should put a book beside my bed to record them when I wake up. I don't really want to know what they mean. That might be too much information for me. I just want to be able to shake my head at the things my head comes up with while I sleep.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Keep dreaming.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sunday morning musings

Ok. So it's been about a week. Sue me. I was tired all week. I work hard ya know!

I've had many thoughts running through my head this week. Lots of up and downs. I think I am catching a cold so I am trying to medicate and drink lots of water. I hate having colds. They suck.

My dad called me this weekend. Because he just wanted to chat. He missed me. We had a great talk. Talking about lots but nothing really important. The kind of conversation Dad and I would have puttering around in the garage on a Saturday afternoon.

Though my relationship hasn't always been peaches and cream. Far from it. Dad and I are a lot alike and that can cause some problems. We have been known to have screaming matches when we piss each other off. I didn't like my Dad very much when he drank. And even after he quit drinking, he was still an asshole. But the birth of his first grandchild really mellowed him out. I think that was the first time I stood up to my Dad and demanded he treat me with respect and as an adult. We've had the discussion a couple of times since. Just kinda a reminder that I am not like my sisters. I did not quit school, I have been gainfully employed since my graduation. Yes. I did make a few bad choices but I never ended up in an abusive relationship or addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have occasionally asked my parents for help with money. Never large amounts and only when I had no other choice. I figured after my folks giving my sisters money for years because they had kids, I was entitled to asking for a little bit of cash every 10 years or so.

OK. Enough bitching about my sisters. Most of you know how I feel about them and those who don't know, well, you get the idea.

So my Dad. He taught me many things. How to change the oil in my vehicles. How to gap spark plugs. How to replace shocks. How to treat people with respect. How to do things for others without expecting something back. He taught me family is important but there is no need to bow into pressure from them. He taught me how to stand on my own to feet and not let people walk all over me. He gave me my sense of humour and over the years, has shown me it is ok to cry.

Whether he wanted to or not, Dad taught me about being man. He took me under his wing and showed me things he didn't show my sisters. We bonded as men. I admit, I am also a huge Mama's boi but there is something special between my Dad and I. I think if I do decide to transition, it will be my Dad that will be the most supportive. He will have even more to teach me.

In the mean time, I know that as I grow older, the more I turn into my Dad. I look like him, I tlk like him, and recently, I discovered, I walk like him. I am my Dad's mini me. HA! I like that idea. After all, my Dad is my hero.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My thoughts today

Here I am in Bonnyville. With my bff Myrna, her g/f Elsa and Myrna's family. It appears I have been adopted. Again. I love it though. These people are warm and kind and caring and accepting. I feel as comfortable around this family as I do my own or my other bff, Tasha.

Melvin likes it here too. Ahhh Melvin. The dirty sock monkey he is. He has been boob diving. Again. AND he dressed up as a doctor to "examine" Myrna's sister Sherry. It's a good thing he never got caught. Then, after the hospital, he went home with her!! And crawled into bed with Sherry and her husband! The nerve of that cheeky monkey!!!

See that's the thing about Melvin. His only goal in life is to make people smile. He has no agenda. He doesn't care is everyone likes him or if he offends anyone. He is all about the monkey love. Why can't some people see that? In times of great sadness or pain, it is good to have a little smile and a giggle. It's not being disrespectful. It's being human. Or sock monkey as the case maybe.

I used to take life so seriously all the time. I was the classic tortured teenager, living in the basement. I had good cause mind you. I was struggling with my sexuality and not feeling "right" in my body. Then as I grew older and moved out of the basement, there were still struggles of being lonely, dating men because it was the "normal" thing to do. And not feeling comfortable with it at all. I can remember screaming in my head "Someone please look at me! Please help me!!" Then when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I met someone who helped open the door to who I was. It was like a huge boulder had been lifted off my back and the veils over my eyes had been removed. I got it all of a sudden. I really was gay!! The world made so much more sense to me! And what was this new feeling I had? Happiness? What? Really? This what it feels like? I never knew that feeling before. Who needs drugs when you can just be happy!!

It didn't stay that way though. The weight was still gone. But the sadness came back. I made some really bad choices for the few years. And new things have come up to challenge my new found happiness. I've already talked about them here. So I decided to take steps to get happy again. Thank you Tasha. For standing beside me. You are my rock and I love you very much. I know the journey will be rocky and there will be set backs. Hell, there already have been. But I am slowly learning to deal with everything again. And Melvin plays a huge part in that. He makes ME happy. He lets the mischievous child in me be free. But the best part of all? He helps me make other people smile and be happy. When they love Melvin, they love me too. Not that I depend on Melvin to make people love me. Far from it. All it does is double the love. Everyone needs more love in their life right?

I think learning to be Oliver is what I was meant to do and meant to be. It feels so right. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's not the train coming towards me.  I need to make some small steps first but it is just the beginning of my journey. All journeys start with one step right? I am scared of who I will be perceived by strangers. Afraid of the backlash. I do live in a small place after all. But with my friends and Melvin by my side, I should be ok.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Someone please help me!!

I have gotten caught up in watching Dancing with the Stars. A horrible thought! Oh the nightmares!! I admit the only reason I am watching is for the good looking chicks and Chaz Bono. He is not doing so well. He did not inherit his mother's talent for dance that's for sure. But just how brave is he? Letting go and honestly trying his best is so awesome to see.  I actually missed him dancing tonight and feel slightly bummed out about it.

I did manage to read a few articles about his beard. What is the big deal about his beard coming in? He has been on Testostarone for a couple of years and it is bound to happen. I couldn't imagine any Trans man not growing facial hair. It's a right of passage for any man. I would give just about anything for a moustache.

Does that surprise you? I hope not. I hope by now you should be expecting something like that from me. :) But seriously, I have admired moustaches for years. The different looks. The little mousy ones. The bold, strong ones. The Handlebar. Ahhh. The handlebar. One of my friends in high school, her dad has a handle bar that he waxes! I LOVED it! I don't know if I would be suited for a handle bar but I think a maybe a "Magnum" would look nice. Magnum you ask? Magnum P.I. Remember him? He had a great moustache.

Why don't you tell me what kind of moustache you think would look good on me.

This should be fun.........

Sunday, October 2, 2011

To or not to

So much research this weekend. Questions asked and answered. Decisions made and unmade. Yes and no. No and yes. I just couldn't seem to make up my mind. But I think it has come down to this.

Just how far do I want to go? How comfortable will I be with my choices?

How far? As far as I can for now. Comfortable? I think it will make me more comfortable in my skin. The thought of it makes so much sense to me right now.

What am I talking about you ask?

I am talking about "passing."

I am thinking about binding down the "girls" and maybe "packing". I spent my weekend researching binders and packers. (If you don't know what I am talking about, ask Google.") Turns out, I can make both  for relatively low cost and seems very easy to do. My final decision is to make one and buy the other. I'll let you figure out which is which. I wouldn't want to take away all the suspense for you.

I was amazed at the amount of information there was on the interwebs. Of course some of it was not helpful at all. That is to be expected. So much support as well. I truly no longer feel alone in my struggle to find myself.

It also got me thinking about the struggle I've had my entire life for my individuality. How it is so tied up in body image. Generally speaking, I feel fairly comfortable with myself. But things still don't feel right. Things just seem to get in the way. And every time I tried to be a girl, it felt so wrong. So wrong in so many ways. Yes. I have worn a dress. As a small child, my grandmother would make dresses for my sisters and I. As I got older, I voiced my preference and demanded pants. I wore a dress for my graduation. Mainly to please my mother. I wanted to wear a tux or a suit. Again, a dress when I stood up with my sister when she got married. Then I managed to go years without wearing one. I felt confident I would never wear one again. Then 2 of my best friends got married within 2 months of each other. I was a bridesmaid in one and the Maid of Honour in the other. Here comes the dress again. But for them, I did it willingly. I love those women so much and I would do anything for them as they would do for me. I, of course, have voiced my preferance again. Please. NO MORE DRESSES!! I think that is why I was so stoked when my very good friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding next summer. I get to wear a suit! I think it will be a much better fit for me. A chance to spread my fledgling wings into the world of "passing". It will be a blast!

Ok. Back to "passing". It maybe hard for me to do here. So many know me. I may have some backlash because of it. But I think that backlash will be from people who don't know me. Strangers can be so cruel. So uninformed. Ignorant so to speak. I have one friend who is a writer. I love reading his articles on line. He writes of his trials and tribulations as a Transman. It isn't always easy for him but it isn't always hard either. His writings and stories has helped me decide that this is something I need to do and now is the time to do it. Right now, I feel strong enough to deal with the poop people can throw at me. I have a strong base that my parents gave me and a strong base of friends and family for support.

I am looking forward to this new adventure.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Just decided to share my blog on Facebook. A little scary letting EVERYONE read my thoughts. But I think I am ready for the backlash, so to speak. I hope anyone who reads it will be open minded and honest when commenting. Please. Be easy on me. LOL

Today is a laundry day. Washing. Drying. Folding. Putting away. I still need to do dishes, make the bed, vacuum. I think I need a wife. Or at least someone who is willing to help with all these domestic chores. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?

OK. I'll wait.

In the meantime, it's been a hard week. Hard, but rewarding. Feeling empowered by the things I was doing. Just as good as any man. Maybe better in some cases. I still wish I had a penis sometimes. And no boobs. They get in the way most days. I like them, but they get in the way. Bras are uncomfortable. I understand that if I become a drag king, I will have to bind the girls down and that's OK. I can live with that. It will be for the greater good.

This blog really made no sense I guess. Oh well. It's thoughts I had rolling around in my head. They needed to be set free. Now I can concentrate on my house hold duties. Still waiting for someone to help me out. Anyone? Anyone?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

My birthday

So today is my birthday. The big 4-3. Don't feel any different. Not even older. This past year has had a lot of up and downs.  More ups I think. Well, the last few months have been up anyway. There was Pride in Prince George. That was more fun then I could have ever imagined. Chris asking me to be a groomsman. That's pretty awesome. And even though I went back to Saskatchewan for my Grandma's funeral, it was wonderful to see my family.

The only really big downer is the fighting with my sisters. I have managed to piss them off. Again. This has been going on since we were kids. And I'm tired of it. I am not going to play into the games anymore. And if that means I have to change to do that, well, that's what I have to do. Hopefully I will end up a better me.

I'm tired of being angry at them. And tired of having them mad at me. I know that I can't control how they feel. But I think something can be done. I mean, all I can be is honest right? Speak my mind. And if that pisses them off, I guess I piss them off.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Becoming Oliver

I have strange yet oddly familiar thoughts running through my head lately. It is a combination of flashbacks to childhood and wondering why I didn't have a penis and newer thoughts about transitioning to male.
I know right? Seems weird to me too. It's something I have thought about on and off most of my life. I never really thought it was an option for me. It wasn't until a meet a very special person that I realized it is something I can pursue. I have met a few strong and proud butches and Trans men in the last few years. They have become my heroes. I love to listen to their stories about their journeys through life. And I understand and can relate to their struggles as well. It's nice to know I am not alone. And actually watching Chaz Bono's documentary on transitioning and then seeing him on dancing with the stars, being so happy and proud, has been a huge inspiration to me.
I am thearpy right now. Not for this issue but I am sure it will come up sooner or later. There are a few other things I feel I need to work on first. One step towards my journey of self discovery is to break out of my shell. Be more social. Be more comfortable in my skin. and one way I thought I could do that is by becoming a drag king. Performing a lip syncing show in front of real people. It scares the hell out of me at the thought of it sometimes but I also feel empowered. I thought my name would be Oliver Clothesoff. :) Not bad eh?
So, I guess that's it for the first blog. I don't think I will be posting everyday but as often as I can. Come along for the journey. Won't you?