Saturday, December 8, 2012

So spank me

All right. I know. Long wait in between posts. I guess I am just not that disciplined to write every week.

Lots of things going on. There was a trip to Prince George that didn't work out. The weather was just too bad. Oh well.

Work. Well. The douche and I had to have a meeting with the big boss. We both had our hands slapped for not respecting each other. I don't think it really helped. The douche has gotten worse. He HAS to be involved in anything I do. Even if the big boss has given me a specific job to do, douche has to be in there. Almost like he is trying to take credit for my work. Or like he is threatened by my work.

It is very frustrating.

But because I love my job, regardless of the douche, I will stick it out.

Also, my big boss is the BOMB!!

For those of you who are not on my Facebook friends list and may not know the great news, here it is.

A bit of background first.

 Over a year ago, I requested to go on testosterone to begin transitioning. I was referred to a psychiatrist in Edmonton. After my referral was sent, I contacted his office and was told it could be up to 6 months before they even looked at my paperwork and up to a year before I get an appointment. Needless to say, I was very discouraged. I started questioning myself and my decision to transition. Was it really something I wanted to do? Was it a WANT rather then a NEED? Do I really want to put my body through the trauma of shots and possibly surgery? At 44 years old, is it something I need to pursue? I admit, I had given up. I figured that I would build myself into a better butch and be happy with that.

Problem was, the want to be a man never left. I was having dreams of moustaches and sideburns. Dreams of a flat chest and fitting into my men's dress shirts properly. Dreams of a deeper voice and being called "he" and "sir" and have it be for real.

I never told anyone of these dreams. Because if I told anyone, maybe it wouldn't come true at all.  I had convinced myself that I didn't want it. And I convinced the people around me as well.

I am sorry about that. For not being more honest with you.

I went to my doctor last week. Not the same doctor I had before. That guy is gone for a year so I now see his replacement. Anyway, I talked to him about the night sweats I am having and the irregularity of my period. It was decided I am probably going through pre menopause. Loverly. He said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, we will look into hormone replacement. That is when I mentioned the testosterone. Why not put me on that instead of estrogen? So I will quit having my period. Woo! I am not having kids and my period is just a glaring reminder that I have parts I don't want.

Anyway, he called the psychiatrist in Edmonton to see the status of my referral. He was told that it could be 3 to 4 months before I will get a call for an appointment then maybe another 2 to 3 months before the actual appointment. I walked out feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. Like the dreams were really never going to come true.

I came home. Feeling depressed and frustrated. Then my phone rang.

It was the psychiatrist in Edmonton. Well. His receptionist. She said, "I just received a phone call about you today and then I came across your referral. I am booking for January and the people in front of you in the binder never answered. You are the only one. Does January 4 th at 11 AM work for you?"

I thought I was going to cry! I told her that of course I want that appointment! I would be crazy not to take the appointment!

Even now. 4 days later, I have butterflies in my stomach I am so excited! I realize he may just say no. But I think I will get my dream.  By this time next year, I could have a bit of a moustache.  Wouldn't that be cool?!?

The next step after seeing the shrink, is to talk to my parents. Something I have been avoiding for a long time. They are not on Facebook. And I have never mentioned my blog. I am not sure if any of my family who read my blog has mentioned it to them either. I don't think they have because my folks have never said anything to me about it. I am not expecting open arms. A little understanding would be good. Even if not understanding then respect is the next thing. Respect my decision. Respect my name. Respect my choices. Because it is not something I am jumping into without looking first. I have thought about this almost my entire life and I have done a lot of research and soul searching to reach this decision. As for my sisters, I know they will ridicule and judge me. As always. I do not anticipate a relationship growing between the three of us because of my choices. That has been proven in the past. I am no better. I too have judged them for their life choices . My life choices, to now anyway, seem to have a smaller impact on the family then theirs. Yes. I am saying I feel I am better then them. I am not proud of it. And it is something I am working on. Even though I have chosen not to have a functioning relationship with them, I do need to get over the "Holier then thou" attitude I have towards them.

I talked to my boss at work about it as well. Because I need a couple of days off to go to Edmonton. And because there could be some big changes coming. And I needed to know that my job is still going to be there. I know some of my co workers will not understand and will most likely ridicule me. But whatever. I can deal with that. If my boss is respectful about it, the others will soon fall into line. I know he won't let it go on.

I do have to send out a HUGE thank you to the family and friends that do read this blog and have been so supportive of me. You have made this journey so much easier. I know that if I stumble, you all will be there to help pick me up. I love you all.

The Bro code Article #59

A Bro will always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of Province or, like, crazy expensive.



  1. Good luck, Dustin! I'm happy for you!

    I'm sure your parents will support you. Because they are a different generation, this might be difficult for them, but from all you've written about them, they are wonderful people who love you very much!!! I am sure they will be able to accept this and continue to love you for who you are, as they always have.

    1. Thanks Kari. That is what I am hoping for.

      I am so nervous and excited I can hardly stand it!

  2. I don't say much or post to you alot, but I got your back baby ;) It looks / sounds like you are putting alot of thought, effort and energy into the decision(s) you are making. I hope that they make you happy!

    We neeeeeeeedddddddddddd to have lunch / dinner some day so you can meet my hubby and the two of us can get caught up! It's been too long!

    It's been what... a decade or so since I "slept with the boss" that night? ;)

    1. You pick th day and time and I will be there! I would love to meet the hubby.

      And I hate to burst your bubble Beri but it has been closer to 20 years since then. :(

  3. I know I've already said it, but whatever makes you happy, makes me happy.

    1. Thanks Chris. You are an officer and a gentleman.

  4. Sounds fantastic, Dustin! We love you, are so proud of you, and have your back all the way. Keep us posted!

    1. Thanks Kas! I will keep you posted. Love you guys too.

  5. WOOT WOOT!!!!
    you go Dustin!!! some things just happen at the right time when you need the boost the most!!!
    family doesn't mean being friends, friends can be family more than blood lines IMHO. Seen it farrr too many times not to believe.
    thanks for keeping me in stitches, and up to date on your life. It takes courage to let the world know the deepest part of us.
    hugs to you and can ya hug all the others I know up there too? miss ya guys!
    if you are EVER in kamloops, kelowna or the shuswap contact me would love to catch up over coffee!!!!

    1. I hear ya buddy.

      Glad I can keep you laughing. I have always beleived laughter is the best medicine of all.

      This blog started off as a way for me to organize my thoughts and and get all this stuff out. It is still for that but also to educate and to start conversations. To question and to share thoughts and ideas.

      After all, knowledge is power.

      And yes. I will share the hugs.