Sunday, October 2, 2011

To or not to

So much research this weekend. Questions asked and answered. Decisions made and unmade. Yes and no. No and yes. I just couldn't seem to make up my mind. But I think it has come down to this.

Just how far do I want to go? How comfortable will I be with my choices?

How far? As far as I can for now. Comfortable? I think it will make me more comfortable in my skin. The thought of it makes so much sense to me right now.

What am I talking about you ask?

I am talking about "passing."

I am thinking about binding down the "girls" and maybe "packing". I spent my weekend researching binders and packers. (If you don't know what I am talking about, ask Google.") Turns out, I can make both  for relatively low cost and seems very easy to do. My final decision is to make one and buy the other. I'll let you figure out which is which. I wouldn't want to take away all the suspense for you.

I was amazed at the amount of information there was on the interwebs. Of course some of it was not helpful at all. That is to be expected. So much support as well. I truly no longer feel alone in my struggle to find myself.

It also got me thinking about the struggle I've had my entire life for my individuality. How it is so tied up in body image. Generally speaking, I feel fairly comfortable with myself. But things still don't feel right. Things just seem to get in the way. And every time I tried to be a girl, it felt so wrong. So wrong in so many ways. Yes. I have worn a dress. As a small child, my grandmother would make dresses for my sisters and I. As I got older, I voiced my preference and demanded pants. I wore a dress for my graduation. Mainly to please my mother. I wanted to wear a tux or a suit. Again, a dress when I stood up with my sister when she got married. Then I managed to go years without wearing one. I felt confident I would never wear one again. Then 2 of my best friends got married within 2 months of each other. I was a bridesmaid in one and the Maid of Honour in the other. Here comes the dress again. But for them, I did it willingly. I love those women so much and I would do anything for them as they would do for me. I, of course, have voiced my preferance again. Please. NO MORE DRESSES!! I think that is why I was so stoked when my very good friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding next summer. I get to wear a suit! I think it will be a much better fit for me. A chance to spread my fledgling wings into the world of "passing". It will be a blast!

Ok. Back to "passing". It maybe hard for me to do here. So many know me. I may have some backlash because of it. But I think that backlash will be from people who don't know me. Strangers can be so cruel. So uninformed. Ignorant so to speak. I have one friend who is a writer. I love reading his articles on line. He writes of his trials and tribulations as a Transman. It isn't always easy for him but it isn't always hard either. His writings and stories has helped me decide that this is something I need to do and now is the time to do it. Right now, I feel strong enough to deal with the poop people can throw at me. I have a strong base that my parents gave me and a strong base of friends and family for support.

I am looking forward to this new adventure.

1 comment:

  1. You can do this easy enough, but don't base your model of a man on me. I'm way too in touch with my feminine side. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.