Tattoo

Tattoo

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life in the Trans lane

First off let me say, WOO!! I have 12 followers! Woo! I know more then that actually read my blog. And share it. And I love that! I feel like I have to share my story. If only one post helps someone else going through what I am am going through, then baring my soul is well worth it. The worst feeling in the world is feeling alone. Especially when going through something like this. So please, feel free to talk about the blog, share the blog and spread the word.

OK. Onto the merriment.

So I decided to drive to my Mom and dad's house on Easter weekend. To surprise my Mom for her birthday. It was a long drive but so worth the look on her face. I love her so much. And my Dad. He was pretty happy to see me too.  Since I didn't tell anyone I was coming, I surprised EVERYBODY!! LOL It was so great to see my aunts and a couple of cousins. I also got to see my niece and her husband. And spend time with their kids. I love those kids!! And I got to see my nephew and his girlfriend. I even seen the "other"one. And I was nice. It was tough but I was. Mainly for Mom. She wants so much for the three of us kids to talk to each other. But I just can't relate to them. Like I am sure they can't relate to me.  They are not the kind of people I would be friends with. And I am tired of trying to adjust MY life to fit into THEIR little box.

Mom sent me home with some paperwork and a bag full of stuff toys to give to the "older" one. For her kids and the grand kids. I texted her and she stopped by work to pick it up. Couldn't be bothered to say two words to me. So whatever. Didn't even ask me about the paperwork from the folks. Which I asked if Mom and Dad talked to her about it. Kind of important stuff. But, she didn't want to know or talk about to me about it. I hope she does talk to parents about it. It is things she needs to know. Even if it will probably piss her off. But again, not my problem. My parents did what they think was best.

Sometimes I wonder how such different people can be born and raised in the same family. What made me different?  What made me decide to live my life with an open mind? Why am I the way I am? And please don't say it was "God". I don't believe in God. Seems improbable to me. For a full rant on God and religion, please read changethetopic.com . Birdman has the same views I do. Sometimes I look at the two of them and shake my head. How did they even make to adults? No. I don't have kids or grand kids. It is a choice I made early in life. And I never actually ever felt grown up to have children of my own.  I never had a problem drugs or booze. I have pretty much supported myself since I was 18. But I have done nothing in my life I am ashamed of. Nothing. I don't think the two of them can say that.

The wedding of Birdman and the Mrs. is coming up quick. I can hardly wait! I want so much to go and have an adventure. Be someplace I have never been. See things I have never seen. Meet people I have never met before. I really have no plans while I am there. Besides the wedding. There is also talk of a fishing trip on Lake Ontario. I'm not even sure where I am staying when I get there. In the past, something like this would have panicked me. But now it doesn't. Amazes me how much I have grown and changed. I feel much more confident now. I missed this feeling.

So Miss "R". Things didn't work out. As you know, we had an awesome first "date". And things looked like it was going well.  But then, she had a talk with herself and realized that she couldn't continue with me. Not because she wasn't attracted to me. Or didn't like me. But because I am transitioning. She realized that she didn't want to be with a man. Even an incomplete one like me. Someone asked me if I was mad about her choice. I said no. Which is true. She is being honest. With me and with herself. Herself being the important one. I know what it is like to live a lie and live your life for someone else. It never works out. I am disappointed more then anything. I really liked her. I still do. And I can only wish her the best. I hope she finds who she is looking for.

Things stopping the way they did has made me re think a few things though. I am still waiting to hear from the gender clinic. It makes me wonder if this really is the right path for me. Do I continue trying to transition? Or do I keep "passing"? Binding the "girls" down and changing my name to Dustin and leaving it as that?  I mean, if it is going to take this long just to see someone who can say, "Yes. You are fucked up and should be a man. Go see this doctor and he will give you good testosterone."  What is going to make me happy? I don't know. I am feeling very frustrated and trapped. Like a rat in a maze. Except the rat gets out it eventually. I can't seem to find the exit. There are a few things I need to do for myself I think. I want to start going to the gym and working out. I know that if I build my upper body, it will give me a more masculine appearance. Losing weight will make the "girls" smaller and easier to bind down. It will also make it more comfortable to bind them down.

I feel like I am at a cross roads again. And I hate that. I hate it. With all that I am I hate this feeling. I love my name though. It fits. I feel like it should have been my name from the beginning. I just don't get why I am going through an identity crisis at my age. (Again. I am NOT telling you.) I guess all I can do is what I have been doing my whole life. And that is going to sleep and waking up the next day. And look for the good in everyday. And just try and be the best me I can be. Whoever me is.

Mi vida loca, over and over. Welcome to my crazy life.

Dustin

8 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about your name. I feel the same way about mine. It should have mine from the first breath I took, and I believe your name is the same for you. You are further along in the chain of change than I am...I feel like I am half and half. Parts of me want to be so butch I could pass, then I see Anjelica Huston or other similar type women and think, "No, that's the kind of woman I want to 'grow up to be'. So at least you are not stuck in half and half land. lol Hang int here, and please remember I am just a text, message, or phone call away. I'm here for you, buddy. :)

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    1. You can only be you. Whoever that is. Just try and be comfortable in your skin. It's hard. But worth it. Thanks Buddy!

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  2. (In spite of the Anonymous tag, it's Natalie LOL) Well, my friend.. I'm hetero as you know, but I have also struggled with a sense of identity, thanks to early abuse and conditioning. Clearly not one as life-altering as the one you are struggling with, however, that doesn't mean I can't support you in your journey. Just want you to know that I am also "here" for you, if you need it. "Family" is an accident of birth, as I know full well, and the people we need most in our lives most often do not come from within the circle we were born into... and that's ok. In fact, it's often better than just "ok", as we can choose those people rather than having to accept what we are "given" in our siblings and parents (although it does sound like you get along really well with your Mom and Dad). Sending you love and clarity, my friend. <3

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  3. Thank you Nat. I have often thought of you as I struggle through this mess I choose to call Life. For some reason, I can hear your voice telling me to stop and take a breath. Why are you in my head like that? LOL

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  4. I love your blog, and I love reading about your triumphs and tribulations. Very proud to be joining you on this journey. :)
    As far as where you are staying when you get here, we have the use of a fully furnished 3 bedroom apartment above my studio downtown (it's the landlords apartment when she visits the area). You and my photographer friend Ruby will each get to camp out in a room. Now you know! :)

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    1. Sweet!!! Is Ruby cute? Is she single? Is she easy? Is she gay? Possibly gay? Willing to experiment? LOL!!

      Thanks Gerri! You are fantatasic woman and I am happy you are joining me on this journey as well.

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  5. Gah! I have 'family' that I'm not close with at all... that I don't even like if I'm honest. I much prefer my little bubble and chose to live in it peacefully without their drama. That's too bad about the 'Miss R' thing but good for you (and her) for being honest and upfront.

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  6. I can't wait to see you. I'm glad that you told Miss R, because it would have been a lot harder if it had of gone on longer. I can't wait to see you in less than two months. Yeeeehaw

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