Tattoo

Tattoo

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Long time coming

I have written this blog in my head about 10 times. But I could never seem to actually get my ass over to the computer to start writing. I finally decided today was the day.

So here it goes.

Christmas. Here and gone. Thank goodness. This year was a good one though. Spent the night at Tasha's. We opened presents, had breakfast, watched a movie, had a nap. All in all, a great day. Boxing day was spent at her Mom's house with the family. I enjoyed that as well. Though I was given a hard time about the size of my left over containers. I just wanted to make sure I had enough because the food was so awesome.

New Years was spent with my lovely woman in Prince George. We had a quiet evening watching movies and "entertaining" each other. I seem to have passed the complete pet test as well. Abby, the reluctant snuggler, was happy to see me and came around in about an hour of me being there. And Milo, the shy bedroom dweller, decided he liked me enough to wake me up in the middle of the night with kisses. He was the last hold out.  G and I also took the dogs for a walk with her friend A and her doggie pal Maggie. It was a lot of fun! Though Abby and Roxie almost yanked my shoulders out the sockets. A also joined us for a dinner and movie night. G and I also spent an evening with J and Z playing cards. Who knew G was such a card shark though! That night, we brought Angus the pit bull with us. He was such a good boy! Just hung out with us, played tug with J and chilled out. I ended up having quite the "bromance" with Angus. Such a good boy.

I have almost completed my one year of real life experience for my transition. February 21 is the day.

I can remember feeling so frantic about starting. I was so disappointed that it was going to take so long to get started. The wait to see Dr. Warneke seems like such a long time. I thought I was going to go crazy from all the waiting. And now my year is almost up. It seems to have flown by. Amazing.

Next step is to get my referrals into the mental health professionals. That appointment can be done over video conferencing which is cool. That means I shouldn't have to travel to Vancouver for an appointment. I also need a referral to the plastic surgeon and to a gynaecologist. The plastic surgeon is of course for my top surgery. To get the girls gone. It will most likely be a long wait for that. The gyno is for a hysterectomy. See, I can not legally change the gender on my Saskatchewan birth certificate until my uterus is removed. I need a signed letter from all my doctors saying that my "Sexual Reassignment Surgery" has been completed. I know it will still be a long road but it is so worth it. Surgeries don't bother. I am not scared at all. I just want them over with. So it is one less thing I need to think about.

I have had a couple of intense conversations about my transition lately. See, for me, every time I leave my house, I feel like I am on display. I know my appearance is pretty much male by now. I have some great facial hair coming in. Lots of long peach fuzz under my chin I like to call my "billy goat gruff" whiskers. My voice has dropped nicely, though it does crack once in a while. I am binding effectively. Not quite flat chested but layers and the proper shirt helps cover that. I guess my issue in being out in public is a lack of self confidence my appearance. Maybe when I grow more facial hair I can pass easier. Maybe when I lose some weight I can pass better. Maybe when my voice deepens some more I can pass better.  All these things go through my mind from the moment I leave in the morning till I get home at the end of my day. It is so very draining. It causes my social anxiety to go through the roof sometimes. Those are the days I can't face the world at all. I may call in sick or just stay inside all weekend. In order to protect myself, I have built a huge wall around my emotions. To protect myself from the negativity I face. The unfortunate thing about that, is it can keep the people I care about at an arm's length. I am trying to learn how to open myself up more. Teach myself I am strong enough to handle the pain and hurt people can inflict. What a stranger thinks about me or says to me really doesn't matter. At least, that is what my head says. My heart is different. Trying to get the two of them to synch up is hard. But I am trying.

So that is where I am at now.

Thanks for reading.

Bro Code Article  # 114

If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. if he stays longer then a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer then two months, he shall steam clean the couch of have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

Dustin

6 comments:

  1. You seemed pretty manly to me. I still think I could beat you in an arm wrestle though.

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  2. I don't know Man. I think it might be a draw.

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  3. You are awesome. That is all. Love - Rimbey

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  4. Dustin Tanner CarnellJanuary 12, 2014 at 10:29 PM

    You are amazing yourself my friend. I love you

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  5. Well cousin no matter what you wanna be , I will always be your cousin and I love you . Can't wait till we can get together and go fishing or something . . . Nicely put. Well written.

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    Replies
    1. Dustin Tanner CarnellJanuary 13, 2014 at 5:50 PM

      Thanks cousin.

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