Monday, October 31, 2011

Today's blog is brought to you by.....

The words, HUNGOVER! Well, not today. But yesterday. And it was so well worth it.

I was in Dawson Creek for The coldest Pride in the country. Needless to say, It was a fantastic show and a great dance. I ran into some old friends and made a few new ones. I drank a lot, danced a lot and even managed to get a couple of phone numbers.

Yeah!! I know!!

Alas, at this point, it appears nothing will come out of having these numbers besides a couple of new friends but that's OK. I put myself out there and it felt pretty good. I figure you can't win them all. Not that I didn't try! I really did.

I think the best part was chatting with my friend,"J". She is amazing and I love her to death!! She gave me some awesome tips about becoming a drag king and being transgender. I would have loved to talk some more but the show and dance was going on then I was hungover,,,,,so it just wasn't the right time. But what she did tell me made complete sense to me. It felt like someone finally understood what I am going through. I feel that I have a mentor now. I feel like I can be braver and move forward with things now. I knew I had the support from the people around me but not someone I could ask questions to. Someone who has been there, done that. I think that is where my confidence Saturday came from.

Well, that and the double spiced rum and 7's. My God! Now I remember why I don't drink much or very often. It was awful! The headache that didn't quit then the upset tummy showed up. I did drink lots of water before bed. And I did take Tylenol. But it didn't really help. The only thing that seemed to make a difference was the Alka Seltzer. Amazing stuff!!

Back to my story. Even though I was shot down by two different women in the last two days, I still feel very up and very positive. I know that my lobster is out there. I just need to get out more myself. And I think with my new found confidence, I am ready to do that. I have to put myself out there if I am ever going to meet someone. And now that I am getting more and more comfortable with my body and mind, it should be a little easier for me.

Plus, the thought of moving has come up again. To a bigger place for a fresh start. Someplace where people don't know me as well. Then the changes I want to make won't seem so dramatic. I can be known as who I want to be known as rather then dealing with people who don't remember or refuse to acknowledge me as me.

I think that is all I want. To be seen as me. Not as some one's daughter or sister or aunt. Just as me. This is me. I am Yvette. I am dyke. I am transgender.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Hang on. Let me re fill my coffee cup.......

Ahhh. That's better. MMM I love coffee. Good coffee. Not the crappy stuff you get at Starbucks. That tastes like sewer water. The best coffee I have ever tasted is at a cafe in Dawson Creek called Cafe Europa. OMG It's good!!

Why did you let me get off on a coffee tangent? You should really not let me do that.

So dreams. I have had some funky ones this week. Dreams of building something with steel girders. Dreams of meeting my lobster. Dreams of what my lobster looks like. (If you are wondering what I mean by "lobster", think back to Friends. Lobster means soul mate.) Dreams of my friends wedding next summer when I get to dress in a suit and be a groomsman.  There have also been angry dreams. I dream of hitting someone, knocking this person down and then beating the crap out of him/her. This person doesn't have a face or gender. It's more like a faceless, genderless shadow. That doesn't scare me. What scares me is the emotion behind it. The intensity of the anger. And the joy I feel from beating the living s**t out of this person.

I have always felt anger. I can remember being very angry as a child. I used to get into fights with my sisters all the time. Punching them. Kicking them. I even remember getting into a fight with my best friend over a football game.  It was scary how angry I got. I was angry all through my teenage years as well. It was a hellish way to spend my days and nights. I am actually very surprised I never fell into drugs or alcohol. I guess I went into myself instead. Which can be as dangerous. Living with depression and anxiety that went undiagnosed for years and years. I am very glad I am getting the help I need now.

But I still want to know where this anger is coming from. I am tired of being angry all the time. It makes me isolate myself. I hate that. I get lonely. I will never meet my lobster if I keep that up. But I also know that the changes I am making in my life right now makes it hard to meet someone. I am putting a lot of my attention on me. Learning how to be more comfortable in my body. And with who I want to become.

And I have this friend(really! I do!) who has become my inspiration for the man I want to be. He is strong, hardworking, loving, funny, sweet, emotional. He is always there for me with words of encouragement for what I am trying to do. I find myself standing like him, and walking like him. He walks with such confidence. I have noticed that a lot of women walk with their heads down and shoulders down. Not sure why that is. So I make the effort to walk with my my head up, shoulders up and with confidence. It seems to have improved my attidude a lot. I feel stronger. Still angry but stronger.

I never used to dream this much. Or at least, I never remembered my dreams. But since I have been on my meds, I am sleeping better and dreaming more. Not just angry dreams but just dreaming in gemeral. Vivid dreams. I really should put a book beside my bed to record them when I wake up. I don't really want to know what they mean. That might be too much information for me. I just want to be able to shake my head at the things my head comes up with while I sleep.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Keep dreaming.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sunday morning musings

Ok. So it's been about a week. Sue me. I was tired all week. I work hard ya know!

I've had many thoughts running through my head this week. Lots of up and downs. I think I am catching a cold so I am trying to medicate and drink lots of water. I hate having colds. They suck.

My dad called me this weekend. Because he just wanted to chat. He missed me. We had a great talk. Talking about lots but nothing really important. The kind of conversation Dad and I would have puttering around in the garage on a Saturday afternoon.

Though my relationship hasn't always been peaches and cream. Far from it. Dad and I are a lot alike and that can cause some problems. We have been known to have screaming matches when we piss each other off. I didn't like my Dad very much when he drank. And even after he quit drinking, he was still an asshole. But the birth of his first grandchild really mellowed him out. I think that was the first time I stood up to my Dad and demanded he treat me with respect and as an adult. We've had the discussion a couple of times since. Just kinda a reminder that I am not like my sisters. I did not quit school, I have been gainfully employed since my graduation. Yes. I did make a few bad choices but I never ended up in an abusive relationship or addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have occasionally asked my parents for help with money. Never large amounts and only when I had no other choice. I figured after my folks giving my sisters money for years because they had kids, I was entitled to asking for a little bit of cash every 10 years or so.

OK. Enough bitching about my sisters. Most of you know how I feel about them and those who don't know, well, you get the idea.

So my Dad. He taught me many things. How to change the oil in my vehicles. How to gap spark plugs. How to replace shocks. How to treat people with respect. How to do things for others without expecting something back. He taught me family is important but there is no need to bow into pressure from them. He taught me how to stand on my own to feet and not let people walk all over me. He gave me my sense of humour and over the years, has shown me it is ok to cry.

Whether he wanted to or not, Dad taught me about being man. He took me under his wing and showed me things he didn't show my sisters. We bonded as men. I admit, I am also a huge Mama's boi but there is something special between my Dad and I. I think if I do decide to transition, it will be my Dad that will be the most supportive. He will have even more to teach me.

In the mean time, I know that as I grow older, the more I turn into my Dad. I look like him, I tlk like him, and recently, I discovered, I walk like him. I am my Dad's mini me. HA! I like that idea. After all, my Dad is my hero.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My thoughts today

Here I am in Bonnyville. With my bff Myrna, her g/f Elsa and Myrna's family. It appears I have been adopted. Again. I love it though. These people are warm and kind and caring and accepting. I feel as comfortable around this family as I do my own or my other bff, Tasha.

Melvin likes it here too. Ahhh Melvin. The dirty sock monkey he is. He has been boob diving. Again. AND he dressed up as a doctor to "examine" Myrna's sister Sherry. It's a good thing he never got caught. Then, after the hospital, he went home with her!! And crawled into bed with Sherry and her husband! The nerve of that cheeky monkey!!!

See that's the thing about Melvin. His only goal in life is to make people smile. He has no agenda. He doesn't care is everyone likes him or if he offends anyone. He is all about the monkey love. Why can't some people see that? In times of great sadness or pain, it is good to have a little smile and a giggle. It's not being disrespectful. It's being human. Or sock monkey as the case maybe.

I used to take life so seriously all the time. I was the classic tortured teenager, living in the basement. I had good cause mind you. I was struggling with my sexuality and not feeling "right" in my body. Then as I grew older and moved out of the basement, there were still struggles of being lonely, dating men because it was the "normal" thing to do. And not feeling comfortable with it at all. I can remember screaming in my head "Someone please look at me! Please help me!!" Then when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I met someone who helped open the door to who I was. It was like a huge boulder had been lifted off my back and the veils over my eyes had been removed. I got it all of a sudden. I really was gay!! The world made so much more sense to me! And what was this new feeling I had? Happiness? What? Really? This what it feels like? I never knew that feeling before. Who needs drugs when you can just be happy!!

It didn't stay that way though. The weight was still gone. But the sadness came back. I made some really bad choices for the few years. And new things have come up to challenge my new found happiness. I've already talked about them here. So I decided to take steps to get happy again. Thank you Tasha. For standing beside me. You are my rock and I love you very much. I know the journey will be rocky and there will be set backs. Hell, there already have been. But I am slowly learning to deal with everything again. And Melvin plays a huge part in that. He makes ME happy. He lets the mischievous child in me be free. But the best part of all? He helps me make other people smile and be happy. When they love Melvin, they love me too. Not that I depend on Melvin to make people love me. Far from it. All it does is double the love. Everyone needs more love in their life right?

I think learning to be Oliver is what I was meant to do and meant to be. It feels so right. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's not the train coming towards me.  I need to make some small steps first but it is just the beginning of my journey. All journeys start with one step right? I am scared of who I will be perceived by strangers. Afraid of the backlash. I do live in a small place after all. But with my friends and Melvin by my side, I should be ok.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Someone please help me!!

I have gotten caught up in watching Dancing with the Stars. A horrible thought! Oh the nightmares!! I admit the only reason I am watching is for the good looking chicks and Chaz Bono. He is not doing so well. He did not inherit his mother's talent for dance that's for sure. But just how brave is he? Letting go and honestly trying his best is so awesome to see.  I actually missed him dancing tonight and feel slightly bummed out about it.

I did manage to read a few articles about his beard. What is the big deal about his beard coming in? He has been on Testostarone for a couple of years and it is bound to happen. I couldn't imagine any Trans man not growing facial hair. It's a right of passage for any man. I would give just about anything for a moustache.

Does that surprise you? I hope not. I hope by now you should be expecting something like that from me. :) But seriously, I have admired moustaches for years. The different looks. The little mousy ones. The bold, strong ones. The Handlebar. Ahhh. The handlebar. One of my friends in high school, her dad has a handle bar that he waxes! I LOVED it! I don't know if I would be suited for a handle bar but I think a maybe a "Magnum" would look nice. Magnum you ask? Magnum P.I. Remember him? He had a great moustache.

Why don't you tell me what kind of moustache you think would look good on me.

This should be fun.........

Sunday, October 2, 2011

To or not to

So much research this weekend. Questions asked and answered. Decisions made and unmade. Yes and no. No and yes. I just couldn't seem to make up my mind. But I think it has come down to this.

Just how far do I want to go? How comfortable will I be with my choices?

How far? As far as I can for now. Comfortable? I think it will make me more comfortable in my skin. The thought of it makes so much sense to me right now.

What am I talking about you ask?

I am talking about "passing."

I am thinking about binding down the "girls" and maybe "packing". I spent my weekend researching binders and packers. (If you don't know what I am talking about, ask Google.") Turns out, I can make both  for relatively low cost and seems very easy to do. My final decision is to make one and buy the other. I'll let you figure out which is which. I wouldn't want to take away all the suspense for you.

I was amazed at the amount of information there was on the interwebs. Of course some of it was not helpful at all. That is to be expected. So much support as well. I truly no longer feel alone in my struggle to find myself.

It also got me thinking about the struggle I've had my entire life for my individuality. How it is so tied up in body image. Generally speaking, I feel fairly comfortable with myself. But things still don't feel right. Things just seem to get in the way. And every time I tried to be a girl, it felt so wrong. So wrong in so many ways. Yes. I have worn a dress. As a small child, my grandmother would make dresses for my sisters and I. As I got older, I voiced my preference and demanded pants. I wore a dress for my graduation. Mainly to please my mother. I wanted to wear a tux or a suit. Again, a dress when I stood up with my sister when she got married. Then I managed to go years without wearing one. I felt confident I would never wear one again. Then 2 of my best friends got married within 2 months of each other. I was a bridesmaid in one and the Maid of Honour in the other. Here comes the dress again. But for them, I did it willingly. I love those women so much and I would do anything for them as they would do for me. I, of course, have voiced my preferance again. Please. NO MORE DRESSES!! I think that is why I was so stoked when my very good friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding next summer. I get to wear a suit! I think it will be a much better fit for me. A chance to spread my fledgling wings into the world of "passing". It will be a blast!

Ok. Back to "passing". It maybe hard for me to do here. So many know me. I may have some backlash because of it. But I think that backlash will be from people who don't know me. Strangers can be so cruel. So uninformed. Ignorant so to speak. I have one friend who is a writer. I love reading his articles on line. He writes of his trials and tribulations as a Transman. It isn't always easy for him but it isn't always hard either. His writings and stories has helped me decide that this is something I need to do and now is the time to do it. Right now, I feel strong enough to deal with the poop people can throw at me. I have a strong base that my parents gave me and a strong base of friends and family for support.

I am looking forward to this new adventure.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Just decided to share my blog on Facebook. A little scary letting EVERYONE read my thoughts. But I think I am ready for the backlash, so to speak. I hope anyone who reads it will be open minded and honest when commenting. Please. Be easy on me. LOL

Today is a laundry day. Washing. Drying. Folding. Putting away. I still need to do dishes, make the bed, vacuum. I think I need a wife. Or at least someone who is willing to help with all these domestic chores. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?

OK. I'll wait.

In the meantime, it's been a hard week. Hard, but rewarding. Feeling empowered by the things I was doing. Just as good as any man. Maybe better in some cases. I still wish I had a penis sometimes. And no boobs. They get in the way most days. I like them, but they get in the way. Bras are uncomfortable. I understand that if I become a drag king, I will have to bind the girls down and that's OK. I can live with that. It will be for the greater good.

This blog really made no sense I guess. Oh well. It's thoughts I had rolling around in my head. They needed to be set free. Now I can concentrate on my house hold duties. Still waiting for someone to help me out. Anyone? Anyone?