Sunday, July 22, 2012

Life or something like it.

Before you start in on me, yes I know it has been 2 weeks since I have posted anything. You have to understand that it takes time to process things in my little pea brain. And translating those thoughts to words is sometimes very hard.

So, now that I have that off my chest, let's start the blog shall we?

Duff still isn't home. It's been about a month now. I think I have to admit he has been kidnapped by aliens who were passing through our universe. They stole him because of his steel grey fur and fabulous puffy tail. And because he looks so cute yoga sleeping.

  And of course, there is the whole sock pile thing.  Really? How could you not love a cat who loves the sock pile?

The other two cats have been keeping me well amused. Bean is my lean dancer. She stretches out incredibly long. And with her colouring, it looks like she is wearing pantaloons. She is also my little groomer. There is a spot on the top of my head that tends to get a lot of attention.

Ain't she cute??

And who could forget Fidget? She is all black and almost as wide as she is tall. She is a mighty hunter. Worms. Leaves. Dead bugs. Yes. With Fidget around, I don't have to worry about starving.  She is also vocal. I can have a conversation with her.  When she talks though, it sounds like you are pulling her tail hairs out one by one.  She also doesn't like jumping up on anything. She prefers to claw her way up. The couch. The cat pole. The bed. My leg. I have put the cat food up so she has to climb to get it.

See? As wide as she is tall.

OK. Enough about my cats. It is not helping my case that I am not the crazy cat person. I just love my furkids is all.

Oh. I do have to mention that one of them, (Bean I believe) brought home a mouse the other day. A live one. And let it go in the apartment. Then promptly fell asleep. I ended up having to buy mouse traps to catch it. Which I did. 2 cats in the house and I have to buy traps. *shakes head.* Stoopid cats.

I have been a bit (a lot) of a home body lately. Seems like when I am done work, I just want to come home and stay home. Even on the weekends. Last weekend, I didn't even go outside. I wonder why that is. I have always been a bit of a home body but this seems extreme. Maybe I will talk to my new shrink about it.

Yes. New shrink. I broke up with Dr.J last month. I have an appointment with a new one in Dawson Creek on August 8th. Hopefully, we will get along and start making some progress. Dr.J , of course, called me to "talk" about why I want to see someone else. I didn't want to tell her that I think she was making things worse or that she totally offended me. I told her that it just didn't feel a connection with her. That I didn't feel like it was working. And I am taking a pro active approach to my treatment. She sounded offended. Oh well.

I know I still need help. Not just with my transgender issues. But with a lot of things. One thing Dr.J did mention was co dependence. So I am reading a couple of books she recommended. Not sure if they are helping but I figure it couldn't hurt right?

I still haven't heard from the shrink in Edmonton. The gender specialist. On one hand, it pisses me off. But on the other hand, it is a good thing. It is really making me re think everything. There a lot of side effects with being on testosterone. More then I thought. I know about the hair growth etc. But there are some that scare the hell out of me. Aggression. Cancer.  And surgery. Whew. That's a big one. The cost alone is huge. Let alone how invasive it is.  Do I really need to put myself through that at my age? I know there are older people who have gone through it and going through it. I guess what I am trying to say is my gender was not something I really thought about. I ignored it as much as possible. I think what made me realize that maybe I didn't need surgery or injections to be who I want to be is my trip to Birdman's wedding. There, I was Dustin. Just Dustin. No questions.

I think I need to take a big step and talk to my parents. And talk to my boss. And let him know what is going on with me seeing a shrink. And to try and get them to call me Dustin. Or even Dusty. If the "maleness" of my name is too much. My folks is the hardest one. Mom already mentioned she didn't like the new one. I tried to tell her that I liked it and it suited me much more then my birth name. I don't think she understands. In fact, I know she can't. It might be too much for her.

(Time out. The Blue Jays are playing. It is bases loaded with none out and we are at bat. I'll be back.)

OK. I''m back. It is 14-7 for the Jays against the Red Sox. we scored 3 runs. Woo!!

Back onto topic. I may just have to accept that Mom and Dad will never see me for who I want to be. I will always be "Yvette" to them. The hard part for me is going to allow them to do that. And try not to cram it down their throats.

On a happy note, I seen an old high school friend in the grocery store the other day. She introduced me as Dustin to another person. My heart soared when she did that! Lew, I love you my pal! It was the first time in Fort St John I have been introduced as Dustin. It felt awesome! I felt accepted.

Even with all these things going on in my head, I feel like I am in a good space. Well. A better space anyway. I have my apartment set up in a great way. I actually have extra seating now. So I am planning a little Greycup party. Yes. I know it is not till the end of November. But having an apartment full of people is something I have to build myself up to. It's not like the old days when I was a medic and would invite a bunch of my medic pals over for a night of drinking and debauchery.

Actually. It was only two nights of debauchery. But what great debauchery it was! Remember Tracey?

That will be another blog post.

I promise.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.



  1. Good to see you back!

    I have to let my blog topics simmer for a while before they are ready, too.

    Everybody else seems to triple lap me on number, but I figure mine are worth the wait. I hope...

    I am catching up with your old posts and I love every one of them! Thanks...

    1. You are very welcome Katy. Thanks for reading.

  2. Um...I don't think it's that Fidget doesn't *like* to jump. lol

    Glad to hear you're getting a new shrink. I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with wanting to stay in, especially if you're introverted. If you are, it's needed at times.

    As to your parents, I hope they would be able to accept you and honor your choices in life but as we all know, that's not always the way it works out. A friend of mine wrote about his 'coming out' (not gay or anything like that but extremely differing lifestyle from how he was brought up) to his mother after his dad's passing and how it went very well. They sort of have an agreement that she doesn't ask about things (details) she's not comfortable hearing. It works for them. He did say he regrets not giving his dad the same opportunity.

    I think one would have to first be confident in who they are and have enough inner strength in order to cope with a possible rejection from their own parents. I'm waiting to talk to mine. They still haven't accepted that I have differing views on religion so it makes me hesitant to reveal other things.

    1. My coming out to my parents was relatively pain free. My mom and I are finally at a comfortable place with my "gayness" so to throw this in makes me hesitant. On the other hand, I am hoping that my Dad will see it as I am finally going to be the son he never had.

      Oh. And Fidget does jump. I think she is just too lazy to do it. Which is why I put the food up. Now she has to work for it. :)