Sunday, October 9, 2011

My thoughts today

Here I am in Bonnyville. With my bff Myrna, her g/f Elsa and Myrna's family. It appears I have been adopted. Again. I love it though. These people are warm and kind and caring and accepting. I feel as comfortable around this family as I do my own or my other bff, Tasha.

Melvin likes it here too. Ahhh Melvin. The dirty sock monkey he is. He has been boob diving. Again. AND he dressed up as a doctor to "examine" Myrna's sister Sherry. It's a good thing he never got caught. Then, after the hospital, he went home with her!! And crawled into bed with Sherry and her husband! The nerve of that cheeky monkey!!!

See that's the thing about Melvin. His only goal in life is to make people smile. He has no agenda. He doesn't care is everyone likes him or if he offends anyone. He is all about the monkey love. Why can't some people see that? In times of great sadness or pain, it is good to have a little smile and a giggle. It's not being disrespectful. It's being human. Or sock monkey as the case maybe.

I used to take life so seriously all the time. I was the classic tortured teenager, living in the basement. I had good cause mind you. I was struggling with my sexuality and not feeling "right" in my body. Then as I grew older and moved out of the basement, there were still struggles of being lonely, dating men because it was the "normal" thing to do. And not feeling comfortable with it at all. I can remember screaming in my head "Someone please look at me! Please help me!!" Then when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I met someone who helped open the door to who I was. It was like a huge boulder had been lifted off my back and the veils over my eyes had been removed. I got it all of a sudden. I really was gay!! The world made so much more sense to me! And what was this new feeling I had? Happiness? What? Really? This what it feels like? I never knew that feeling before. Who needs drugs when you can just be happy!!

It didn't stay that way though. The weight was still gone. But the sadness came back. I made some really bad choices for the few years. And new things have come up to challenge my new found happiness. I've already talked about them here. So I decided to take steps to get happy again. Thank you Tasha. For standing beside me. You are my rock and I love you very much. I know the journey will be rocky and there will be set backs. Hell, there already have been. But I am slowly learning to deal with everything again. And Melvin plays a huge part in that. He makes ME happy. He lets the mischievous child in me be free. But the best part of all? He helps me make other people smile and be happy. When they love Melvin, they love me too. Not that I depend on Melvin to make people love me. Far from it. All it does is double the love. Everyone needs more love in their life right?

I think learning to be Oliver is what I was meant to do and meant to be. It feels so right. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's not the train coming towards me.  I need to make some small steps first but it is just the beginning of my journey. All journeys start with one step right? I am scared of who I will be perceived by strangers. Afraid of the backlash. I do live in a small place after all. But with my friends and Melvin by my side, I should be ok.


  1. Everyone needs a little monkey love... ;) Looking forward to meeting both of you cheeky monkeys. <3

  2. Melvin had better molest my mother at the wedding, and I'll be very sad if he doesn't. Maybe keep him away from my step-mother though, just a warning. Love you