Thursday, July 11, 2013

Revelations of trans-man.

Yes. Revelations.

I was reminded recently how precious life can be.

My "scuzzin" was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has opted for surgery and chemo. I truly believe she will beat it because she is a true fighter.  That woman went through a tragic accident where she lost her beautiful girls and still manages to find some joy in everyday. She is truly one of my heroes. I love ya Scuz!

My revelation wasn't about life. And how you should enjoy each day. My revelation was that regardless of the path I am on right now and where I plan on ending up, I still have breasts. I still need to look after them. I really want them gone but not because of cancer. If there was some way I could donate them to my scuz, I would.

I tend to ignore my body between my neck and waist. I have these lumps that are a glaring reminder of something I don't want to have and someone I don't want to be. But because they are still there, and because I was scared to death, I went to the doctor and had a breast exam.

I have a hard enough time being outside my comfort zone without my binder on and here I was letting my doctor feel me up. I just kept thinking about Scuz. I needed to do this for her. I needed to do this for me. I needed to know these unwanted lumps of fat and skin weren't going to kill me.

They aren't. The breast exam was fine. I still have to go for a mammogram. (Yes Tasha. I know. You have told me for years to go.) But unless it shows something, I am lump free. He gave me advice on what to look for in the way of suspicious skin or sores. Advice on how to do a self exam. And until I have surgery, I have to look after these things.

Now, I know some women might be upset about me talking about my breasts this way. But you must realize that they are the biggest reminder of someone I don't want to be. Don't get me wrong. I love breasts. On another woman. Not on me. They don't fit the image I have of myself in my head. And I am really looking forward to getting rid of them.

Another revelations I had was my voice. It has gotten deeper. I can feel it in my vocal chords. It's like losing your voice and trying to talk anyway. I can feel then straining. And I have had people mention I sound different. I sound different to myself too. I kinda like it. I think I sound sexier. I have been getting called "Sir" on the phone too. Gives me a thrill when I hear it.

I need to speak with the folks at work. And ask them to refer to me as "he". I haven't really pushed it before now. But being called "she" makes me cringe now. I will talk to everyone on a one to one basis. I think it make it a little easier.

I was recently in Edmonton for yet another doctor's appointment. I was seeing an endocrinologist. I was asked all sorts of medical questions and had some basic tests done. I was able to sit and talk to the nurses and the doctor. He reviewed my blood work and was impressed with how my numbers were for my cholesterol and my sugars. I am surprisingly healthy. We talked about testosterone and it's affects. I felt very reassured with my conversation with him. He increased my dose from 50 mg every two weeks to 100 mg every week. I have to tell you, it feels great! I am starting to feel normal in my skin. Finally! The changes are going to start happening quicker now. That makes me happy.

As for surgery, after doing a lot of research and e mailing a lot of doctors, it appears the easiest way to have top surgery is to through MSP. It may take a little longer, but then everything is covered. I only have to do 1 year of real life experience.. I am already officially 5 to 6 months into my one year. So that means in a few months, I can talk to my doctor about starting the process for surgery. There will be more psychiatrist appointments. There will be letters written. It will be a long process. But I am willing to go through it. I have to go through it. I can only hope that it moves quickly.

I think that is about it for now. I am sure there will be more later. I should really start writing down stuff I want to write about.

The Bro Code Article # 69 : Duh


No comments:

Post a Comment