Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sunday in the Great White North


I think spring fever hit. well. That and an early morning call out for work. I have been cleaning most of the day. Little place doesn't look half bad either. Even have the window open for some fresh air and to let cats outside to enjoy the nice weather. Of course, they are inside. Sleeping. But the thought is there I suppose.

Those of you on Facebook may be wondering about the status I put up this morning. I am sure most of you know who I am referring to when I say "the other one.". All I am going to say is that there is an on going fight between the other one and I. And I have decided that fighting against an idiot is fruitless so I am leaving the fight. Even though I really want to punch her in her ovaries. But, you can only bang you're head against a brick wall before you realize the wall doesn't give a shit. I am now the brick wall. She has her thoughts and opinions and I have mine. They are no where near each other and I am OK with that. Now she has to learn to be OK with my thoughts and opinions. And since I am not talking to the older one either at the moment, I guess I am now an only child.

The whole purpose behind not talking to them and not allowing myself to get sucked into their shit is to better myself. I am in therapy for a reason. One of those reasons in the unflagging anger I have towards them and the the petty games they play. I do believe the two of them are ganged up against me right now. Just like when we were kids. Problem is, we are adults now. Time to let that crap go and grow up. That is what I am trying to do. I am number 1 and I am looking after number 1.  I can only hope and trust that people will take my status seriously and not pass on any information to them. This way, if they want to know something, they have to come to me with it. From now on, we are playing by my rules.

Onto other things.

First, I want to say thank you to Birdman for telling me to write today. Have you seen his blog?

It is utterly amazing. Funny, intelligent, thought provoking, heart warming,  irreverent, disgusting all at the same time. Really. You NEED to check it out.

I have just turned my TV on for the first time all day. Been rocking to I tunes while I was cleaning.

I am still waiting to hear from the gender clinic. I think i will wait till the first week in April before I call them. To see if they have seen my referral yet. I just really want to get this started. I am so ready. Been ready for a long time.  I can hardly wait. I wake up thinking about it everyday. and the more I think about it, the more I think I want to have breast reduction.  They get in my way and mess with the image I have of myself in my head. It doesn't match.

I find myself getting annoyed when people refer to me as "Ma am" or "Miss" or something along those lines. I want to be called Sir. Is that too much to ask?

I still to chat with Miss "R" about this. I don't have the guts though. I admit that. I know I should tell her before things get too much more involved.  Right? Let me know what you think.

Remember, you call follow me on Twitter as well.  Dustin Carnell@DustinTCarnell   Check me out.

OK. After the early morning call out and cleaning all day, I am spent. I am going for a nap.

Thanks for the mammaries. But you can have them back now.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Saturday morning musings

So here I sit. Enjoying my wonderful coffee. Thinking about the dreams I was having last night. The different thoughts rolling through my head lately.  It's been busy in my head lately.

I dreamt about my grandmother last night. All I really remember is that she had just passed and the family was gathering at a cabin to get ready for the funeral.  I was a man in the dream. And some members of my family were ignoring me. Not just not talking to me but acting like I didn't exist at all.  There were other members of my family that just treated me like they always did. Accepting of me and who I am.

Then my phone buzzed at me because of a message.  I, of course, because it is Saturday morning, I went back to sleep.

I started dreaming again. I was back at the cabin (I should point out, I have no idea who's cabin it was because I have never been in a cabin that looked like the one in my dream.) It was grandma's funeral again. My sisters were there. Ignoring me. - which is fine. But they seemed to have forgotten it was my cabin. They were treating it like it was theirs. Inviting people I didn't know into my home and then cooking my food and feeding these people. I remember being very angry.

I think at this point, Duff walked across my head to wake me up so I could feed him.

I went back to sleep. Why? We have been over this. It's Saturday morning.

I was back at the cabin again. Kissing a beautiful woman in the kitchen. I love those kind of dreams. After I was done kissing the unknown beautiful woman, I went into what I can only assume was my bedroom to clean out a closet. I found a lot of girly clothes. And a high school jacket that I seem to have modified to show my love of Melissa Etheridge and not my high school. There was also blankets and stuffed toys.

Then Duff took another trip across my head so I decided to get up. Probably a good thing.

I know that what you actually dream really has nothing to do with what they really mean. But this one, I think it might say a lot about what is going on in my mind right now. 

I also had a tooth pulled this week.  It hardly hurt at all. Really. It was good. The dentist even fixed my chipped, discoloured tooth. My smile looks great now! I have to go back in a week and get my wisdom tooth pulled. Finally! No more toothaches!

I have been chatting a lot with Miss "R" as well. She makes me smile alot. I really like her. But then, we have never met. Since she lives in Victoria, it makes meeting hard. I really like her though. We haven't actually had a phone call yet. We chat on yahoo or text. She mentioned a Skye call one day soon. I would really like that. I haven't told her about transitioning yet. I'm trying to feel her out a bit first. I'm scared that she will reject me if she knows. I know I should give her more credit.  I hate being this uncertain about things. Fucks with my confidence a lot.

My job is going really well. I look forward to going to work everyday. Not many people can say that.

I am also on Twitter now. I fell for the hype after a few friends of mine started tweeting. Twitting? whatever. If you are interested, you can follow me there as well.
   Dustin Carnell@DustinTCarnell
Can't say it will always be very exciting but who knows. Maybe one day I will get lucky and something interesting will happen to me.

OK. I need to get off the computer and get something done today. Cleaning, grocery shopping, scooping the litter box. I can hardly wait for warmer weather so the cats can go poop outside.

Nothing compares, nothing compares to you.